Together
by Wildly Obsessed
Summary: Leyton one shot anthology. They were never given a chance. It was never the right time, there was usually someone else, & there were always a dozen other excuses for why not. The different possibilities of Leyton thru the eyes of everyone involved.
1. Never Going Back

**T o g e t h e r ?**

**A/N:**A collection of Peyton/Lucas centred stories.

**Disclaimer:** One Tree Hill not mine.

* * *

**Never Going Back**

There's something to be said for doomed romance. It's terrifying, gut-wrenching, soul-killing pain, and yet I don't know life without it. It's passion, it's intensity, it's raw emotion at it's most honest.

But whatever the pain it causes or however much joy it brings, there is no future for it. There can never be a future for it. Every single emotion that I feel about him is wrong. I've been crucified for feeling the way I do, and after he chose the easier path I had nothing to do but follow. Things died down and I was 'forgiven' for something I will never be able to truthfully say I didn't want to happen.

Suppression is a practiced art by me. I'm a master of denial; skilled in pretending. This mask that I've worn for so long was broken by only him and only he had the power to make me put it back on once it was down.

What is the truth behind the lies I told myself for all these months? What is the reality behind the smiles I faked to my so-called friends? It isn't hard to figure out. I've always known what the truth was. I'd give up the respect of every person in my life if only I could have him. And I did give them all up once.

He turned from me and professed his undying love for her. But I was first. If there can be no comfort to me, I can cling to the unbeatable fact that I was first. He wanted me before he even noticed her.

He changed his mind. I didn't.

And then I made the same mistake twice. But I don't think it can count as 'twice', considering I've never stopped caring about him in between the time frame of the 'first' and 'second' mistake. There was just a long pause in between in which I did my best to ignore my heart. Why did I ignore my heart?

That reason is also incredibly simple. I ignored what I wanted because I didn't want to hurt my friends. I didn't want to hurt her. All this pain was for her. She's my best friend, after all. We always said no guy would ever get between us. So I did it for her.

Every day I pretended, my resentment towards her grew. We swore to put our friendship over guys but there she was, stealing the only guy I ever really wanted. She could have any guy, she didn't even care much about him back then. But she chose my guy. She expects me to back away like a good friend, but she willfully pretends not to remember that I already backed away time and time again for her sake. I've given her everything I can spare to lose, and a lot of things I can't. Did she do the same for me? Could she extend to me the same courtesy, in the name of friendship? No. Simple as that. I chose her over him because I loved her. She chose him over me because she didn't. I didn't choose her because I loved her more than him… I did it because I felt I owed it to her to swallow my feelings. There was a time where I thought that I could always count on her, that everything must be sacrificed to preserve our bond. But what kind of bond did we really share?

I still want him. I will always want him. There have been other guys who have entered my life, but not one of them has meant more to me than him. I've tried to make myself stop, I've tried to love others, but it's always been him.

I'm sitting in my room now, my knees pulled against my chest. I've been crying again, and my face undoubtedly looks blotchy and red.

This time around, I put her first as I usually do. But this time I realized something that had never occurred to me before… she didn't have me first. She didn't even have him first. Her number one priority was herself.

Everything I wanted was hers and now that she didn't want me any more, I wondered how much of a loss this would be. I spent the better part of our friendship doing all that I could to hold us together and now that I didn't have to do that any more, I felt released. She wasn't who I idealized her to be and she wasn't there for me as best friends are.

Maybe now I can put myself first. It's a feeling I'm not used to.

The only thoughts left to conflict over now are the ones of uncertainty about him. I lost so much for her- I even gave up him. But now that I've realized it's him I need, now that I've chosen him over her for the first time, will he do the same? There is no way of even knowing if he still cares. He did, very much, once upon a time. It kills me to know that I pushed him away for her. It kills me that he may have lost his feelings for me.

No one has chosen me yet. When the time will come, very shortly, for him to choose her, or me, whom will he choose?

So many tears I've spent on him, but I'd give him so many more. There can be no other. If he doesn't choose me, there won't be anything left of me.

I can't stay here in this room. I untangle myself from my bed sheets and stand up. Waiting has done nothing for me, and I want more than anything to tell him how I feel. The fear of rejection is strong in me. If I lose him, I will have no one.

A knock on his door. Softly, because a scared part of me hopes that he isn't home so that I can push off this confrontation another day. No such luck. The door opened up and I almost melt in the welcoming blue eyes of his that greet me. His lips turn up in a smile. I vaguely think of the quote that actions are louder than words, and briefly toy with the idea of forgoing a verbal explanation- throwing my arms around him instead.

Deep down, I'm a sad young girl who desperately wants love. My need for validation eroded so much of my life up to this point, and the prospect of losing his friendship eats down on me.

My mouth opens. He looks at me quizzically. If I say the words I came here to say, there will be no going back. The look of amiability he is giving me now may be a look I never see again for the rest of my life. My chest constricts painfully as I realize that I'm not ready to have him out of my life completely.

I can't meet his eyes and I suddenly feel the urge to cry. In a mad attempt to stop the show of emotion, I bow my head and my shoulders scrunch up. His hand goes to my shoulder as he rubs it in confused comfort. The other hand cups my face and tilts my gaze back to him.

Why am I here? He wants to know. I try to say something, but my mouth seems to have dried up. All that comes out is a strangled dry rasp. My hand flies to my throat in embarrassment and then his hand takes my hand and leads me to his room.

Is everything okay? So full of concern, his forehead is furrowed with worry lines. I reach out and caress his face before I can stop myself and hastily yank it away.

I've already lost her and she was the only reason I kept away from him for so long. But I think his heart isn't with me.

Anything's better than this lonely uncertainty, I tell myself. But I know that's not true. With uncertainty comes hope for the answer I want. If he tells me how he feels and it's not what I want, I can delude myself no longer.

And then he brushes the hair out of my face and I can see that my silence is completely scaring him. I reach for his hand to squeeze, to reassure myself that this can be okay.

Please, tell me what's wrong! He begs me. She hates me now, I tell him. It comes out in a sob and he wraps his arms so securely around me. He tells me that she will come around, he thinks that I'm upset because she's lost to me. I want to make him understand. My eyes land on a framed picture of him with her, he looks so happy. Tears prick my eyes and I croak out that he doesn't understand. I clutch at his arms and cry into his shirt, and he lets me.

Why can't he love me? I want him to love me. I remember the words she told me once, that the pictures he kept of me were just served as a reminder to never screw up again. I was just a mistake to him.

The tears increase and then I can hear his heart beat through his shirt. Its pace is quickening, he's sincerely worried about me. His voice is quietly soothing and my back is being gently rubbed.

If I don't tell him, all will be lost. If he doesn't feel the same way, all will be lost. But I know that if I don't tell him now, I never will get the chance. She'll tell him first and poison him against me. She'll make sure I don't get another chance.

His face is so angelic. I twist around in his arms so that I can meet him in the eye. I have to say something now.

"Lucas?" my voice cracks noticeably and I can't make it stop. He nods for me to continue, but the words 'I love you' die on my lips. I told him that just a few days ago and he didn't feel the same… was that his mask saying that, or was he honest? Instead of my bold statement, I ask, "Do you love Brooke?"

"Yes." He answers without hesitation, slightly puzzled as to why I would ask.

I silently wish that my name was Brooke, silently pretend that I'm the one he's thinking of. That is my answer, isn't it? But then my mind goes to Jake, sweet Jake who loved me so much. I loved him too, but I love Lucas more. It's possible to love two people at the same time, I tell myself.

"And me? Do you love me?" it comes out as a whisper, my courage only goes so far. My eyes are boring into his, begging for an answer.

He frowns and answers with the same certainty, "Of course."

Not like that. Not as friends, I want to clarify. I examine his face and know that I can't harness the strength to ask him a question that could have him retract his statement.

And then I find my arms around him in an almost choking hug, my head is buried in the crook of his neck. I hold on for a long time and he lets me. When I finally pull away, my hands feel through his soft hair one last time. I kiss his hand and then his cheek, very close to his lips. My brain tries to memorize his scent, tries to memorize the feel of his arms around me.

Because when I walk out that door as I will in a few minutes time, I won't be back.


	2. Playing Pretend

**A/N:** Thanks for reviewing. Just a reminder that this is a Leyton anthology, it's a collective. Each chapter is a one-shot of Leyton completely unrelated to the one before it. And don't worry, they're not all this gloomy ; )

**Playing Pretend**

They were the causalities of the war. Sometimes hated, occasionally oblivious, and often pitied, they were the people who loved those who didn't love them back. If their fate were only unrequited love, things would be simple. It's the fact that those whom they love so much only pretend to feel the same way that really cuts deep. The quest to do the right thing, the motivation to hurt as few people as possible, has led all of them through a path of unhappiness. Many of them were happy for a time, or at least believed that they were, but it was never an honest happiness. Trying to make yourself feel something you don't and ignoring the feelings you do have only brings discontent. It could be slow in happening, but resentment will build up, and one day the truth will be exposed.

The tragic causalities were never stupid or naïve. Their only fault was in their daring to hope. In believing the words spoken instead of the emotion hidden, they have been led to their destruction. Everyone wants to feel loved, and if you want something badly enough, your mind plays tricks on you. So they took the lies and accepted them as truth, embracing the façade of the fairy tale soul mate they always wanted. Somewhere in their hearts, they probably knew on a level that something was off. The way he always seemed to have a closer bond with her instead of you. The way her eyes lit up every time his name was mentioned, even if you were standing beside her. Oh, the causalities knew. Doubt would creep into their minds every time they let their repetitive self-assurances stop. Always, they pushed away the doubts. But at the end of the day, even when they were held closely in the warmth of their lover, the little insecurities would creep back in, only to be forgotten by morning.

It was a romance that every one of them saw in the beginning of it all. They were so plainly meant to be. But somehow, when circumstances pushed them away from each other, people conveniently forgot and moved on. Letting themselves think that the feelings were gone.

Brooke, Jake, Nathan, Anna, Pete… each one used and inadvertently hurt because of the foolish actions of two people who tried to avoid their deepest desires in order to protect the very people they were already hurting without realizing it.

He broke up Nathan and Peyton. She axed his relationship with Brooke. Except at that point both of them were scared, intensely scared, of the strength of their love. The destruction that had already been wreaked discomforted them and they both turned from each other, vowing to stay apart. He was convinced he loved Brooke, and before long she was firmly in belief of her emotion for Jake. They were safe now- both in committed relationships, both deeply in love with someone else. So what if his heart still sped up every time her hand accidentally brushed against him? So what if thoughts of him holding her still occasionally crept into her mind? Idle fantasies… they were too wrapped up in other people to possibly still have any feelings left over for each other.

Funny how she was once with his brother, and he was with her best friend. Funny how he had hated his brother and how she had broken ties with her former best friend. They were drawn to each other. As impossible as they made it for their relationship to ever get a chance to grow, some how they still ended up in each other's company when things got really bad. When they were in the worst possible shape, they found themselves getting help from the only person who could deliver it.

They still kept away from each other as much as possible. Some how, he still found the time to help her when she was spiraling into drugs. Not directly, of course, that would be against his own personal rules of avoidance. He sent her a messenger in his place- he gave her Jake. He had Brooke and a big part of him wanted Peyton to find happiness too. A more selfish part of him had hoped that if she obviously moved on and felt for Jake, his own aching for her would fade.

Brooke left. Jake left. And then she opened her door to find him looking at her, both of them feeling happier instantly despite the fact that their supposed lovers had just walked out from them.

The summer was hard for them. With no one there to physically remind them that they were just friends, lines were blurred. The confusing feelings they had worked furiously to stamp out were creeping out again.

But Brooke came back. They pretended again.

Her life almost ended. Who was there to save her? Only him, always him. Every thought of Brooke fled him as he watched her weak body struggle to breathe. He held her tightly to reassure himself that she wouldn't slip away. And then she cried, cried for all the times she pretended, cried for all the wasted time she could have spent with him, cried for the realization that she would never get the chance to love him openly. She would not die pretending, this she knew. And for the first time in months, she told him with words where her heart had always been. He had been faking it for so long that he had finally convinced himself that it was Brooke he loved and her confession ripped at his heart. He felt her lips against his and in that moment, everything crashed down and he never wanted to let her go.

She didn't die. Brooke was still there. Nothing had changed except both of them saw how badly their suppressing tactics had worked. They took up their masks again, telling even each other that the kiss was nothing…the result of two unclear minds panicking in a crisis. They didn't want to admit that a crisis was the only thing that could make them see the truth.

And then her loneliness overcame her and she went through the shallow relationship with a rock star to feel better. He didn't seem to care. Her heart stopped when she thought that maybe, maybe, this time he wasn't pretending any more and he really did love Brooke. Fleeing to her Lucas substitute, she believed she was happy when she had Jake again. Her feelings were buried for less than two days… it was the first time her causality recognized that he was causality.

Lucas always was better at pretending than she was. He had stayed firm with Brooke, and for all the world to see he was thrilled to be with her. He fought for her on more occasions than he could count. Never once did he allow himself to think that he was fighting for the wrong person. And he told Brooke sweet words, made strong promises, voiced and showed emotions that moved her to tears, never seeing that he was telling Brooke what he had never allowed himself to tell Peyton. He thought he was doing the right thing, but all he was doing was twisting the knife in Brooke's heart. She didn't feel the pain yet, but she would one day when it became undeniably obvious that she had been lied to.

Faking it means nothing when all the other person really wants is real emotion. If you just don't feel that way towards them, it would be better to say it and move on then to act like you do. This wasn't a concept Peyton and Lucas understood yet. In their haste to be up righteous people, they failed to see how cruelly they were playing Brooke and Jake. Neither of the blondes would acknowledge the fact that they were using others as pawns to protect themselves from feeling like bad people. It was the right thing to do. They couldn't be together. But why, why couldn't they? They used Brooke as a prime example of why they had to hide their feelings. Brooke, her best friend, and his first serious girl friend. They both sacrificed so much in her name. She wasn't completely oblivious to their actions. She sensed their attraction but most people brushed off her suspicions as mere paranoia. Time passed and she found herself believing him and her when they told her they were only friends and nothing more. Time passed and the two closest people in her life let the charade go on for too long…left unchecked, Brooke fell in love with him. He told her he felt the same and oh how he was glad at her joy, so happy that he was sparing her feelings. She was bursting with contentment, unaware that the two people in her life who were supposed to be just as happy were instead in a detached state of sadness.

Pawns, that's what they were. Innocent fools who made no mistake but following their hearts truthfully and diligently. They did what Peyton and Lucas couldn't do, they dared to care. Happiness constructed out of lies will never last long.

A day came when both knew.

Jake painfully sent away his angel, telling her straight out that she loved Lucas. Peyton couldn't believe that she was exposed, couldn't understand that her love for Lucas really wasn't removable or forgettable. She had hoped that strength of will could erase the heart's yearnings.

And Brooke. Brooke, who gave him her full heart and wanted to be his, only his. Brooke, who put him through hell in making him prove his love for her, simply because she couldn't bear the prospect of losing him. She was so scared that she loved him more than he loved her, and she was always afraid of making the wrong move- the one move that would suddenly clear Lucas's head and make him see just how much better Peyton was for him than Brooke could ever be. She was also good at pretending, but at a certain point, she couldn't any more. He was never hers, as much as he said otherwise. She never could get over the fact that he wanted Peyton first. After every thing that happened, a fearful part of her wondered if he still wanted Peyton first.

"One day, I'm going to marry you Brooke Davis." Lucas stated as he lay beside his girlfriend. Her large, dark eyes blinked up at him and she didn't say anything. A sad smile touched her lips and she knew it wasn't true.

Peyton had Jake and Lucas had Brooke. They tried to love those who they could be with, they really did. At the end of the day, they still lied to themselves and told themselves that they were happy.

Peyton's hand brushed against Lucas's and his heart sped up. The image of Lucas would spring into Peyton's mind every time she let her mind wander. Lucas caressed her hand and held it as they walked, side by side.

She looked at him and found that he was smiling at her. She had a picture of Jake in her purse. She only carried two pictures, one was of her parents, the other of the Jagielski family that she could almost belong to. None of Lucas. It wasn't necessary. All she had to do to be reminded of him was close her eyes.

A promise ring for Brooke sat in his back pocket. He believed he loved her.

The blonde beside him tightened her grip on his hand and slowed her pace. Their eyes met and then his head was bent, tilting towards her. She felt his dry lips crush against her lipstick covered ones and her arm wrapped around his neck as his dropped to her waist. They fit together like a puzzle and he realized how much he loved her taste. The kiss was fierce and heavy, he felt her nails dig into skin and she felt his arms press her closely against him.

And then her hands were out and she pushed him gently away from her. His hands released her and they resumed their walk in silence. There was no kiss. Just equal longing, a mutual fantasy shared by both.

He peeked at her out of the corner of his eye and she peeked back. Identical smiles slowly graced their lips and almost unnoticeably, except by them, their hands grazed again.

Brooke beamed as he showed her the promise ring. Peyton grinned along with her. But when Brooke's head was turned in the other direction, the blondes found their eyes attracted to each other's like magnets. A sad smile on his lips. A sad smile on her lips. She fell back against his chest as his other hand clutched at Brooke's. Brooke missed the soft stroke he fingered Peyton's hair with, didn't see how his eyes told Peyton every truth his heart knew. They had faked it for this long. And the only thing they could hold on to, the only thing keeping them sane, was their equal belief that this was necessary to do right. So they played their pawns longer, torturing each other and everyone around them in the game they didn't want to be playing. His hand held Brooke's and it would be Brooke who he would be going home with that night. He looked at Peyton and wished for a different reality.

Side by side the two sat on the couch. Brooke left them for just a moment, and Peyton clung onto his hand as if he would fade away. He kissed her forehead chastely and when Brooke came back he tried to stop himself from looking at Peyton every few seconds. Their feet bumped into each other's. Every time he moved, she sensed it. Every word she spoke, he picked up on. Any time they touched, they both lost coherent thought.

They were just friends. To all the world and to themselves, that's all they could ever be.


	3. Crisis

**A/N:** I've started a forum for review replies, so I won't be addressing reviews in the actual story. Check it out by clicking on my profile. Thanks for reviewing, and this is a rather long one to make up for the wait I put you through. If you haven't seen the season finale, I'd recommend you watch it first. This is the only time I'll have a spoiler warning in the duration of this anthology, from this point forward I'll just assume that you've all seen the necessary episodes...

* * *

**Crisis**

_No. No. No._

Brooke couldn't comprehend it.

"_I think I have feelings for Lucas."_

Her best friend in the entire world, her sister that she loved more than her parents…

A liar. A bitch. A backstabbing, manipulative, whore.

Lucas was Brooke's. He always had been. He loved her and she loved him, and they belonged together. Everyone knew it. But Peyton wanted them to break up…she never thought that they would make it. Throwing away their friendship, she was just waiting to jump on her boyfriend the moment the chance popped up.

Through every second chance and every forgiving act that Brooke had dealt out, Peyton always asked for another one. But this time it hurt too much.

The hair that looked deceivingly relaxed brushed against her bare shoulders. Her eyes were red from crying and her hands revealed sharp indentations where she had dug her nails in. The dress that looked so killer on her at the wedding lay across the dresser, and one of her shoes had fallen off her feet. The room was silent and her head was spinning. She told herself repeatedly that Peyton's feelings didn't matter in Brooke's relationship with Lucas- he loved Brooke and only Brooke. But she had just fought with both her best friend and her boyfriend, and she was feeling really crappy. A part of her wanted to tell him exactly why the two of them must shun Peyton completely, to make him understand precisely why she was an evil slut. Surely Lucas would be horrified and ignore Peyton once he found out how insensitive she was being.

It had only been ten minutes since she had gotten her items together and sat down in Lucas's room. She hadn't discussed her new living arrangements with him yet, but she knew that staying one more minute in Peyton's house would kill her.

She had only been home ten minutes, yet half of the pictures with Peyton in them were already ripped, burnt, or otherwise mutilated. It hurt to cut her friend out of her life but this wasn't something she could forgive.

"Luke." Brooke greeted half-heartedly as the door opened to reveal her boyfriend looking at her with concern.

"About earlier…"

"Today sucks." Brooke interrupted. "Let's just leave it at that."

"What happened between you and Peyton?"

"You can't talk to her. You can't see her. You can't even freaking think about her, okay?" she pleaded.

"Could you tell me why?"

"Could you promise me just because I, as the love of your life, am begging you to do one thing for me?"

"Brooke, what happened?" He sat down beside her and put his warm arm around her shoulders, nuzzling her neck with his lips as he did so. She shut her eyes tightly and slipped her hands over his arm.

"Just tell me you love me, please? Please, just stay away from her. Just promise me that everything will be okay and nothing will break us up…"

"Pretty girl, I'd do anything for you." Lucas answered with a small smile.

"Then tell me."

"Lucas!" a loud shriek blasted from outside his door. He whipped his head around and quickly strode to his kitchen, where the scream had come from.

His mother was holding the hand of a very panicked Peyton.

"What's going on?" he asked, looking from the worried face of his mother to the nearly crying face of Peyton.

Karen lowly said, "It's your brother…"

"Cooper and Rachel… there was a bridge, and the car went over, and Nate dove in after them… Haley's completely freaking out and your cell wasn't on and we have to get there, now!" Peyton gasped out. It took a second for the words to sink in, and then the four of them were sprinting for the car.

Karen launched into the driver's seat and Lucas pulled Peyton into the backseat so that Brooke was left in the passenger's side. His hand was clutched tightly around Peyton's, and both of them looked sickly.

"It's going to be okay," he reassured her, though truth be told he could hardly breathe.

Brooke watched the two of them out of the corner of her eye, and a part of her felt a pang of jealousy, even now.

The car lurched to a stop and Lucas's eyes widened at the sight of Haley bowled over, her hands digging into the railing. The car the new newly weds had been driving in was in a haphazard position near the edge of the bridge, and even inside the car Lucas could hear Haley's sobs.

"Where are they? I called them and they said they'd be right here, but where are they? Why isn't the ambulance here yet? I called them, Luke, I called them!" she whimpered against his chest as he scooped her up in his arms and hugged her. "They're down there. I told him not to do it, I begged him not to do it…"

"How long, Haley?" Karen gently asked.

"I don't know… at least five minutes, or maybe it's been ten… fifteen? Oh God, he's not up yet, why isn't he up yet?"

"I have to go in after them." Lucas stated, anxiously squinting at the water below.

"No! I will not watch you do the same thing Nathan did!" Haley shouted.

"Hales-"

"That's not going to accomplish anything, all you will be doing is putting yourself in danger." Karen glared at her son.

"I can't just stand here and watch them die!" he blurted and twisted away from Haley.

Peyton grabbed tightly onto the front of his shirt and pulled him closer to her and farther from the railing. "There's no way you're going after them. There's no fucking way we're going to watch you die." Her voice was panicked and the tears that she had been holding in were sliding freely down her cheeks now.

"Look, the cops are here, it's going to be okay." Brooke pointed to the sirens rapidly approaching the water from beneath them.

"I'm going down there, to meet the ambulance." Haley stated.

"They might need an adult with you," Karen nodded and followed.

"He's my brother." Lucas whispered and started to go too. He stopped and looked at Brooke. "Someone should stay here, in case some officers come up here. You should stay."

"Why can't Peyton stay?"

"Nathan could be dead right now, okay? There's no time to argue about this, let whatever fight you have with her go away for now! She looks like she's about to fall over, I don't think it's a good idea to leave her alone right now, and besides, Brooke- she's closer to all three of them than you are." Lucas quickly explained. He gave her a fast kiss on the lips before running to catch up with Karen and Haley, his hand still pulling on Peyton's arm.

Brooke was left standing with her mouth half open, by herself, with nothing to do but watch as the small crowd of people rushed around below the bridge.

Even from the distance, she could see how tightly the four of them were holding on to each other as they waited for the EMS and rescue crew to work to free the three people trapped in the car.

Nathan was lying in a stretcher a few minutes later, followed closely by his uncle and Rachel. All three of them were unconscious.

Haley let out a sob and slipped her hand into Nathan's limp one, her face displaying her fear. Karen was staring at Coop and a bloodied up Rachel while talking quietly to the EMS, Luke stood beside Haley, squeezing her shoulders and unable to look away from his brother's body. He told himself he had to be strong, for Haley's sake.

The bodies were put in two ambulances, Nathan and Coop in one, Rachel in the other. All three teens wanted to ride with Nate, but Karen quietly sat beside Rachel, not wanting her to be alone.

At the hospital, Haley found herself having an anxiety attack. She couldn't breathe and before long, she needed a doctor's help herself. She was briefly guided to a private area to be calmed down, leaving Lucas and Peyton by themselves. Peyton looked close to hyperventilating and the prospect of someone taking away the only source of comfort he had at the moment made Lucas freak out even further.

"Breathe, Peyt. Calm, slow breaths. You can do it." He said quietly rubbing her back. Speaking broke the silence, speaking distracted him from the all encompassing fear that was eating away at his heart.

"They were so bloody." Her voice was still higher than normal, and it was hoarse from over use. Her hands were shaking and for the life of her she couldn't make herself calm down. She had stopped crying a while ago, but everything about her was a frazzled mess.

"They're going to be okay."

"Don't say things you don't mean, don't make promises you can't keep! Nate could be dying, oh God… Coop, and Rachel- I was such a bitch to her!" Peyton wrapped her arms around herself and shut her eyes. Luke got out of his chair and knelt in front of her, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"They're going to be okay."

She caught the slightly desperate way he spoke the words and nodded briefly, meeting his eyes. "They're going to be okay."

"Keep saying it with me."

"They're going to be okay." Both of them repeated slowly.

"Nathan's strong."

"Coop's been in worse accidents."

"Rachel won't give up."

"They're going to be okay." A calming mantra. Peyton unfolded her arms and wrapped them around Lucas. She let herself fall out of her chair into his open arms and the two tightly clung on to each other against the sterile hospital floor.

Luke lost his composure and a few tears leaked out of his eyes. He couldn't blink them away, and before he knew it a soft sob burst from his throat. Peyton could feel the shudders erupting from his shoulders and only hugged him harder.

"Luke…" Peyton murmured against his shirt. "What if they're not?"

"Are they okay?" Brooke's voice entered their ears. Lucas looked up through Peyton's hair and tried to speak. He managed a shrug.

"We don't know yet." Peyton swallowed, sensing that Brooke was still extremely pissed at her.

"Luke, come here, it'll be okay." Brooke called to her boyfriend lightly. He gave Peyton a squeeze before dropping from her arms and into her best friend's. Brooke ran her hand through his hair and leaned against his chest. "Things will be fine."

She looked at Peyton from over his shoulder, her eyes stubbornly cold as they took in the blonde trying to compose herself off the floor. Peyton met Brooke's gaze and silently walked out of the room by herself.

Haley was just coming out of a small hospital room, followed by a nurse who was patting her back softly. She looked beyond sickly, her eyes were red and raw, her hair a tangled mess. She was still wearing her wedding gown and the beautiful white dress was crumpled and had mud smears across the knees and bottom from when she knelt against the railing and trudged through the dirty water of the river.

"Are you feeling any better?" Peyton quietly asked.

The brunette tried to smile. "Not really."

"Brooke just got here. I don't know where Karen is, but I think the hospital is calling Dan and Deb."

"How long will it be until we find out anything?"

"I don't know, Haley."

The brunette shut her eyes and ran her hand across her face raggedly. She looked so defeated.

The need to make Haley feel better filled Peyton's heart and she felt a large pang of sympathy for her friend… Nathan was one of Peyton's close friends but he was the love of Haley's life. The prospect of losing someone like that hurt Peyton enough in her own situation and she recognized how horrible Haley would be holding up.

"This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life." Her voice was soft.

"He will make it. He has to. You'll look back on this day fifty years from now and hold his hand and lecture him for being such a good guy… He did the right thing, he did the bravest, most honourable thing I've ever seen a person do."

"He was stupid and selfish… what good could he have done? He was so stupid!" Haley exclaimed, though her words were anguished and not angry. "He was so, so wonderful and I hate him for it, I do."

"Rachel's parents are here. They think she'll be okay, the doctor says she's stable." Karen stated as she strode up to the two girls, her face careworn.

"How come they haven't told us anything about Nathan yet?" Haley sharply demanded. Her brows knit together as she looked from Karen to Peyton. "Why don't they know yet? Does that mean he's in serious condition? Oh my God…"

"Come here, honey." Karen opened her arms up to the girl who had become a daughter to her and tightly hugged her. The embrace was motherly and warm as Karen stroked Haley's hair. "Listen to me. We have to be strong. When Nathan wakes up, he's going to laugh at how worried we all got over him. He'll be fine. How about we get you some water?"

"I have to go back to the waiting room…what if they find out if he's okay or not and I'm not there? What if something happens-"

"Luke and Brooke are in there. Don't worry. Go for a few minutes, get some fresh air. The last thing Nathan needs is for his wife to have two anxiety attacks in the span of an hour." Peyton rationally said, ushering the girl in the direction of the doors.

Karen smiled at Peyton as she took Haley's hand. "You should come with us. I don't want to leave you alone, Peyton."

"I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" Haley asked feebly. "Do you want us to get you anything?"

"Go." Karen nodded and patted Peyton's shoulder.

"We won't be long." The two slowly departed and Peyton found herself alone again. She slipped down against the wall and slumped roughly on the floor. The vending machines were winking at her and the lights were blinding, but the feeling of hopelessness was all that she could feel.

"Honey, it's going to be fine." Brooke cooed comfortingly. The fact that Lucas was on the verge of crying was completely unsettling her and for the most part she had no idea what to do. He never let her in when he was freaking out like this and she never knew what she was supposed to say or do to make things better.

Lucas pulled back and nodded.

"Even if the worst happens… Nathan was a hero."

"I'd rather have him be a total ass again if it meant he'd be alive. What good are heroes?" Lucas vehemently snapped.

"If Coop and Rachel live, it's thanks to Nate."

"If Coop and Rachel live and Nate doesn't…" Lucas sucked in a sharp breath. No. He couldn't think about that. "There would be no fucking justice in the world."

"Luke…" she put her hands against his cheeks and leaned her forehead against his. The action suddenly gave Luke a claustrophobic feeling and he gently jerked away. "Keith died saving the lives of Nathan, Haley, and you. I guess the Scott family is full of people who would give their all for those they love."

"I can't. Brooke, I can't. I can't think about Keith right now, I can't think about Nathan d-dying, about losing another family member, I can't." He cradled his head and then quietly muttered, "My fault. Keith was my fault, I could have saved him, I could have… He wouldn't have gone if I weren't there… I shouldn't have brushed off Nathan's drowning nightmare off as paranoia, I shouldn't have given him the keys to that car, I should have made them wait… I should have gone after Cooper and made sure Rachel was okay… I should have stopped her from drinking so much… I should have been a better friend to Jimmy…"

"It's not your fault, Lucas! You have to stop blaming yourself. You're crucifying yourself for things that you couldn't control. It's not your fault."

"I had to choose between Peyton and Keith, what the hell kind of a game is God playing? What kind of sadism would make me choose?"

"You chose a girl you call just a friend over your uncle?" The words slipped out before Brooke could stop them, and even as she blurted them she felt regret in her mouth.

Lucas looked up with pain clearly spelled out in his eyes. "Don't you know that I've been wondering about every single thing I've done that day since it happened? Don't you realize that this is **Peyton** I'm talking about? Or are you angry enough with her to want her to be dead?"

"I didn't mean-"

"Yeah you did. It's always about you, even when my brother is lying in a hospital bed, it's always about you. I'd give my life for Peyton, okay? If that's what you wanted to know-"

"Seriously?" she seemed almost appalled.

"Brooke. I can't do this right now. I can't have this conversation for the hundredth time. It's not worth it. I love Peyton-"

"Luke!"

"I love her, just as I love Haley. I ran through a burning building to save Dan, for Christ's sake. I can't and I won't stand there and let a person die, despite who it is. And if you would, if you'd even consider it, I don't want to talk to you right now."

"I was trying to help." Brooke pleaded helplessly.

"You can't help me, Brooke."

"Fine. Get up and find Peyton. She seems to help you so much better, or at least you always go to her in a crisis. I wonder why that is."

"Just **shut up** Brooke!" Lucas's stress threshold had officially been broken and the words came out in a frustrated yell. She recoiled in hurt and though he felt badly for the way her eyes were watering, he had just about all he could take today. Lucas sucked in a crisis, despite what anyone else may say. He briefly attempted to say something to rectify the situation with Brooke, but he was having a hard time choosing the right way.

"Just don't forget that I'd give you everything I had if it meant being with you, Lucas."

"Don't _you_ forget that I did give my everything." Lucas sighed. This wasn't working. He got up without attempting an apology and started away.

"Please-"

"I can't talk about our relationship when there are people dying. There are more serious things in life. Its time you realized that there's more to the world than you and me."

"You _are_ my world."

"No I'm not. You've gotten a lot more independent lately, and I'm so glad for that. But I can't sit here and talk anymore with you, okay? I'll just make things worse."

"I want to be here for you."

"You can't be. Not now."

"Let me in-" she was echoing her sentiments from earlier in the day, but she didn't care if she was sounding desperate any more. He was slipping away and it terrified her.

He just shook his head mournfully and let his hand drop hers. "I'm sorry."

She couldn't do this. She couldn't sit here and wait as more people died. There was too much death in her life, and it didn't feel fair to her that this had to happen. Not to Nathan, just when he finally patched things up with Haley. Not to Coop, who just found that life is bigger than racing cars, and not to Rachel who finally showed that she had a heart after all. Peyton felt a pang of guilt thinking about Rachel. The two looked like they could have been good friends…if not for Brooke. She had even perceived Peyton's feelings for Luke before Peyton herself had realized them.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't just stand there and talk about inane things when he was on the verge of losing more people he cared about. Barely coping with Keith's death, Lucas knew that nothing, ever, would be okay again. He kept telling himself it would turn out, but the fear in his heart was something that would never leave, even if all three of them were safe. It had come to his attention that nothing was truly stable. Nothing was secure, no one was safe. At any moment, someone in his life could vanish abruptly. It scared the shit out of him.

Upon seeing Peyton by herself in the hallway of the hospital, Lucas instantly felt bad for pretty much ignoring her for Brooke.

"You shouldn't be by yourself."

"I'm fine."

"Peyton."

"Is this where we stop pretending and actually face facts?"

"Maybe."

"I'm not ready to do that yet, Luke." He softened completely and crouched down beside her.

"I don't think I am either."

"Those doctors have been in there for a while."

"That could mean anything."

Peyton looked away from Lucas's reassuring gaze, focusing on her trembling hands instead. She was fighting once again to keep her composure.

"Do you think if I ask what I really want to ask… it'll make it more likely to happen?"

"Of course not."

"Then why is it so hard to say?"

"Because neither of us wants to admit how serious this is."

"If we delve into a serious conversation, are you going to bolt?"

"Are you?"

"I can't."

"Then ask."

"Why do people in my life keep dying?" Peyton buried her head in her arms and released a breath. "My mom ran through that red light. Ellie had cancer. Keith… I'm sorry. You probably don't want me moping about everything, not now."

"It's not your fault."

"Whose fault is it?"

"I don't think any one of us can assume responsibility."

"Why won't it just stop?"

"The world doesn't work that way." Lucas stared at the blonde beside him, strangely transfixed. He had rarely seen her so vulnerable.

"You know how you tell me that I pretty much lose my head in a crisis?"

"Yeah?"

"I think they actually make me see things clearer."

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

Peyton took a deep breath. "This is probably my fatigue speaking, but I'm so, so tired of pretending and hiding, and being who I think others want me to be. Do you know why Brooke won't speak to me?"

"I'm going to take a narcissistic guess and say- me? She's being suspicious again?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry about that."

"It's my fault." She clenched her teeth, bracing his reaction. "Listen, we shouldn't be talking about this now. It's insane. It's the wrong place and time, and really stupid when you think about why we're here."

"I thought you didn't want to think about why we're here?"

And then her eyes met his and she wanted him more than she had ever wanted anyone in her life. It hit her in that moment the extent of his sincerity and she felt crushed by emotion.

Ignoring her heart declaring that this was as good a time as any to declare her undying love, she leaned into him and said, very clearly, "Haven't you realized that I don't know what I want?"

The words that both had been waiting to hear so desperately for the past hour were finally heard at that minute, shattering any distraction either had managed to grab.

"Nathan Scott is in stable condition, as is Cooper. Brain damage is a possibility at this point." The doctor had finally come out and was speaking with an extremely flushed Deb and an increasingly panicked Dan.

"Can we see him?" Peyton, Lucas, and Deb all asked. The doctor nodded and led the way. Peyton felt herself losing her breath again…the walk to Nathan's room was heart stopping. Everything blurred together, one moment they were listening to a load of medical jargon, and then Haley was there with Karen. Dan looked ready to faint, and Deb was clinging onto Haley and Karen. They walked in the door and the appearance of an extremely weak Nathan shattered the hearts of everyone in the room.

"Is he going to live?" Lucas found strength to ask.

"Yes." Never had one syllable relieved the people so much. The group flocked to his side; Haley took his hand and looked as if she was fully planning to hold it until he woke up. Deb was on his other side, holding his other hand, and Dan was beside her, crying against Nathan's legs. Lucas leaned over his brother and found himself still terrified at losing him, despite the doctor's words. Karen hovered over Lucas and Haley, squeezing their shoulders gently, and Peyton pulled up a chair to the foot of his bed, clasping her hands together in a worried, almost prayerful stance.

When he finally woke up, there was a flurry of frantic movement as everyone stood up and tried talking to him at once. Deb found that she couldn't and simply burst out crying as she grabbed her son's arm in complete relief that he was finally conscious. Nathan smiled at his mother, nodded to his father, and managed to laugh at all the commotion.

"Hey. Breathe, guys. I'm fine." He shook his head in amusement. "All you guys gathered for me. It's touching, really."

"Thank God. For a while there…" Lucas started, swallowing heavily.

"You guys panicked for nothing. Haven't you realized by now that I'm pretty much un-killable?" he was joking, but no one laughed.

"Don't joke about things like that. You're in here more times than any of us… If anything, I'd say you're cursed. From collapsing on the court to totaling a car, you're going to get yourself fucking killed one day!" Peyton exclaimed angrily.

"Chill, guys, really." He smiled cheekily. A hand squeeze from Haley brought his attention to his wife. He looked at her small hand clutched tightly around his and met her tear filled eyes. His smile broadened. "Hey." She let out a small sob and started crying again. Unable to voice words, she threw herself on him in a crushing embrace. Nathan laughed softly and hugged her back with equal force.

"You can't do that again, okay? I told you not to do it, please, don't ever do anything so insane again-" Haley murmured, "Promise me. Promise me that I'm not going to lose you."

"Hales, I'm sorry." He finally got more serious at the panic in his wife's voice. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you freak out. I promise, okay?"

She pulled away and kissed him gently. "I love you, so, so much."

It became clear that Haley seriously was not going to let go of him. "I love you too, Haley." She sobbed into his chest and Nathan cracked. He sobered up completely and rubbed her back. "I'm not going to leave you, everything's okay now. I swear." Nathan's eyes leaked and even when Haley settled back in her chair, they didn't let go of each other's hands.

After everyone had their turn in making sure that Nathan was honestly okay and had sufficiently hugged, lectured, and told him how much they cared about him and how he was never going to be so reckless again, Peyton decided it was time to leave. She kissed Nathan on the cheek and told him she'd be back tomorrow, and made her way towards Rachel's room.

She was surprised to find the room empty. "Rachel, are you awake?"

The redhead snapped her eyes open and Peyton saw how raw they looked. She nodded and smiled. "Hey. You came."

"Are you all right? Is there any lasting damage? Where are your parents?"

"They came and went." She said as cheerfully as she could manage. Her mask was fallen and she didn't have the strength to make it come back up. "I'll be okay. Mouth is here. He's just out to get me a magazine."

"What happened out there?"

Rachel winced and shook her head. "I'd rather not talk about it." Her smile reappeared as a thought popped into her mind. "Brooke came by a few minutes ago, too. She told me I was right about you and Lucas."

"I guess you were. Though I've got to say, I don't care much for your attempts at following through."

"You know, Lucas never did want me. I tried and I tried, and he never said yes."

"Brooke is his life."

"But you're his soul." Rachel smiled. "Listen Peyton. You can't go through life pretending. You just can't. You have to be honest with those you love and actually want to keep. Everything is so crappy, and it's already too late for me. I've lost everything. But you can still fix things, you can still be happy."

"Why is it too late for you?" Peyton frowned in confusion.

"Mouth tried to make me feel better, and Brooke told me it was for the best… but it's just not." Rachel crumpled and turned away, hiding her face. "I was pregnant, Peyton. And it's gone now. I lost my baby. Cooper's baby."

Of all the things she was expecting to hear, Peyton wasn't expecting that. All she could do was take the girl's hand. "I'm so sorry, Rachel."

"Yeah, me too. He didn't want me, you know? Lucas and Cooper, neither of them wanted me. He didn't even believe me when I tried to tell him that I had his baby in me. He thought I was lying and then he wouldn't stop and I tried to make him listen… I was only trying to make him listen. I didn't mean to pull us over the edge… I didn't know that Nathan would come after us. I didn't mean to ruin everything." Rachel stated hopelessly. "Is he okay? Are they okay?"

"Nathan is, and the doctors say Coop is too."

"Good." Rachel nodded. "That's good."

"Things will look up."

"Not for me." Her smile was sad. "It's okay, you can go now. I have Mouth. Find Lucas. You owe it to everyone to just tell him. Don't let go of something you know you'd die without."

"Take care, okay?"

"Just go, Sawyer." She gestured the blonde away, and Peyton gave her a brief hug before complying. "Good bye. And thank you. We would have made kick ass friends."

"We can still be friends. Brooke isn't a factor anymore. Besides, I think you're pretty cool and really decent when you're not pretending to be a slutty bitch." Peyton joked.

"Love you too, Blondie." Rachel rolled her eyes. "And here I was thinking you hated me."

"Like I said, you're pretty cool. We have more in common than I'd like to admit before, but I hope when you get out, we can work things out."

"Just you saying that works things out." She grinned. "Now hurry up and go. And don't be sorry, for any of it."

"What do you mean?"

"Just don't be sorry. You did everything you could. And I'm grateful. But it's time."

"What are you talking about?"

"Go make Lucas love you." She shook her head in a very final manner and shut her eyes again. Peyton was still confused, but reluctantly left. Peyton didn't know it at the time, but it would be the last time she would ever see Rachel. The redhead herself knew what was to come, and she was ready. As grateful as she was that she was saved for long enough to get her emotions out, it was her time to go. Nathan saved her from dying without an explanation, but he couldn't save her life. When Mouth would walk in to the room in a few minutes, Rachel would apologize to him for all her mistakes and she would kiss him, truly, honestly, freely. And she'd love him, for real this time. But it would come too late.

Peyton ran straight into Lucas in the hallway after leaving Rachel's room.

"Coop's still out of it." He told her.

"Rachel's pretty messed up." She responded.

"Brooke left a while ago, apparently. She's pissed at me. I'm pissed at her. It's a very exhausting explanation. Nate's still with Hales and his parents. They aren't leaving. Not even to change. Haley's set on staying here all night, even if it means looking like a deranged runaway bride." Lucas was deliberately keeping it light, trying to pretend as if he didn't nearly have an emotional break down waiting to see if they would be okay. "How are you?"

"Not hyperventilating any more. That's a good sign." Peyton wryly answered. "And you?"

"I'm just tired. I feel like I could sleep for a year."

"We should go home, then."

"My mom and Deb are with Cooper, and Dan and Hales are with Nate, but what about Rachel?"

"Mouth will keep her company."

"It feels weird to just walk out as if we didn't come here in a panic just a few hours ago."

"I know." Peyton slipped her hand in his and started walking. Lucas smiled at her as they made their way into the parking lot. "Do you ever feel like our lives have way too much drama going on in it?"

"All the time."

"What's going on with you and Brooke?"

"I don't really know. It just feels so hard, you know? Are relationships supposed to be this hard? Because… it's just that others are just so much easier."

"It's not about how easy it is. It's about how much you want it to work. And I've seen the way you've been with Brooke- you're sincere when you say you want it to work. You've done so much not to. She's your life, Luke."

"Basketball was my life. I lost that. And it hurts so much more to have lost Keith than it did to lose "my life". Maybe things that I put first aren't prioritized like they should be."

"Where are you going with this?"

"Maybe I'm wrong a lot more often than you think I am. Maybe I take things for granted that I really shouldn't take for granted." He sighed. "I'm just tired, Peyton. I'm tired of having to explain to every single person how deeply I love Brooke. I'm tired of justifying to myself why I feel so much more comfortable with you instead of her. I get the feeling that with every single woman who I will ever be with in my lifetime… I'll always have to reassure them that they're first. With Nathan…and then Jake… I get the feeling that I'm going to have to tell every single guy you're with that we're just friends."

"Aren't we?"

Lucas smiled again and opened the car door for her.

* * *

_Peyton stood in front of Lucas, fingering another of her multitudes of albums. His girlfriend was back, and a summer wouldn't change that. But despite it all…_

"_It's always going to be there, isn't it? You and me." Of course it is… Lucas met the eyes of a shocked Peyton, and neither knew what to say. Her heart broke for him, but his decision was made._

_But it _would_ always be there… _

* * *

Peyton leaned against Lucas's shoulder as he pulled away from the hospital. He took her hand, and teased, "Why is it that we always end up together in a crisis?" 

"Maybe it's the only time in our lives where we'll have an opportunity to lose our minds and not be judged."

"And so you're saying that we've lost our minds?"

**"I always do when I'm around you."**


	4. When Nothing Else Matters

"_Love reminds you that nothing else matters."_

- Amy Bushell

She walked out of my life. The truth behind that one fact hasn't really sunken in my mind yet, and I doubt it will ever be accepted in my heart.

I didn't even understand why at the time. She was back after visiting Jake, and then Brooke was angry with her for some reason or another. I wasn't told the reason, despite my constant questioning from both girls, and Hales.

And then Peyton was at my door, her bags fully packed. It was a week after the wedding. She looked impassive as she told me that she was leaving. I couldn't understand her meaning. Jake. She was leaving Tree Hill to move in with Jake. Tree Hill didn't need her anymore, she told me. It was Jake and Jenny that needed her, and she needed them back. I had tried to tell her that _I_ needed her, but she only smiled and reminded me that I had Brooke to look after me. It wasn't that simple, she was my friend.

She shook her head and just said that she came over to say good bye…she had already said goodbye to the others and after she saw me she was going to seriously leave for good.

I couldn't find anything to say. I couldn't very well say 'don't go'. Who was I to ask her to stay? What reasons could I have to make her reconsider, except for my own selfishness? After all, I knew how much she loved Jake and I knew the hell it was for her when he left. It was for the best.

As she walked away from me, my eyes followed her retreating back. I told myself this wouldn't be forever. I could visit her anytime, and she could come back here. Post secondary would be starting soon anyways.

She stopped in front of the cab and turned back to face me before getting in. Her eyes looked almost hopeful as she looked at me one last time. I saw her mouth open, and she was clearly hesitating. After a moment, her shoulders slumped minutely and she disappeared in the car. As the cab drove off, I wanted to chase after her, holler that I wouldn't let her just leave. But all I could do was stand there. Silent and in shock.

It wasn't until a few days later that I found out the true story. Haley seemed to be surprised that I had let her leave, and after she consistently nagged Brooke for the details, she called me over, sat me down, and told me why Peyton left.

I had no idea. The 'I love you' from the shooting not with standing, I didn't know that she still had feelings for me. Even more surprising to me was the fact that she actually left Jake for me. I had always believed that she had a fairy tale's passion for Jake, and I never would have thought that she would ever turn down a legitimate chance to be with him. But she did- for me.

I was the reason why she and Brooke are no longer talking. I was the reason why she left town. She came back in the hopes of confirming her feelings, and once that was done, she had hoped to confess. That went down the drain after Brooke reacted a bit angrier than Peyton had expected. I was told that she didn't want to make things worse with Brooke by telling me how she felt. She tried to bury them. And when I did nothing to let on any residual feelings for her, she decided to go back to Jake.

Jake left her an open window. He basically told her to come back to him if things with me didn't pan out. He told her to go back if she resolved her feelings, or realized that she did love him with all her heart.

I wanted to stop her from leaving. I really did. But how was I to know that she was leaving on my account?

The news staggered me. Peyton Sawyer still loved me, after all this time. She was willing to risk it all for me, all except the one thing that might have helped her cause: she never told me.

God, I thought that her kissing me in the library was an effect of her being near death. I brushed it off as a rather interesting reaction to being injured and panicked.

I wish that she had come to me. I know why she didn't, of course I know why she didn't, but if I had known that her sentiments were real, I wouldn't have brushed them away so easily as I did that one day. My initial reaction was shock, followed by anger. She just packed up and left without a single word to me in explanation. How fair was that?

Damn it, I can't even wrap my head around this. After all the drama we had shared, I thought she didn't see me like that any more. It's killing me to think about it because if I had only known, if she just told me…

That's the thing that's eating me up from the inside out until I can't even stand up properly. I still love her.

The moment she walked out of my life, I knew.

It's ironic that she walked out of my life because of the belief that I didn't love her at the moment I realized I did. The universe is laughing at me right now, I can fucking feel it. In knowing that her feelings haven't died for me, I just knew that mine haven't either. I've brushed it off as nothing through the years, discarding it as phantom fantasies from the past.

But damn it, Peyton! I still love her with every thing I have. That's why I can't get to sleep at night. I still want to be with her and I want to hit something when I let myself dwell. Why the hell couldn't she just have told me?

Naturally, I couldn't leave things the way they were, not after I found out the truth. The day I found out what happened, I hopped on the train. I told Brooke I was going to confront Peyton about it, and though it took a bit of convincing, she let me go.

I was a nervous mess on the train. It had seemed like the only logical plan at the time, but when the hours passed faster than I could have ever anticipated and all that was left was fifteen minutes; the logical part of the plan seemed to evade me. What was I doing?

My feet somehow carried me to the address Mr. Sawyer had given me. My hand, traitor that it is, managed to rise up and knock the door. Peyton answered in a heartbeat, and fell back a step as recognition hit her.

"Lucas, what are you doing here?" she blurted.

"No 'how are you', or even a hello?" I struggled to grin. "Wow. Leaving the town sure did wonders for your etiquette."

She had the decency to look slightly embarrassed and offered me a hug. Upon pulling away, she decided that she wasn't going to let me fumble around with small talk.

"You didn't sit through all those hours on a train to wait for me to ask you how you are." Peyton said, raising her eyebrows inquisitively. She moved aside to let me in the house, and I realized that this was going to be much harder than I had thought it would be in my self-righteous urgency to get here.

Maybe it was for the best that I just say it. "I guess not, Ms. Sawyer. But I decided to brave the boring ride since word around town is you're still in love with me. And I have from a very good source that you weren't sitting in a pool of blood while saying it this time."

She looked like someone had thrown cold water in her face and proceeded to blast a fan at her. Covering quickly, she said, "Really. Where did you hear that?"

I knew she was just covering for time to come up with a semi decent explanation but I let it go. "Haley who got it from Brooke." A part of me wondered if she was going to deny it. A larger part wondered if Brooke had made it up to test my feelings for her. If the latter was true, I briefly speculated on whether or not I failed or passed. "I'm not going to assume right away that they're right, but I thought I'd hear it from you. Apparently, I was the reason why you left town."

This gave her something that she knew how to answer. "I left for Jake. Not to burst your bubble or anything." At the smile that appeared on her face, I could tell she was going for the denial approach.

"Peyton, I have to know. Do you still have feelings for me?"

"Okay, when I told Brooke that I did, I wasn't lying. I thought I did. But I was just really upset at the time, and everyone had someone and I just felt so alone… I was jealous and lonely, and anything I said at the time doesn't necessarily reflect on how I feel now," She nervously ran her hand through her hair and her eyes darted from my eyes to my shoulder.

"So you're saying you _thought_ you loved me, but you don't?"

"I'm saying I don't want to mess up our friendship."

"You're going to if you don't tell me the truth," I said as gently as I could.

Her arms crossed and she took a step back from me. "I love Jake, and yes, maybe I might have some feelings for you. But that's because of our history, and the fact that you saved my life. Of course I love you."

"You know as well as I do that I'm not asking about that kind of love."

"You could make this a little easier for me to say, you know," her voice was mildly irritated as she clenched her teeth and fingered a random object sitting on a shelf beside us. "Remember my last 'I love you'? You blew me off and I had said it after I just took a bullet to the leg. So even if I still had romantic feelings for you, what makes you think I'd tell you?"

"Because I'm asking you to." I said, taking the object away from her.

"What answer did you sit in a train for six hours and twenty four minutes to find out? What answer do you want to hear?" She furrowed her brows in agitation, but her voice was almost pleading.

"I just want the truth."

"The truth is I never can make up my mind. And every time I have something I want, something always happens to mess that up. My perception of what I want changes too often to be reliable. Or at least the things I tell myself I want never seem to hold up properly," Peyton said. "And the truth is, I can't be talking to you about whether or not I love you when we're standing in the house of my fiancée."

Suddenly, I found it that much easier to stand up straighter and focus my eyes. "Did you say fiancée? Are you-" Take a breath Luke, come on, you can do it, "Engaged to him?"

"Yes." She said quietly, firmly, bowing her head.

"Why didn't you tell us? When did this happen? Were you even going to invite me to the wedding?" I was indignant now.

"Of course I was. Just not yet." She shifted her feet uncomfortably.

"That's a no, then? You don't love me?"

"What kind of a person would propose to a man if she was in love with another?" Peyton asked, giving me a dark look.

"So, you thought you loved me two weeks ago and suddenly you aren't anymore?" I couldn't breathe. "God Peyton, I don't understand you. Why couldn't you just have told me before you left? I deserved to know."

"You didn't stop me, did you? When I told you I was leaving, you didn't stop me. I stood outside your house for a good five minutes, and you didn't come after me. Didn't even stand outside." Her voice level was rising, and it was obvious we would both be yelling soon.

"Are you saying you would have stayed if I had?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, you dill hole!" Peyton yelled.

"You're saying you would have stayed in Tree Hill for me, which means you wouldn't have proposed to Jake because of me, which doesn't make much sense if your feelings for me were shallow enough to fade in so short a time frame."

"I waited for you, Lucas. I tried to get over you. But you chose Brooke, always. There was nothing left for me there."

"This isn't being fair to Jake-"

"I love Jake and I recognize that you and I aren't happening in this lifetime. I've accepted that because you wouldn't choose me and I've found some one who will. I deserve that much, don't you think?"

"Through all of this, you still haven't answered me. Are you still in love with me?"

"Stop asking me that!" Peyton shut her eyes and turned away from me. "I can't answer that. I can't."

"I need you to answer me."

"It's too late now. Can't you understand?" Her hands gestured wildly and I was amazed at how worked up I had managed to stir her up in the ten minutes I had gotten here. "I think you have to go."

"Yes or no. It isn't a difficult question."

"But both answers would condemn me, wouldn't they? No matter what I say, no matter what I tell you, I'll still be wrong, I'll still be a bad person."

"The feelings you have for someone don't make you a bad person. Emotions aren't wrong, and come on, Peyton- this is me you're talking to. I'm not going to condemn you. I just want the truth," I said, taking two steps forward to make up for the distance she had tried to put between us. "Why is it so hard for you to tell me? Don't you trust me enough to know that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you? I won't tell anyone what your answer is, if that would make you more comfortable. Just please, be honest with me before I leave."

"Lucas. You asked me if I loved you ten minutes ago. If the answer was a solid no, do you really believe I would have wasted all this time in saying it?" Peyton said with a heavy sigh. "You already know what the answer is. You always have."

"No, I haven't. You never let me know. I was under the impression that you had moved on a long time ago." I argued.

"You mean like you did? You moved on to my best friend in the time span it took me to have a single conversation with Haley to figure out that I really did want to be with you. Not everyone's emotions work so quickly. What was I supposed to do? This time around I didn't want to hurt Brooke. I told her as soon as I realized what I felt. And then she shoved me out of her life. If feelings aren't wrong, why do I keep getting punished for this? Brooke told me not to tell you, and I understood why. After everything that happened, I didn't want to repeat our past mistakes. Even if everything you told Brooke happened to be a lie and you still somehow had anything left over for me, we'd just royally screw up all relations with Brooke. If you weren't lying to her and really were over me, I would have just messed things up with both of you. Those are really winning possibilities, aren't they? What the hell was I supposed to do?" Peyton ranted. She started pacing before falling back on the couch in the living room, looking more frazzled then ever.

"You should have trusted me enough to be honest. Burying feelings don't work, don't you get that? They have a way of coming out and I just would have much rather have heard it from you than from Haley." I strode in front of her and gave her a hard look. "What you just did was run away. The coward's way out."

"What I just did was spare yours and Brooke's relationship. What I did was make things easier for you, and for her, and yeah, for me too. I left everything and everyone I know and love to do the right thing. So don't march over here and tell me I was being a coward when the only thing I've ever tried to do was make things better for _you_." Peyton snapped back.

"You're being a martyr yet you never once took the time to find out the full facts. You were so selfish, you know that? Just taking off, blaming me for it. And you never gave me the chance to say anything at all. You say you did it all for me, but you never told me how you felt. How was I supposed to help you or do anything if you didn't tell me? Peyton, just tell me."

"You selfish son of a bitch. After everything I've just said, you still want me to say the words?"

"I need you to."

"You don't care about anyone but yourself, do you, Lucas?" Peyton hissed and stood up. She walked towards the door, turned swiftly to face me, and said, "I love you. Is that what you provoked and antagonized me to hear? Yes, I, Peyton Sawyer, am still in fucking love with you, Lucas Scott. Is that clear enough? Is that honest enough?"

"I-"

"No. Don't say anything. Just leave. Just walk out the door. Please, Lucas."

"Don't I have a right to respond?"

"I can't hear what you have to say. Or is that too difficult a concept for you to understand? No matter what you could say to me, you'll still screw everything up. So just don't, okay? Just go, and never talk about it ever again."

"I can't do that."

"For my sake, please, just do this for me." She closed her eyes and held out her hands in front of her in a 'stop' motion.

"I would have stopped you from leaving if you had only told me before you packed up and left. You know that, don't you? I would have stopped you."

"But you didn't. And that's the point, isn't it? If you had just said 'stay', I would have dropped everything," Her hand wrapped around the doorknob and prepared to turn. "Just go."

"I do-"

"I don't want to hear it!"

"Peyt-"

"No. No, don't say anything!"

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do what she asked and just walk out, because I knew that if I did I would probably never see her again for the rest of my life. And even if she wanted to leave things unresolved between us, I would not just walk away and be left to wonder what could have been. If she died tomorrow, or I died, I wouldn't risk the chance of her not knowing. Maybe it was selfish of me, considering the obvious pain I was putting her through. But I couldn't just leave.

I found myself walking towards her amongst her constant refrain of 'No!' and I took her by the shoulders. My touch sent a shock through her body and the eyes that she had once again shut snapped open again.

"Peyton." Her words died on her lips, almost against her will. I met her stormy eyes and kept my hands gripped around her smooth shoulders. She didn't move. "I do love you. I always, always have."

"Just go." Peyton's voice was a croak and she seemed to shrink against the wall.

"I'm still in love with you."

"Just go." She pleaded weakly.

"Brooke never meant more to me than you do."

"Just GO!"

"I can't," I whispered brokenly. "I can't go. Not now. I can't live without you in my life, Peyton. I thought you moved on…and I made myself believe that I moved on, too. But please, know that I'm not lying to you when I say that you were never my second choice, you were never forgotten. Every day I fought to be with Brooke, I wanted to be with you."

"Bull shit. If you didn't forget about me, why didn't you just come to me?" Peyton was trying to keep a lid on her emotions, but she was fighting a losing battle. "If you did want me, and not Brooke, why did you just walk away from me and straight into her arms? When she gave you plenty of opportunity to walk away… when you two weren't even together, you still turned to her. There was a window of opportunity when both of us were single, and it wouldn't have ruined anything if we were together. Remember that window? You did forget about me. Don't even try to justify otherwise."

"I didn't want to ruin things. I didn't want to hurt Brooke-"

"Remember when the summer began last year? When Brooke left town and thought you were still in love with me, and Jake left and all that was left was us two? Do you remember what you told me when you walked through my door, that first day of summer?" The resolve to not cry cracked and tears slowly slid down Peyton's face, smudging her eye make-up and gliding across her lips. "You told me you loved her. You told me you loved her when I had been foolishly thinking that maybe, just maybe, you really did still care about me. I don't think you remember that moment, or maybe you didn't think it was significant. But it was, you selfish jerk! That was the moment you crushed my heart again. But this time, it wasn't because you were already with Brooke. This time, you just chose her, hands down, for no reason but the fact that you loved her and not me. Can you explain that?"

"I'm sorry," I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to make her stop crying. "I've made mistakes-"

"'I told her I love her, Peyton. I still love her.' That one sentence choked up any hope that hadn't already been beaten down. People keep running to me with their romantic problems, and yes I want to help, but do you even know how Goddamn hard it is to smile and dish out advice to the man I want to be with on how to land my best friend? Do you know what it's like to encourage your best friend, and reassure her that her boyfriend doesn't love you, when it's slowly killing you to say each word? I thought nothing could hurt me, at least not from you. But that one sentence just proved to me that there really would never be a you and me again. Because you chose her." Peyton wrung her hands and brought them to her face, savagely trying to rub the tears away.

I took her hand. "And you just chose Jake. I was wrong. I thought I could make things work with Brooke. I believed I loved her, because that was the easier path. The path that had been mapped out for me. If I had known that you loved me-"

"I've always loved you! I've been suppressing it for long enough, and you know what? I'm exhausted from this. I'm tired of you, and of this drama, this pain. You can't just walk in here and destroy the life I've tried to reconstruct for myself."

"Are you happy here?"

"Yes." Peyton said, meeting my eyes again, not caring anymore that they were red and surrounded by messy black mascara. "So just get out and don't ever come here again. I don't want to see you."

"You don't mean that."

"Lucas, you have Brooke. You don't deserve her after everything you've just told me, but you have her because for the better part of this year you've been running after her, promising that your feelings were true this time around. You told her you wouldn't hurt her again, you told her you didn't feel for me any more. You've been lying to everyone lately, and I don't want to see you any more!"

"You're right. I have been lying. But I'm done with that now." I touched her cheek gingerly, hoping that she wouldn't push me away.

"You have to live with your decisions. I'm not going to hurt Brooke again, and I will not let you continue being the selfish jerk you've been lately." Peyton swiped my hand away and made to push me, but my hand was still holding her shoulder, preventing her from moving. I forgot the reasons why, let go of the excuses, and just bent down and pressed my lips against hers swiftly, forcefully, lastingly.

I never wanted to forget her taste. My hand dropped from her shoulder and rested against the wall and my other cupped her face as I poured out everything I should have told her through actions instead of words.

Peyton violently shoved me away, fury in her eyes. "Have you even broken up with her yet?"

"I'm going to-"

She let out an anguished groan and snatched my arm, ripped the door open, and levelly demanded, "Get the fuck out. I can't deal with this, do you even think about your actions any more? We're repeating the same thing, and we can't. It was a mistake, and those are your words."

"My only mistake was going back to Brooke instead of you." I refused to leave. "I was an idiot, and yes I was selfish, and oblivious, and I don't deserve anything. But you do. Maybe we keep making these same mistakes because they aren't mistakes; we keep repeating these actions because in our hearts we do want to be together, screw the rest of the world. And we never let ourselves that maybe it was okay to think like that. It's okay to be happy, and I get that now. I don't care any more about sparing other people's feelings when it's yours that I really care about."

"I'm engaged. Lucas, you had so many chances to tell me-"

"So did you."

"You were in a committed relationship. I wasn't."

"You can have me. Peyton, you can have me now. I want you, and only you and I swear to God, if you want me to promise that I really do love you, I'll propose here and now. I'll marry you. No one else matters to me." I was begging now, but my dignity always did seem to fade when I was talking about love.

Peyton released the doorknob and fell to her knees. She buried herself in her arms again and I could tell that she was falling apart at the seams. Her shoulder shook with sobs and when she looked back at me, she looked defeated. "I still love you. I'm still desperately in love with you. I don't want to marry Jake, I don't want you to be with Brooke, I don't want to pretend any more, and I don't want to make you leave. And that makes me just as selfish as you are, and I hate it and love it at the same time. Even now, even with this damn ring on my finger, I still want to run away with you and never let you go. Does that make me a horrible person? Because you were right, this isn't fair to Jake, and God, I don't know what to do anymore."

"Run away with me." I leaned my forehead against hers as I crouched to be level with her. "Be with me. For real."

She laughed a short laugh and kissed me fiercely, wrapping her arms around my neck as she did so. "Take me away, Luke."

And for the first time in our history, Brooke and Jake were really forgotten.

* * *

I'm not going to say it was easy, because it was far from it. When Jake came home ten minutes after Peyton tried to kick me out of her life, he looked completely in shock that I was there. From the way he was looking at Peyton with those part accusing, part pleading eyes, I knew that he knew. 

She took his hand, and for the first time, we weren't afraid to do the wrong thing. The right thing would have been to honour our commitments, for her to stay with Jake as she had previously promised. But she didn't, and I silently reassured her that it was okay.

Jake was crushed. He had carefully asked Peyton when she arrived in Savannah again if she was sure about being with him, and she had told him that there was no doubt in her mind. He had every right to be upset, and I had never seen him angrier. He didn't yell, but I think it would have made it easier for Peyton if he did. He only looked at her with hurt, this look of betrayal as if she had just ripped out his soul and suffocated it.

He turned to me next, and I felt ashamed as he met my eyes. I was one of his best friends, and I could finally understand to some degree how hard it was for Peyton to face Brooke after she realized her feelings for mer.

There were a few arguments, some half hearted explanations, and very sorrowful apologies. But they weren't enough. They couldn't repair the damage down to Jake, and Peyton knew that she would never be able to see him again after this day because he wouldn't want to face her any more. The realization brought more tears to her eyes, and her crying made Jake cry, and then he just very simply asked her to leave.

It was for the best that she resolved this before their wedding, and before Jenny would be old enough to understand the loss. Jake tried to be gentle, but I knew our friendship was ruined. He looked at Peyton with soft eyes, he was mortally wounded but still his love for her over reached his anger and pain. For me, his face was grim, and he was pissed it took me so long to fight for her. I knew that things would have been so much simpler if I had only woken up sooner.

He knew that you couldn't choose who you loved, and he could accept that. He was a good person, and I appreciated that. I didn't deserve his grace.

- - - -

Telling Brooke came next. When we were done, when two very significant people in both our lives were forcibly taken out forever, I looked to Peyton for guidance. Did she regret it? Was being together worth losing two best friends?

She smiled sadly at me and took my hand, urging me forward. Leaning against me for support, we walked away from the lives we had been living, an unsure future lying ahead.

We didn't know where to go from here; we didn't know how anything was going to be anymore. Everything was different now for better or for worse. Our remaining friends would likely take sides, and I felt a pang with the knowledge that we would both lose more friends. Haley and Nathan were my family, but Mouth would never understand. Our parents, too, would have judgment for us. But we would go through it together. To get what you want, sometimes you have to make many painful sacrifices. But the path to happiness was never easy, and all we could do was hope that true love would heal all our wounds. Because I knew that she was my true love, and whatever would come, we could meet it head on and overcome it.

There wasn't anyone else I wanted to be alongside in this battle. I had never been afraid to fight for what I want, and when everything was stripped away, I realized I could live without some people; I could live with a degree of guilt and with the anger of loved ones… I couldn't live without Peyton Sawyer. And now I had her, honestly, completely, and this time with a blunt, brave disregard for any rules we might be breaking by making it happen.

As Jimi Hollemans once said,

_A Friend's Love says: "If you ever need anything, I'll be there." _

True Love says: "You'll never need anything; I'll be there."

Peyton and I walked away from the destruction of the relationship I had worked so hard all year to make work, and put aside the pain of ending the relationship she had spent so many tears over. We had to do what our hearts dictated, if any lesson could be learned from this it was that ignoring the outcry of you heart will only lead to prolonged pain. Human beings are run by emotions, and one cannot walk away from what it is that makes us so inherently human.

"It's worth it, Lucas," Peyton told me with an unwavering voice. She held on tighter to my hand, and I believed her.

"I'm never going to leave you," I said quietly. It wasn't a promise for promises could be broken. It was simply a fact that no one could change.

Thomas A. Kempis once wrote,

_Love feels no burden,  
thinks nothing of trouble,  
attempts what is above its strength,  
pleads no excuse of impossibility...  
It is therefore able to undertake all things,  
and it completes many things,  
and warrants them to take effect,  
where he who does not love would faint and lie down.  
Love is watchful and sleeping, slumbereth not.  
Though weary, it is not tired;  
though pressed, it is not straightened;  
though alarmed, it is not confounded..._

And that was why I knew with such conviction that everything would be all right, and even if it wouldn't be all right, I would be happy any ways. Friends can only take you so far. My friends are my pillars of support, but without her I would have nothing that would need supporting. I've been called crazy more than a few times in the past few days, but the difference this time around is I really don't give a damn.

I leave you now, not with the promise that love will overcome everything, or even that love can make things okay again. All I can promise you is that love, when it's true, makes everything else seem suddenly unimportant.

We will walk hand in hand down the street with no shame. No embarrassment, no guilt.

As Peyton assured me so confidently, it was all worth it.

* * *

AN: To come, Karen and Larry's POV, another Peyton, likely another Lucas, and some AUs. Review replies in forum. Thanks for the feedback! I figured it was due time for a happy Leyton ending, and a more final one ha ha. 


	5. Deserving Lucas

**Deserving Lucas**

Is it horrible for me to think that she doesn't deserve him in the least?

Maybe lately she's been appreciating him more, but the way she treated him once will never be forgotten from my mind.

All I know is that if I had him, I wouldn't have wasted all that precious time pretending to play the field to make him jealous, or to test him. All I know is that if he said the words he told her to me instead, I would never have put him through all the games she subjected him to.

There were so many guys for her, and she was his only. He had waited for so, so long to be with her, waited so patiently through every mistake and boy toy she went through. And still she didn't trust him enough to embrace his love.

It probably makes me the worst best friend in the planet to be thinking thoughts like this, but I want to slap her when I think of the pain she put him through to satisfy her own insecurities.

I was too caught up with my love for Jake to notice too much the way she hurt him, and when Jake left my side the hour was late and he was already consumed by her. We always used to pick up the pieces that some one else had broken, but we never let each other enjoy the mended solution.

She doesn't deserve him.

But then, neither do I. I didn't fight for him nearly as much as I should have, I moved on far too quickly considering the emotions I once declared for him, and as much as I say that he hasn't been there for me, neither have I been there for him. I don't deserve him as a friend, and I wish he would open his eyes to the fact that he needs someone who would love him properly. She tells me she loves him and I know it's the truth. No one could resist falling for him. But love in itself isn't always enough.

I want to be the one he wants.

I want to be the one he dreams about. He's my fantasy, but to him I'm just so ordinary. To him, I'm just Peyton Sawyer, a good friend and a worthy conversationalist.

To connect with either of them on any level that goes deeper than this shallow unsubstantial way of life that I've been sharing with them would be impossible unless I make a change. I can't love her as much as a sister by choice should if I secretly disapprove of her actions. I can't be the friend he wants me to be if I'm still silently hoping that he'll see me as more, just one day. As long as I am content to wait for his feelings to change, I will never be able to connect again. And so I'm slowly going apathetic, my condition is veering towards desperate. I want him to save me; I want her to sacrifice for me: because I can't bring myself to stop. I can't be the change this formula requires. I'm too selfish in my all consuming desire for him to simply release my feelings, my hopes. My selflessness stretches only to the point where I can let him be, as he is, without influence. I love him enough to stare with open palms. You see, I carried this belief that if I let him go, he would one day come back to me. But I will never accept that he was never mine- because he was, once. And he will be again… or at least I will die hoping.

She doesn't deserve him, but she deserves my silence. I won't disturb the peace they've reached. That would be wrong of me; that would make me even more selfish than I've already let myself become. She's my best friend, and for that I will grant her the gift of backing down.

I want him, I need him, I love him.

But she does too.

Who am I to say who deserves him more?


	6. The Patron Saint Of Liars And Fakes

**The Patron Saint Of Liars And Fakes**

_And when it all goes to hell,  
will you be able to tell  
me you're sorry with a straight face?_

_-Fall Out Boy_

**I lied.**

Every time I told you I didn't feel the way you thought I did about her.

Every time I smiled and said I love you

Every time my lips screamed out your name.

**I lied.**

When you left me for Chris, I thought to myself that you couldn't have chosen a more despicable shit hole to sleep with- Felix was a mistake, Chris was a deliberate insult to everyone you said you cared about. It hurt. Of course it hurt.

Every time your nails dug into my right shoulder blade

Every time your tongue traveled across bare skin

Every time you begged for me to keep going

Maybe I wasn't respecting myself when I took you back. Maybe I was just scared of a life without you. A life without your manipulation, a life free from your suppressing choke hold. I hate you but I'm still intoxicated by you. I couldn't pull myself out and I was left with little else to do but watch as the life I wanted to live passed by through my fantasies and hopes that died so quickly.

Sometimes you meant well. Mostly you acted without thinking. A gentler man would have had enough justification to leave you before any of this got out of hand.

I know what you do. I know Chris lingers on your mind, and I can feel his scent faintly on your clothes.

Some passive logic of yours must have you thinking this is revenge.

But honey, I would never do that to you. I'm faithful and I know of nothing else.

I stayed, I took you back, and I was the one who fucking apologized.

You still left. After everything I did, you still left. I guess I wasn't the one you wanted. Or maybe you just liked me for the chase.

I wasn't broken, no. You can't walk around with the knowledge that you broke me, because I'm not fragile like glass- or at least not when I'm around you. You didn't harden me either. You made my life a living hell, but get off your arrogant pedestal and understand that you didn't change me. My life was not profoundly impacted because of you. You took a hammer and attacked what was left of my already sensitive heart, but I can get over that.

There were so many times I wanted to leave. There were so many days I just wanted to walk away. But I was under you spell. You saved me the trouble of turning away by dropping me first.

Maybe you were still suspicious of my intentions. How you could be, I will never be able to comprehend. No matter how hard things got, I stuck by you. But you left me anyways.

I can understand how Nathan felt like now. It's funny in a completely humorless way that we were both screwed over by the same spiky haired ass hole of a musician.

Nathan tried to comfort me today. We had a very long Chris bashing pity party, but of course Nathan got his girl back, where as I knew you wouldn't be returning. At least Haley did it to move forward with her passion for music, what was your excuse? He was a better lay? You got tired of my trailing after you submitting to your every whim?

I asked Haley what was so damn appealing about Chris, and probably made her pretty uncomfortable since I asked her in front of her husband. She claimed a moment of insanity, and said that his hard unyielding edge was a drug that tempted every girl in the vicinity. In fact, he reminded her slightly of Nathan in his pre-Haley days.

This led me to the disgruntled decision that nice guys do finish last.

I punched a hole through the red-black door today. Painting over it didn't seem strong enough. My mom may be completely furious, but I don't intend to replace it. Like Nathan had the painted wall to represent his anger, I would keep this hole to remind myself just how far I had let myself drop.

How many times did you sleep with him? Once a week? Once a day? I know it's been happening for at least a month. I guess I was foolish to think that time I caught you was a one time thing.

You would lie to my face. Did you get bored with me, Brooke?

How many times do I have to get hurt by you?

No more.

It isn't my choice any more, but if you do ever show your ass in town again, I will never be with you again. I will make the town rain down on you, and I will have no sympathy. There will be no letters this time. You aren't my Pretty Girl any more… but then, were you ever?

Peyton asked me how I was doing the other day. I laughed in her face. She tried to make me feel better, but I don't think I want to feel better. It's what I deserve for believing your lies.

I feel like wallowing, which is precisely how I've been wasting the past two days. I can't believe it's only been two days since you told me it was over. I can't believe it's only been two days since Chris looked at me with that look of supreme smugness on his face.

He's going to dump you. I hope you realize this. He went after Haley, flirted with Peyton, and then turned to you when he was shot down by both of our female friends. Of course, you were the only one who didn't have enough common sense to tell him no. You were the only one who was stupid enough to say yes and actually agree to be with him. It's a mistake, Brooke. I hope you see that. Can't you see how bored he gets? Can't you see what an ass he is? Or do you really like that in a guy? Do you really like having a guy who you have to fight to keep, a guy who will openly check out other girls while with you?

I shouldn't have stayed for so long. I was stupid. I don't even know why the hell I did it. The fact was, I didn't care for you as much as I liked to pretend, and it wasn't like you were the only one who would have me. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Or maybe I did let myself get fully disillusioned by your insanity, by your beauty and façade.

We never had much in common, that's what you said to me before you left. I never really cared about you, that's what you accused. But I was loyal, I was faithful. While I was with you, I pushed all thoughts of any one else out of my mind. I hated myself for hurting you before, and this time around I didn't even allow myself to think of her.

She's holding my hand, now, Brooke. She's sitting beside me, cradling my head, and whispering to me that it'll be okay. She's the one who's here with me, apologizing on your behalf.

I know you're fully aware that you've broken ties with me forever, but realize, too, that you've just killed off all relations you had with all of your friends from Tree Hill. Of all the guys… Seriously, honey. If you had picked anyone else, maybe you could have garnered some sympathy, some understanding, even eventual forgiveness. But you had to choose him- hated vehemently by Nate, Hales, and Peyton already. I hope you realize they are no longer your friends, or our friends, they're mine.

I heard Peyton had a fighting match with you the day you left, and Haley said she'd kick you out if you weren't already moving. I remember how I was told that you looked at Haley with betrayal, expecting her to be on your side. You were best friends, you protested. Pretty girl, Haley was my best friend before she even met you. Haley and I hated people like you back when all this drama hadn't yet unfolded. She would never have chosen you. Despite all that you've recently done for her, I've been friends with her for life. I hadn't known the extent of your ego until you truly thought she'd commit her loyalties to you.

As for Peyton… I'm sorry, this is making me laugh. As for Peyton, your life long best friend, she's still chosen me over you. Hoes over Bros, you cried out. What you did was wrong, and you've spent this past year alienating Peyton- did you really expect her to stick with you?

Yeah, she's with me now. She's the one picking up the pieces you broke. It's not her duty to do so, but she's beside me any ways. You may have succeeded in driving a rift through our instant bond last year, but your hard work wasn't ever lasting. She understands me and cares in a way you never could.

No, I'm not with her. I'm still too upset to do that yet. It wouldn't be fair to her; it would be selfish and manipulative on my part. I'd be using her. And unlike some people, I never do that. With the exception of Rachel, of course, but wow, I did that because you told me to. Nice to see how you've affected my life, huh?

I'd like to say I hate you, but of course my nature won't allow it. I hope he treats you better than he has so many of his past flings. I hope you don't find yourself alone and crying your eyes out if and when he leaves you after leeching off you for a short period. I know you'll regret this; Brooke, I know that you will never find a guy who wanted to take care of you as much as I did. Maybe the true passion wasn't there, but the intent was.

I give up on you. But I guess I have to.

I never should have given you the benefit of the doubt. That night in the car after Peyton nearly got raped? The words on my lips were I didn't think you were such a good person. And you know what? You're not. You can be one, sure, but when it comes down to it, you're a needy, selfish…

No. I won't.

Because inside, it's all lies. I still care about you. I still want to hold you, and call you mine.

"She made a mistake," Peyton breathed against my ear as she held me in her arms. "I know it's way, way too early to say this… but, when you _are_ ready, Lucas, I…"

"I know," I finally smiled genuinely, "And I just want to say, thank you. And I do, too. Always have."

She just held on to my hand; like I said, it wasn't time for anything yet. I cared about her more than you ever could have suspected, but I cared about you more than you ever could have given me credit for. Even now, I couldn't do it. One day, one day down the line… can I see it happening? Of course. It's Peyton we're talking about. This is Peyton Sawyer, the girl I've loved since the day I met her. But the day we end up together won't happen for a long time. The difference this time around is, I know she'll wait for me, and there won't be any games.

"She made a mistake," Peyton repeated.

And I hope I can accept that, and move on.

* * *

AN: In case it wasn't clear, this was an AU in Lucas' POV that takes off after the Fantasy Boy Draft date which resulted in sex between Brooke and Chris Keller. Lucas is bitter, yes, lol. 


	7. Lost, Plastered, & Very, Very, Bitter

Everything she did was for him.

It saddens me sometimes to think about it. We used to be close but all the drama of the past year drove us apart, leaving us barely more then strangers. But I knew what went on in her heart; I noticed the way she used to look at him when she thought no one would notice.

I'm supposed to be Brooke's new best friend and am on her side by default. I see how much this is paining her and I'll always want to defend her, always want to support her. That doesn't mean I don't feel pangs for the one who's been shunned.

They were best friends. He drove them apart, unintentionally. He keeps thinking that things will look up, that they can all be friends. I know he'll always believe it'll turn out. He's always been an optimist, It's something I've always admired, but recently it makes me pity him. They will never all get along and now they're all almost broken up completely.

Brooke did the right thing, the strong thing. She was willing to raise her baby by herself because she knew what the news would do to him, what the responsibilities would do to him. He had lost so much, she knew that if she gave him the baby he would lose his youth and what morsel was left of his spirit. That's why I love her. She's more gracious than anyone else I know.

And he's so unseeing sometimes. He can't see that Brooke did it for him. He's still trying to woo her back. If I was allowed to voice my opinion, I would harshly make him stop. I know that if he tries to win Brooke back, she'll be easily won. That would only end up hurting her in the long run.

He's so unseeing. He does his best to make Brooke see how much he cares, and the girl I'm supposed to be indifferent to makes my heart hurt from looking at her. Peyton tries to help. Most other people would be working to worm themselves into a replacement position at the post break up scene, but Peyton has always wanted his happiness first. She did the same for Brooke, even if Brooke can't see it.

All she wants to do is love him and have him and all he can talk about is how to get her best friend back.

Silly Lucas.

Brooke hurts to see them together; Peyton hurts to be with him. If Lucas doesn't wake up soon, I'm going to have to do it for him.

Brooke can't have him. She can't. He will mean the best, of course, but he'll end up killing her. He doesn't see that he's bad for her. He doesn't see what Brooke sees and tried to ignore. He wasn't truly in love with her. He always believed he was, but his heart and his mind weren't on the same page. They never did think in the same vein or even feel with similarity.

He pushes away the one who does want him, who needs him and who'll do anything for him. The one he's been pushing away because he can't bear to open his eyes or his heart for fear of the truth they'll tell him. He wants to believe he can be with Brooke. If he just stopped for two minutes, he'd see that he's harming all three of them by holding this belief.

I'm supposed to be neutral, without a side. But I can't be. I want Brooke to be happy, and I know she won't be with him. Short term, maybe, but never long term. And above that, I can see that Peyton's better for him.

Things are really getting to me lately. I'm focussing on Lucas's love life because I can't look at my own.

I'm losing him.

Again.

Moments after our vow renewal, and I'm already losing him. I can't breathe just thinking about it. He's bored. I always was so scared he'd get bored but it didn't happen and the moment I let myself think it wouldn't happen, it does. I want to be there for him, but he's blocking me out. He wants a change.

I hate her. I hate her and by association I love Brooke a little less.

I hate her. She's taking him away from me and he's willing to go. Maybe it's a subconscious retribution for my leaving him, maybe it's his broken soul after nearly dying… or maybe he's just not in love with me.

If Lucas can't open his eyes and hold on to Peyton, every relationship in Tree Hill will have been extinguished.

Nathan doesn't love me anymore. It's not just insecurity.

Brooke's pregnant and leaning on me but God, I can't help anyone.

I've lost Luke to his girlfriends and he won't even pick the right one, for Christ's sake.

What's the point?

What's the point of making promises? Of hoping and dreaming and saying I love you?

Everything will go down the drain and leave you with no one and nothing, not even yourself.

Everyone is so blind. I'd do anything for Nathan to open his eyes and look at me the way he used to. I'd do anything to have gone another route to the airport because, selfishly, I'd rather have Nathan completely in love with me than Cooper and Rachel alive and ripping him from me.

They're like puppets.

Lucas and Peyton, I mean.

They both do what they think is right.

It's pathetic. They're not happy this way.

Peyton needs to be impolite and tell him- like I've done with that bitch.

Lucas needs to be less of a gentleman and be with her. If any Scott brother should have chilvary, it should be Nate. Lucas can be the selfish one, just let my husband love me again.

I'm not drunk.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I hate her.

I hate Peyton and Rachel and Brooke.

I hate Lucas and Nathan.

I hate how nobody is willing to be my wall. Love fails. Maybe I was their beacon of hope that love succeeds, but my love has failed. And Lucas always represented love in my mind but he's failing too.

I hate them all.

"Haley?"

"Peyton loves you, you idiot! Peyton loves you and Nathan doesn't love me and if one of us doesn't embrace the love we're all going to end up killing ourselves." I'm not drunk. I don't get drunk. I'm Haley frickin James Scott! "I'm not going to be a Scott for much longer. He hates me. She loves you, you idiot!" Why am I seeing Lucas in my hazy vision? I wonder if I passed out again. Maybe he's my conscience. That'd be rich.

Lucas stared at me in complete bewilderment.

"LOVE is a lie. He hates me. You won't see it. None of you know anything, do you? We go day by day being selfless and giving and all that crap. I'm sick of it. Sick. Of. It." It's not him anyways. It's safe.

"Haley, what the hell have you been doing?"

"He doesn't love me, Lucas. Do me a favour and actually tell Peyton you love her already. Seriously. Me and Nathan have enough drama as it is. He's leaving me for her." Oh, who cares if it's safe? I've lost. He's lost. We're all lost.

"Hales- calm down…"

"I am calm. He doesn't love me." It came out as a whimper. Lucas started towards me but I hit the ground before he could make it.

Blackness. Blackness. Blackness. Just like love.

We're all fucked up.

We're all gonna die alone.

It's not supposed to be like this…

This isn't happy. This isn't forever. This doesn't give me warm fuzzies.

But things are fading. I'm going to lose the ability to think before much longer. And I won't give a damn what repercussions come from my outburst. Maybe Nathan will wake up and love me again and realize that humping that whore isn't worth losing me. To hell with what will happen with Lucas and Peyton. To hell with this stupid, stupid world.

"Love sucks." I gasped out dully. I'm on the floor. Good-bye, tears. It's time to forget.

"Haley, come on!" Lucas called out.

Too late.

Drunk for the first time equates to no coming on for me.

Ha ha, world. You can screw us all over. I'm not sticking around to stew.

"Haley?" Oh, that's Nathan.

"No love." I shout madly.

"Haley..." Still Nathan. All soft and compassionate now.

"Oh, fuck, Haley!" Peyton.

"Was what she said true?" Lucas.

No more explanations. No more crying. No more consciousness.

And blackness.

Lost.

Take that.

I'm out for real now. On the floor, out cold. Barely breathing. Can I be thinking if I'm out cold?

Hmmm.

I guess n-...

* * *

AN: Totally random, I know. But the new season is here and it's ripping me up the way they're teasing us with Leyton and threatening to break up Naley and basically making me incredibly pissed off because we all know it'll take ages and ages for any happy Leyton and Naley and I can't stand another season of feeling freakishly anxious for the characters.

I have a proper Leyton in the works. I have No idea how long it'll take to come up.

This was quite possibly the most What the Fuck? thing I've ever written.

Thanks for the reviews, you guys rock. And now I'm leaving, hopefully I'll resurface soon


	8. Bedroom Talk

AN: This is fluff and has very little plot. But I felt like writing a lighter one. I still have this one I've been working on for months but it's just staring at me uselessly. I hope to have it up eventually. BTW, I'm quite glad I was wrong about the Leyton and Naley. I'm loving Nathan right now though I'm still scared for their future and the show's giving us quite a lot of nice Leyton currently. Go OTH. Thanks for the reviews.

* * *

**Bedroom Talk of the Most Sophisticated Nature**

"Can we just get this over with and move in with each other already?" Peyton asked the boy beside her. She was lying huddled against him in his bed and although this was the stuff of fantasies, her being in boxers and a ratty and somewhat translucent t-shirt and him in about the same, they were strictly friends. Or so they so cutely believed.

"You camped out just fine by yourself for a full four nights in a row. This was supposed to be a movie night, not a relapse into fear." Lucas pointed out as he reached over her ethereally thin body to capture a handful of chips.

"Oh, so I stay with you for a few nights and you're already sick of me." She stuck out her jaw in mock anger and threw a chip in his face. "Here I was thinking my friend was such a gentleman but you're already annoyed. It hurts, Lucas. Deep down."

"You were really scared before, and justifiably so. But Derek's right. I was coddling you. And you're way too strong for me to coddle. You don't need me to protect you. You're fine. Besides, did you see my stellar protecting? I got knocked out almost instantly and we would've both been screwed without your real brother."

"He who doesn't want to be in my life. You know, after all the ahhh and oooh and pain in my life, you'd think I'd get brownie points for having any independence at all. Besides, I like your house. It's so much less empty than mine. People actually live here. And your window's all shiny and unbroken." She grinned.

"Admit it. You just don't want to lose the privilege of Lucas bed cuddling."

"You are a very comfortable pillow, I'll admit that. Your bed is huge. Which brings to mind creepy ass images as to what other non-sleeping activities you've done in it."

"Are you thinking about me in your sexual fantasies, Peyton Sawyer?"

"You shameless evil ass. I'm the damsel who's just been nearly killed and you're talking all perversely. Shame on you. Shame."

"And look who's avoiding answering the question."

"Okay. Truthfully? I'd love to have a Scott family foursome."

"Mmm, yes. I always knew you had a spark for Haley."

"What can I say? She's hot. Your brother's lucky."

"This conversation so turned completely sick and awkward in no time at all." Lucas laughed.

Peyton sobered up to say, "This is going to sound really selfish… but a small part of me is glad you and Brooke broke up. I mean, I hate how much it hurt you, but I'm thankful for how it brought us together."

"I'm sure the arrival of your psycho stalker and the whole bullet to the leg and wedding fiasco were the elements that brought us together, not a stupid break up. But I'm glad too." He nodded.

"The tragically angsty artist and basketball player are just naturally drawn to each other when the world turns shitty, I guess."

"If a brother and a best friend couldn't kill our friendship, nothing can."

"So. Back to that foursome idea-" Peyton smirked.

"You realize that's only good for you right? Haley's my sister and has been long before she got married to the man who's my brother. I'd be doing my brother and sister." His face scrunched up in disgust.

"Okay. What's your ideal?"

"The devil in the form of a hot naked chick with a basketball pretty much encapsulated the deepest desires I've ever had."

"Rachel? Really?"

"You want to sleep with Haley, let me remind you. But I think a Gigi-Mouth-Rachel would hit the spot."

"Points for creativity." Peyton said, impressed.

"We have a really twisted sense of humour. You do realize that, don't you?"

"Some say twisted. I say enriched."

"You should move in. I'll never get to sleep for the rest of my life, but it beats worrying the crap of myself about you when I'm not with you."

"You've been amazing, Luke, in all seriousness. I owe you my life like ten times over."

"And yet you choose to repay me by suggesting incestuous foreplay."

"You know, Nathan was my first time. I'll assume Brooke was yours. So that pretty much means we've had limited experience. I mean less then 4 partners for an eighteen year old is really tame. Half the basketball and cheerleading squad have that amount per week."

"Why are you so fixated on the subject of sex?"

"Because I'm a horny eighteen year old girl who hasn't had any in ages?"

"Thanks for the information."

"Hey, I don't Brooke myself-"

"We really should stop referring to it as Brooking, you know."

Peyton snorted with laughter. "God bless Rachel, hey?"

Luke watched her laugh and felt a glow of satisfaction. You know you're delusional when you're deliriously happy doing nothing but talking about sick, random crap in your bedroom when there's nothing sexual at all happening.

"You need to draw something positive. The whole darkness thing is very cool, but you need to broaden."

"Hey. I did say people come back."

"You were right."

"Maybe."

"Do you miss him?"

"Why must you turn serious?"

"I'm me."

"Not as much as I'd have thought. Do you miss her?"

"Not at all."

He smiled.

She smiled.

"Don't ever leave, okay Luke? I don't want to risk the chance of you not returning."

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"I tend to break promises. But I won't break this one."

"Okay."

"And do you swear to not let annoying half brothers ruin our friendship this time around?"

"Hey, I left Nathan. You're the one who had to get all tight with my friend."

"It always comes back to us, doesn't it?"

"You've been infatuated with me since I almost ran you over."

"Longer, my friend."

"You were kind of creepy, actually."

"Gee, thanks."

"I'm glad you took the time to be creepy."

"Love you too," he stuck out his tongue.

"I do, you know. Love you."

"I know." He smiled and touched her hand.

"You rock my sucky world."

"Do I, now?"

"I think it's safe to say you are almost sexier to me than a box of cereal."

"I try."

"Sexy beast."

He laughed again and leaned back against his pillow. She stared at his relaxed form and marvelled at the two of them. It was so easy this way. Friendship wasn't overrated.

But they both knew that despite their stupid joking comments they cared. Deeply.

"I'm tired, Luke."

"You could go home."

"I like you better than my stupid room."

"Okay. You can stay. But only for tonight."

"You say it like you're doing me some favour."

"Well, I'm afraid you snore."

"You kick!"

"You mumble."

"You hog the blankets."

"You splay out on top of me."

"You cop a feel through the blanket."

"I do not!"

"But you want to."

He grinned and pushed her off the blanket. "Shut up and let me sleep."

"Good night." Peyton said and wrapped herself under the blanket. She laid her hand on his chest and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "And thank you. For acting like it's no big deal. Because it is. And I know I'm using you as a crutch and I shouldn't but you're the best crutch ever. But I won't any more."

"It's okay. I like that you trust me so much."

"I can honestly say I don't trust any one else more than I trust you."

He looked genuinely touched at this comment and slipped his arm around her and hugged her to his chest. He closed his eyes. "Good night."

"Don't try to cop a feel."

_Laughter._

"Okay. I wouldn't mind so much if you did."

_More laughter._

"Does that make me slutty?"

_Explosive laughter._

"Am I annoying?"

_Silence._

"Lucas? I asked you a question and I expect to be answered."

_Silence._

"Lucas? You'll still love me even though I never let you sleep and hog half your bed and can be a needy-whiney-sex obsessed-cow, right?"

"Peyton? I'll always love you."

"Okay. Just checking."

"But you are friggin annoying."

"I do my best."


	9. Someday We Will

**Someday We Will**

She was hiding who she was and no one realized she was gone because no one cared enough to know her beneath the pretty face and the stupid cheers.

He was in the shadows and disregarded because no one could see his potential brimming just under the surface, waiting to cause explosive good to the world in which he lived.

Everyone thought she was a porcelain bitch who had it all and didn't appreciate any of it

Everyone thought he was a pathetic loser who had few friends and clear reasons for his unpopularity

She was untouchable but no one really cared about her, despite the fake respect at face value

He was a leper but those who did know him cared more about him than anyone did in Her life

She was uncomfortable with the way he seemed to know where to look in her to pin point the flashes of realness she occasionally exposed

He was saddened with the way she seemed to take advantage of his feelings

She was suffocating in her world of superficiality

He was pining for a drink of the very superficiality she abhorred

She envied him

He pitied her

She pushed him away

He chose someone new

They broke each other's hearts

They each belonged to someone else

Her boyfriend hated him

Her best friend wanted him

His friends told him it would never happen

His hormones distracted him

He wanted more than sex

She was too scared to give him anything else

He watched her run away

He chose not to wait for her

He chose not to fight for her

She realized her boyfriend didn't understand her half as much as he did

She saw that she was throwing away the first real chance at being with anyone that could be described as her soul mate

She took back her decision

She came back to him

He succumbed to the world of superficiality just as she gathered the courage to walk away from it

He didn't wait

He broke her heart

He didn't understand

She cracked

She tried. She let him in. She was honest.

She got burned.

He was too honourable to be with her

He was too scared of what it could mean

He had never stopped thinking about her

She could never walk away from him

His honour still bounds him

She doesn't care about honour any more

He wants to care

She's breaking inside

He wants to save her

She has no one else

He wants to be all she ever needs

She can't make him see that he's all she's ever wanted

He chooses to ignore the signs

He breaks her again

And again

And again

And again

With each longing gaze he pretends to misinterpret

With each caring word he swallows and unthinks

With each caress he doesn't give her

She's dying inside

He is immobile in bringing her back to life

All he has to do is hold out his hand

But it's glued to his side

He wants her

He needs her

He can't stop thinking about her

He always comes back to her

But somehow he is unable to understand that he loves her

She doesn't know

He's too frightened to show her

They've been through too much

He doesn't want to ruin a friendship

He doesn't want to ruin his honour

He doesn't want to believe that he could have had her months ago but chose against it

He doesn't want to think about the fact that it's his fault he's not with her

He doesn't know what to do

He doesn't know how to think

He doesn't know what to feel

All he can do is look, listen, hope to touch

All he can do is will her to see that he does care

He loves her

He just doesn't realize it

He loves her

He just doesn't know how easy it could be to have her

He loves her

He just doesn't think he deserves her

They walk in circles

They dally around fate, delaying it constantly, delaying their very happiness

They are one step away

But they make excuses to avoid the step

She's dying

And he can't make himself do a thing to stop it

She's dying

And it's his fault

It isn't pleasant

It isn't easy

It isn't simple

But it is real

It always was

Time will not diminish it

If only they could walk one small step

He stares at her

She stares right back

His eyes bring tales of heartache and sorrow

Hers speak of regret and restraint, longing and hope

They will love each other to the end of time

Even if they can't show it

Even if there is always someone standing in the way

Even if they never end up together truly

He owns her heart

And she's held his since the day they first met

No one else mattered back then

And no one else will ever matter

Steps away, inches away

A lifetime of passed moments

A lifetime of lost days, of unspent memories, of unrealized dreams

But they will love each other to the end of time

In the confines of their hearts, in the darkness of their minds, in the thoughts no one can read

They stare at each other

Does he know?

Does she know?

Have they always known?

Time will pass them by. Death will claim them. There will be other loves.

Not like this. Never like this.

She'll marry. He'll cry.

He'll marry. She'll hate his wife.

He will still look at her

She will still feel his eyes

Their love cannot die

No matter how they will it to

No matter how they ignore, deny, falsify it

No matter who they seek as replacements

They will always care

To the very last breath

To the very last pain of regret

To the very last thought, feeling, desire

It will never fade

Photos pass, memories wash away, but the blonde girl he once knew will occupy his thoughts and he'll wonder where she is, how she is.

He'll ask himself why he never went for it; he'll curse himself for never trying

She'll sit at home and close her eyes and his image will come to her as easily as it ever came.

She misses him. She wonders if he's happy. She knows he's no happier than she is.

She'll die. He'll die. A lifetime of longing, a lifetime wasted

But in another life

In another time

In another place where honour and fear and best friends and brothers won't stand in their way

They will be together

Because even death cannot break their love

One lifetime gone. Another awaits.

She'll see him.

He'll see her.

And this time, he'll say I love you

She won't run away

She won't say we can't have it

He won't choose someone else

He won't let her go

She won't be too late

Nothing else will matter

Nothing else ever mattered

In another time

In another world

They will still love as much they always did

And someday, some day however distant, they will find themselves in each other's arms

Someday fate will connect them

Someday, she will be Mrs Lucas Scott

Someday, she won't be dead inside

Someday, he will be the one to save her

They cannot die. They cannot forget. They cannot pretend

And someday, they won't have to.

Forever.

Forever.

Forever.

* * *

**AN:** I know what you're thinking- I actually updated quickly! But since school is horrid and your reviews were so kind, I thought what the hell. And another one will be up by the end of the week- it's a Larry one and it will be short. 


	10. Peace of Mind

AN: Homework procrastination at school led to this and upon reading it over I don't like it very much but I did promise to post up a Larry fic soon, so here it is. If the trailers for next week's one tree hill are of any indication, I'll be inspired to write another soon

**Peace of Mind**

really is strong. That only ever meant that I had to worry about her more than ever. She was always proud and independent, refusing help even if she needed it. She never trusted many people but those she did trust were granted an unsettling amount of influence over her life. Those she trusted could break her. The world had been cruel to her and her life wasn't anywhere near a smooth a ride.

I suppose I didn't make things easier by being away most months of the year. I suppose worrying doesn't make up for leaving your teenage daughter all alone in a house while you're out sailing the world. I didn't help her trust issues; I was barely there for her at all. But I guess I was just scared. The town was too closely tied to my memories of her mother and it hurt to be in Tree Hill without her.

I worried from across the glob incessantly. I was so grateful for Brooke, the sister I always wished Peyton had. But girls can be petty. Rivalries can pop up. Fickleness cropped up even in the tightest of sisterhoods. It's just not safe to have your whole world balanced in one person's hands, despite how much you may trust them.

Nathan came into the picture. I only met him a few times and at first I was pleased that she had lowered her walls for someone new. It didn't take long to see she had done no such thing. Oh, he was polite enough. I knew it was an act, though. The way he carried himself, the way he looked at my daughter, I knew he didn't truly care for her. But neither did she for him. Naturally, I told him not to hurt her. He responded at first with the typical and always annoying reassurances but at my unimpressed stony faced glared he told me with admirable honesty that he didn't think he could do that- not because he simply cared too much about her to do such a thing but because she wasn't able to be hurt. At least not by him. I felt a little bad for the boy at that point. It wasn't him. My daughter was just protecting herself. I worried for the day he would break her heart, knowing he would the moment she gave him the chance. He wasn't a bad guy; he was just too selfish to recognize how fragile she really could be. But then, no one would be able to see her like I do.

I worried onwards. The cheerleading route didn't make her happy and her popularity was only stemming from her dual position as Beautiful, Rich Brooke's best friend and Tree Hill Varsity Super Star Nathan's girlfriend. It pained me to see my deeply thoughtful and independent girl sink into a pool of shallow superficiality, she would break. She would lose herself. She would die.

I worried because so few cared, I worried because she wouldn't be herself, I worried because she was too defensive to take risks. Her world was safe but I knew one little mishap would upset the safety. It wasn't stable, it wasn't happy. I worried.

It's ironic that the only person able to alleviate my fear was the only one of Peyton's acquaintances that has ever tried to do me physical harm. I think that's the reason I stopped worrying, actually.

He came up to me, ready to knock me out with my own rake. He was the only one who cared enough to attempt to whack out a complete stranger on her behalf.

Since then, I saw the way he tried to get into her world.

And I saw the way she let him.

I saw the way he dug past her mask to get to know the real her and didn't recoil when he realized there was darkness, pain, and intensity beyond the thick walls she held up. He didn't give up when she was difficult and didn't look away when she pushed him away or showed him her battle scars. He gave her the security to be different, to take a risk. He showed her that she made a difference to his life and did everything he could to help her.

And he was sincere. He was innocent and good and didn't care about sex so much as he did about intertwining with her soul. The way she finally opened up; the way she took her first few steps in the world of the unknown, the world where you could be stung; the way she smiled genuinely and laughed… My girl was happy. My girl was risking pain but somehow I knew she would not get hurt. He was always there to help, encourage, protect. He did the best for her. And some may say he weakened her because she is no longer the tough girl she was, but now I say she's strong enough to show her vulnerability. He have her the gift of softness and release.

And boys can be fickle, boys can be mean and selfish and stupid. But this one cared. This would stay. This one would protect her.

Because this one saw her the way I did. This one loved her as much as I did.

The day I met Lucas Scott and all the days that followed, I knew that I didn't have to worry about her anymore. She was safe guarded now.

The girl who never wanted a prince had got a knight instead. I hope every father has a Lucas for their daughter because it's the best gift one can have.

I know one day I'll officially give her away down the aisle to him but inside I've given up my worry and my duty to his soft and capable hands long ago. He'll worry enough for us both.


	11. A Fucked up World

**AN: **Some You Give Away. At the 40 min mark I honestly thought this was the best episode ever and it was all going amazingly. And the last 20 mins spawned this. The things I'm feeling after that episode would take too many words to describe. Expect another one based on the same episode probably by this weekend. I may fail my test for school tomorrow but somehow, this silly show has made that seem so irrelevant.

Let's just hope for Luke and Hales and baby Scott and Nate and Peyton and them all... Come on Schwann...

**A Fucked up World**

It was the best night that had ever existed for any one of the young adults involved in the victory of Tree Hill's state championship.

It was the best night that had ever been imagined for the torn cheerleader who finally got to kiss the love of her life who finally, finally realized he loved her too.

It was the best night for the new parents, proud mother and father of a soon to be baby boy.

Except it wasn't. Except it never could be. Except it was the worst possible night that none of them thought possible.

Lucas didn't take his pills.

Nathan chose morals over safety.

Peyton put herself out there one more time.

The moral are punished. The well intentioned are reprimanded. The daring are beat back.

In the time span of twenty minutes the best night of any one of their lives spiralled into the last hour they would smile again.

Was it stupidity that caused Lucas to forsake his medicine although he had a heart condition?

Or was it some divine entity's idea of a cruel amusement that out of every moment he had formerly pushed himself past human limitations, his heart decided to give out at this moment, here, now?

Was it bad luck that made Peyton confess her feelings just when it was too late to enjoy any form of relationship?

Or was it a joke to warn others to act faster, to grasp what one wants the moment one realizes the desire?

Should Nathan have been punished so harshly for allowing his conscience to guide him where his father's had failed? Should Haley have to die because she loved her husband more than herself?

Are all acts of selflessness crushed and mocked in this world where only the immoral, the cold-hearted, the selfish, the vindictive, and the greedy can succeed? Evil men have money and power and connections. They own intimidation and easily toy with the strings of fate.

What gives them that right? Who decided that the cheaters and liars and self servers are the ones who get the control, the happiness, the good fortune?

Bad things happen to good people. It isn't just an old saying made to comfort those who have suffered. It's a cruelty meant to discourage the good hearted and to deaden the spirit of any who still believe that being right, being true, being pure is better than being popular, or prosperous, or even alive.

They chose their principles. They could have lost their lives. When all is said and actions are done and there is nothing left to hold, to think of, to consider, what is worth it?

At the end of the day, what matters more, the fact that Nathan did the right thing or the fact that his wife is dying? Because it's so fucking clear that he would have sacrificed both his legs, all his senses, and every basketball game in existence if it meant his wife could be smiling at him right now. Who the hell cares if some old man is happy or if some guy goes to college. They would still have been living. But she might not be. And it's all his fault.

Peyton cries at a constant vigil by the bed of her new boyfriend and her always lover. His heart stopped, literally, the same night hers did the same emotionally. Except he made hers stop and it was the best thing that could have happened to her. But people always leave and he's leaving, he's unwell, they say he won't make it. They say he will die, they say they're sorry, they say they've done all they can.

A shit load of meaningless words that she wishes they could just shove up their asses. How is it fair that the first time she got to kiss him honestly was the last night he would kiss anyone ever again? How is it fair that the most decent person she's ever met first had his dream taken from him and now his life is ending just because he tried to keep his dream alive for one second longer?

How can it be right? How can this be the world we live in?

Nathan sits. He can't breathe. He can't stand. He can't do anything but cry, cry, cry.

He thinks. He wishes his brain would shut off and things could just stop all together since they already have for him.

He loves her more than anything but because of his love for basketball, she could have gotten herself killed for him. Nothing matters but her. Nothing has ever mattered more to him than her. And suddenly he wishes that he had never played the fucking sport if it meant this was what would happen as a result of it. Suddenly he prays to God in a mad bargain, willing to do anything in the world if He could just, please, possibly, let Haley live.

It's his fault. It's his fault. It's his fault.

Haley? Because he wouldn't lose. Because he had to win. Because it was the right thing.

Lucas? Lucas loved Haley. Haley goes down. Lucas follows. Because Nathan wouldn't lose. Because he had to win. Because it was the right thing.

And holy fuck, Peyton. Peyton who has stopped sleeping. Peyton who hasn't washed her hair in about two weeks. Peyton who sits there, dead to the world.

Her friendship was mended that night. Her friendship and her love life and her family life. Harmony.

Now she sits, her appearance an outward reflection of the person within. Blackness. Only blackness. Her blonde hair reminded her of hope. There was none of that left in her life. He was her hope. He wasn't awake. He wasn't okay. Her hair turned black. There was no hope.

She is gone. She will not speak. She will not eat. She will do nothing but sit in silence and cry and stare into the nothingness of her soul. She loved him. She loved him and she will not, cannot stop and so the love bites at her savagely.

He is dying and Peyton is going with him. She can't live if he's not there with her.

Nathan watches. Nathan sees. Nathan knows. He broke them up once before, kept them apart because he couldn't stand losing. It was Peyton he wanted to keep, like an object, all those months ago. It was the game, it was his conscience, it was the feelings others held towards him that he wanted to keep this time.

Dan watches. Dan sees. One son is dying literally and the other may just as well be. He didn't help when he had the chance. He didn't pay up. He wasn't there. He failed. And so he killed his brother and so he killed his wife's sanity and so he killed one son's life and the other's will to live at all. Murderer. Failure. Satan himself.

Dan weeps. Dan prays. Dan hates himself and can do nothing. Dan sits in a jail cell for murder and hope to slit his wrists and if Lucas doesn't make it, if Haley doesn't make it, he will have no other choice. How can he live with himself? How?

Peyton sits. Peyton stares. Nathan sits. Nathan stares.

They sat in the same waiting room. Side by side that night they sat. They didn't speak. They didn't touch. They sat. They waited.

They heard. They cried.

And now they sit day by day. Haley and Lucas are in the same room. Nathan and Peyton sit side by side, day by day, in between the beds. They stare. They do not speak. They do not touch.

There is no comfort.

There is no joy.

There is no laughter.

Hope is dead.

The ones they love most are dying.

They are dying.

No one can make them eat much. No one can make them leave. No one can do anything but watch as they watch.

They had to hook Peyton up to an IV the other day. She passed out from lack of nutrients in her blood stream. She would not eat. She no longer feels hunger. There is an encompassing numbness, this pain that feels as if someone has lit her on fire but she cannot burn out. It doesn't eat her up, it scalds her in this constant state of fierce, mind aching, body crippling torture but she does not die. There is nothing that can make her full. There is nothing that can make this better. Why should she care about keeping herself healthy when the only thing worth living for is barely living at all?

They had to sedate Nathan the other day. He punched out two doctors and rammed his fist into a wall when they said enough was enough and said he needed rest- that he had to leave. They tried to pry his hands off of hers. They tried to force him out. His hand is broken. His spirit is dead, why does he need his body?

Go home, they say.

Take a bath, they say.

Eat something, they say.

But they won't. They can't.

Two new bodies in the hospital to be cared for. Two new patients, driven to severe illness due to stress alone. They are dying, too. They are heartsick. They are dying from broken hearts and nothing can cure them. Nothing can be well again.

They feel guilty for laughing that night. They look back at those memories and cringe. The best night of their lives, the best moment in time, the moment that would stay with them always and be cherished.

How could they have ever smiled? How could they have believed it was a wonderful day? How could any of it have happened?

How can the world keep spinning? How can people keep laughing? How can the sun keep rising and the stars keep glittering and life just keeps ticking? How is it possible for anything to be so fucking normal when nothing, not ever, not again is at peace, is okay, is normal?

There is no normal. There is no life.

Lucas is dying and Peyton is dead.

Haley is dying and Nathan is dead.

Those who are dying are joined by those who want to die. They are connected, linked, and all their fates rely directly on the lives of each other.

Live. Live, Lucas. Live, Haley. Live, young Scott. For if you die, the world will shatter and life will never go on again.

How is it fair that those who do good are lying lifeless in beds so sterile?

How is it fair that the world runs in such a fashion as to punish the honest and upstanding and to award the dark and inhuman?

How is it possible, how, how is it possible that they could be dying?

Dan failed. Deb failed. Karen failed.

Karen will have no one. No family. No one.

Larry will never see his daughter, his real daughter, again.

Nathan can't breathe.

Peyton won't eat.

He stares at his wife. He stares and he prays and he begs her every day to live.

He threatened the doctors. He got the very best ones to fly in. He cried and he bribed and he tried.

Now he ignores them all.

She stares at her love. She stares and she prays and she begs him everyday to live.

She screamed when they told her what had happened. She cursed and she insulted and she demanded and she sobbed when they told her she couldn't go in because she wasn't family. He was more a part of her than her fucking arm was.

He speaks to no one. She speaks to no one. If the doctors have no good news, they are not heard. If the friends try to bring comfort or offer anything at all, they are not heard.

Alone in their misery.

Side by side they sit. They do not look at each other. They do not speak. They sit. They pray. They stare.

The only ones they speak to are their loves. Fuck the world.

Fuck morals and conscience and right and wrong.

Love will kill them because love was what made their life worth living.

Bad people get ahead. The world punishes the good.

They weep. They stare. They can do nothing.

Love can heal. Love can save. Love can survive anything.

But they can't. Not Nathan, not Peyton. If he dies, if she dies, they die with them.

They died on the best day of their lives.

There is nothing.

There will never be anything again.

Bad timing? A jilted world? An unjust God?

No one can answer. No one can tell them why.

It's his fault.

Blame.

Regret.

All encompassing pain.

How can it hurt this much?

How can this be happening?

How can anything go on like it once did?

_I Love You _was a death sentence.

They stare. They do not speak. They do not eat. They will not leave.

They love. They will always love.

They will not survive.


	12. Starting Over Again

**Starting Over Again**

Sometimes it's just best for every single person around if a clean slate could be instated. Cut away all the infantile crap and just do what makes you happy for once in your paradoxically selflessly self-centred life. You do things for other people maybe to make them happy- their happiness leads to your happiness, so pretty much every good deed you do is simmering with self-serving motives. It's pointless to even deny it. People want to be happy. They utilize every method they know. Sad thing is, when they think someone else wants the same thing they do, they would sooner give it up themselves than to let another feel that happiness. This bitterness stems from the hidden knowledge that they aren't personally happy; the method has failed them. It looks to be successful for the other person. Misery loves company.

Take a step back. Brooke wasn't happy with Lucas. Every time he so much as smiled at Peyton, she would flash with a spasm of insecure jealousy. That wasn't happiness. She wanted it to be, but it wasn't. Lucas wanted it to be, but it wasn't. She didn't want Lucas to be hers because he would bring her happiness; she wanted him so he wouldn't be Peyton's. Of course, being best friends and all, Brooke didn't actually want Peyton to be unhappy. There just happens to be a human flaw in the tragic cropping of possessiveness that seems ever so present in teenaged girls. It would just be best to cut away the past and start fresh. Being pissed and possessive and scathing did nothing for any one's elation levels. It's stupid to be angry at anyone, really, if that anger isn't being channelled towards forwarding contentment.

So they decided it was about time to just cut away the stupid melodrama for once. It was a simple concept to go after what you want. Maybe it was worth the exertion?

"Let's pretend like none of this happened. Let's pretend that I wasn't an idiot who pushed you away when we first knew each other. Let's pretend I wasn't too late. Let's pretend the whole triangle didn't get a chance to start."

"Let's pretend I didn't get between a life long friendship. Let's pretend I didn't stick my head in my ass and actually misconstrue who I wanted to be with. Let's pretend I pushed Brooke away instead of hurting her by making her my second choice. Let's pretend you weren't my brother's girlfriend. Let's pretend all the crap that's happened didn't happen."

When all the fat was cut away, when all the dramatics were killed and one just looked at the barest of facts, the situation was not complex. He was not Brooke's boy anymore and she no longer wanted him to be. There was no foul. So instead of allowing a dozen excuses to spring up in order to prevent oneself from experiencing some happiness, let's just go back to basics. Like students are taught early on, keep it simple, stupid.

"Hi. I'm Peyton." The girl held out her hand.

"Lucas."

"I'm single."

"Me too."

"All right then."

He smiled. She smiled.

He leaned in. She didn't turn away.

He kissed her. She didn't turn away.

"I've wanted this for so long."

"And now we can have it."

"Here? Everything. Us. This?" He put her hand over her heart. She didn't turn away.

"This is that. Us. This. I'm not going to leave this time. God, Luke, I love you more than you can imagine." He smiled warmly and kissed her again.

"History fixing itself. You were always the girl for me, you know that, right?"

"Now we can have it." Peyton murmured, surprised even now at the reality of the sheer rightness of the situation.

Simplicity cures so many issues. He loves her and she loves him and that's all that matters when it comes down to it. They have finally realized it and the world has a few years left before ending, miraculously.

"Don't you wish I could have just done all that when it happened the first time?"

"No. I'm glad you didn't, not in your ex-boyfriend's house during a rabid party. Not when you only wanted sex. Not when you didn't trust me yet, when we hadn't been through all this together. Maybe your saying no prolonged everything, but it makes it that much better now for having made us wait so long. It wouldn't have been the same if you had said yes that night. It wouldn't have been nearly as good."

"Are you sure you want me, after all this?"

"More sure now than I ever was of anything before."

"You said that about Brooke, I'm sure."

"Peyton, you're not Brooke. And she's not you." He smiled. "And this isn't the same. I was a dolt before. But I know what I want now. It only took a couple of near death experiences and a few real deaths to make me see it, but I know. It's you."

After a pause, he continued lightly, "And I promise you, I'm not leaving. I'm not one of those people. And I don't make promises I can't keep."

"You're doing it again, Luke. Saving me."

"I couldn't stand to let anyone else do the saving." Lucas answered.

There were no Nathan's or Brooke's this time. There were no Anna's or Pete's as decoy. There were no more Jake's to hide behind. There was Peyton and there was Lucas and for the first time ever, they were the only ones that mattered and they were at the exact same point in realizing their feelings for each other. There were no commitment issues or confused hormones. Sometimes you really don't know what you want, not when you're seventeen. But sometimes, you can be more adult than adults are.

Nathan and Haley proved the world wrong and showed that opposites attract and demonstrated that no matter what the world threw at them, they could make it work. Lucas and Peyton showed that as soul mates, no matter how determined they were to make it _not _work, fate would find a way to get them together despite their misguided protestations.

"You know what we need now?"

"What's that?"

"A catchphrase. Nathan and Haley have 'always and forever'…"

"Well, fitting for us would be something like 'kicking and screaming' or 'together as long as the current crisis holds out'."

"Thanks for the optimism."

"I was kidding. Come on. This time isn't like those other times."

"How can you know that?"

"Because we're not hiding anymore."

What if he fell out of love? What if someone better came along? What if they were too similar? What if they realized they were better as friends?

"Besides. I have to stick around. Who knows how maimed you'll be once I'm not around to rescue you." He smirked.

"Funny how it was only after I met you that I really found myself needing to be saved. Maybe you attract trouble in my life, which is why you're around to fix them." Peyton joked.

"You weren't you when I met you. You were this mask of a girl too scared to let anyone in."

"And you were an outcast who bordered on stalking."

"I guess we did have a positive influence on each other."

"I guess."

"Let's hope our combined broody angst doesn't make the universe implode."

"Just… don't leave, okay?"

"Peyton. I won't. This is a long time coming and I intend to be a very sickeningly doting new boyfriend."

"Well. If nothing else is a guarantee, at least we'll know that in twenty years we will at least no longer be dancing in the love triangle from hell."

"Twenty years from now, all I can imagine my life to be is by your side."

"Stop being so sweet."

"Why?"

"It scares the pessimistic apocalypse-predicting part of me."

He kissed the side of her head. "You don't have to be scared anymore."

And so the saga was over. The guy got the girl. The right girl. After several failed attempts.

Oh, please let the saga be over.

Neither of them could take it if it wasn't. Not his weak heart or her heavily bandaged ones. Not his hard core bond with her or her abandonment issues. No, if the saga didn't end, if they didn't last as a couple- they wouldn't last individually. Fate would make sure of that.

Because twenty years from now, they would still be side by side. Together or wanting to be, they will not die.

It's never been easy and it likely never will be. But despite all the shit they've been through to get to this point, they've still made their way here at last. Despite all the trouble they've had to push through, all the adversity they've had to overcome, not once did they think it wasn't worth it. And that right there is why they will last.

She slipped her hand in his. "And now we can have it."


	13. This is No Fairy Tale

**AN:** The site wasn't letting me upload this, but good old google helped me find a way around the bug, so here it is. Sorry for the delay, I have a short ficlet that will be up instantly after I put this up to compensate for the long ass delay. Thank you so much for sticking with the story, I really do appreciate the reviews.

**

* * *

**

**This is No Fairy Tale & There Are No Happily Ever Afters**

_There was a girl I once knew. I can't say very much about her; it isn't because I have nothing in me to say- quite the opposite, actually. I will not go into details about the woman she was; not because I can't remember, but because I have too much to say. I fear that if I were to begin describing everything there is to describe, I would never be able to stop. And this girl, you see, is indescribable. She didn't just change my life what seems like a lifetime ago, she made my life what it is today. Without her, I have no idea how things would have turned out. And I wish you could all know her, I wish I could do her character justice. But the fact of the matter is there is no one who can. If you don't know her, you will never be able to understand her. _

_So you may be wondering, why is this ridiculous person going on a tangent about a girl he admits he cannot properly describe? I'm doing this not because I think you'll all be terribly drawn into my story or because there is no other story I can tell. I have plenty in me to say and that isn't changing soon. But this was a story that I've been wanting to tell for so long- and at last the rationalities talking me out of telling it have faded to oblivion and all that is left is the emotion- left to flow from the dredges of memory through the tips of my fingers. And maybe I hope that in the (hopefully) countless eyes that pass over my words now, one of the pairs of eyes will belong to the girl I speak of. I know that will never happen and this is all just wishful thinking on my part, but what the hell, my soul was bore open long ago for this girl and I find I can't turn back anymore. I hope she will find this book and recognize herself in it and remember the things I'll wash over. But even I know this isn't the type of book she'd ever be caught dead reading. _

_I haven't seen this girl in two years. There was no proper goodbye. We didn't separate due to college or the moving of a family. One day I woke up and she was gone. One drawing was left on my doorstep and that's the only token she spared for me. I can't say it didn't hurt and I won't say I haven't looked for her. She doesn't want to be found. And Lord help me, but I don't know why. _

_This is my third book. I refrained from going on long winded speeches about love until now. If this is sounding all too melodramatic for you, I won't be affronted if you turn back now and throw this volume away. I'm sorry, reader, but this work isn't for you. It's for me this time. And it'll always be for her. _

God, my publisher wanted to cut off my head when he first read the manuscript. He told me bluntly that it was too full of teen angst. But I hadn't made up one word. The work was sincere and I couldn't help it anymore. It had to be written.

The first book was one I started back in high school. I had never let her read it, because she had been in that one too. That book has yet to be published. I couldn't bear to send it in to anyone to read in danger of them actually liking it and giving me the green light. That book spoke of hope and of happier days. It took place back before she left, back before she walked out on me and in doing so took with her the last bit of optimism I had.

I suppose I should be giving you some back story about me and about this. I suppose I should fill in the blanks the excerpt of my book leaves. I haven't found time to explain this to any one. I haven't talked about it; I haven't properly dealt with it.

To be honest, I'm still pissed. It's been two years and I'm still pissed.

She was the one that said people always leave. And then she herself left. She isn't coming back. This at least is something I have come to terms with.

I still remember what we did the night before she left. It wasn't anything all that memorable. We played the _guess the artist_ music game we made up on iTunes. I made her dinner. She hugged me goodbye. And I haven't seen her since.

I forget what it's like to kiss her. In our time together, we spent so much energy attempting to pretend like we never noticed the chemistry. We danced around the unsaid words, always waiting for the right time. She wasn't just a friend and I'm still completely in love with her. It's killing me still because I never told her. I know she felt the same. We always thought we'd have more time.

The words were coming soon. Maybe she sensed it. I was almost ready to say it at last, to end the ridiculous game we were playing. Maybe she got scared.

The drawing she left was one of us. Her and me. Smiling. Together. Holding hands. It was titled _someday _and had the caption _when all your dreams come true. _

I had no contact number, no address, no I Love You.

And the only other person who had received anything near a goodbye was Nathan. She had told him to keep his shit together and to watch out for all of us. Apparently she thought he was the strongest of us all.

Brooke was hurt. She was still pissed at her for whatever reason but it was clear she still wanted their friendship to be fixed someday.

I kept thinking it was a joke. That she'd spring up one day soon and laugh at us all. But her clothes were gone, her walls bare. She packed up and left and I can't wait for her any more.

I almost got back together with Brooke. She's the one who I want to be with but know I can't. We would be so brilliant together…except we wouldn't be. We never did fit but she's the perfect Right Now relationship that I almost let myself forget that we tried and tried and failed. My self control returned eventually and I stopped myself.

I'm being scatter brained. That's not my fault.

God, why do I still miss her after two fucking years?

_She's the one I don't think I'll ever get over. I waited for the right moment to tell her the things I knew I would tell her someday… but the time never came. And so I've come to realize that waiting for the opportune moment is completely cowardly. There is no perfect time to do anything. And so I missed out. _

_This isn't the worst thing to happen to me. My life's been rather shitty, to be honest. But this is the one thing that I feel could have been controlled, could have been different. This was the one conscious mistake that's impacted my life for the worse. I want to blame her, resent her. But like all of you, I can't do that because I don't understand her. I still have this inane hope she'll walk up to me on the street again, or sit down next to me when I'm having coffee… I still almost believe she'll smirk at me as I'm playing basketball again. Just like old times. Just like she's never left. But she did. Maybe this book is my last ditch attempt to get over her. To move on with my life. As if such a thing were possible. _

_I can't call her the one that got away. She is, in a sense, but that term doesn't fit properly. I had her, I lost her, and she ran away from me without warning. I lost a best friend and I lost the girl I honestly thought I would marry someday. Now? Without her? My future is unsteady. Confusing. Utterly uncertain. I no longer know what I want. _

_My story started with this girl. Every good and bad thing that's happened to me started with her. I fell for her the moment I saw her and ever since that moment, nothing's ever been the same. All I can do now is hope that my story will end with my girl as well. _

_Come back to me, stay away, live your own life, do whatever. Forget about me, laugh at me, resent me, mock me. Wherever you are, I hope you're well. Happy. Even if you're with someone else. Even if you do never think of me as I think of you. _

_I can't promise I'll always be here. I can't promise I'll be there to save you still. I always did save you- because someone had to- but you left. You proved your theory right. And there's no one left to save, is there? I guess you had to leave to figure out how to save yourself- I just wish you hadn't needed to kill me to do it. _

_This is all I have to say. I suppose it's time to stop calling her my girl. She isn't. _

_One day I'll belong to someone else. And because this is my life, that will be the day she shows up. I can't stop thinking about her and the day I do is the day she'll come back to me. So, readers of mine, all I have to say to you is this: don't be idiotic. If you care, tell them. If you want them, take them. And if you're scared, for God's sake, don't run away. There might not be anything for you to run back to. _

I closed the book, my mind still absorbing the final page as I tried very hard not to react. I took a deep breath and wished desperately that I didn't know him as well as I did, that my curiosity wasn't as deep as it was.

God, most people use pseudonyms. Why couldn't he?

How could I not pick up a book with his name engraved on the cover?

I own both his previous books.

I have newspaper clippings of his book reviews.

I've actually shown up to book signings.

Goddamn him.

Yeah, I left. Yeah, I ran away. I was scared. I was stifled and he was so close and we were inches away from having everything I had ever wanted. I knew I would ruin it. I knew if I had what I wanted, it would disappoint. And if it disappointed, I could never again have that perfect chance to have it all again. So I opted to run. If I ran, I could save the memory of almost having my bliss without the reality of having my bliss corrupted. I could pretend that we would have been happy. I prevented myself from heartbreak.

Selfish, yes it was.

But I had to run away again. And I couldn't just do it emotionally speaking- I tried that the first time he told me he wanted 'us'. It didn't work- I ran back to him. If I wanted to protect myself, I had to physically leave.

It wasn't just him. I left because Haley had Nathan and Brooke didn't want me. I left because I ruin everything I touch. I left because I was scared I'd ruin him, too.

People die when they're around me. People literally die. And I don't care if this is me being overdramatic but my life is so damn full of crap I wouldn't risk anything happening to what was left of my loved ones. No. The world could win. I would leave so if I had to suffer, at least they wouldn't be dragged down with me.

But then he had to write that stupid book.

I loved his first books. Adored them. Just reading them made me feel closer to him again- as if he were next to me, in the very room I was in. I could hear him speak the words. It was so very much _him_. Nothing commercial or fake about it.

That was why I refused to buy his newest publication. I refused. I was becoming attached to him and he wasn't even around me to be attached to. It was ridiculous. So I made myself put the book down, unread, the first day I saw it.

Unfortunately for me, a year and a half later one those people who call me 'friend' gave me the book as a present. It was second hand and held no significance to said person. I stopped being close to people since Tree Hill. This was just a person who didn't really know me, a person like the several others I knew who I spent time with to quell the lonely voice in my head. Apparently, they had noticed I was a fan of his work by my heavily bookmarked copies of his books I had in my apartment. They found it odd how my collection wasn't complete.

I didn't read it. I didn't want to risk reading something so intimately him that I would once more feel the terrible constriction in my chest I still get every now and then when I dwell too long.

I put it away. I sold it, actually.

But the book kept popping up in my line of vision. Annoyingly enough, it had garnered a few critical praises and had "mass appeal". It was on the best sellers list.

Then four years after the publication date passed and the copies were finally dwindling. Still, I found a copy lying there under tiers of old books as I searched through a used bookstore one day. It beckoned to me and despite myself, my curiosity took over.

I read one line. And I knew it was about me. I almost fell over. Call me silly, but I hadn't been expecting this topic. I fell into the book, absorbed utterly. Tucking myself into a corner, I read through the book cover to cover, almost scared of what I would find.

_I can't call her the love of my life. Hell, I'm in my twenties- I know full well how crazy it'd sound to call her that term. Besides, it's not as if we were actually ever together. We weren't. Never had the chance. Fate was such a tease. Something, someone, some circumstance always got in the way. We almost had it all. Everybody knows almost doesn't count, though, don't they? _

_Memories are all we have to tide ourselves over with when all is coming to a close. Most of mine include her insulting me and me being well, whipped. That was how it started, at least. Here's the boy who wants what he can't have, right? _

_The story is complex. I won't go into it here. I believe all involved will be grateful for my omission. I said earlier that I can't give details. I don't know what this is supposed to be- memoir or autobiographical novel. Dramatized ramblings from a person who may possibly just be in love with seeing his name in print. _

_But she was my girl. They only come along once in a lifetime. She was mine. _

_I know I need to get over her. They all say I do. I know there's more out there for me, more women I will come to love and who will love me. In time she will become a shadow of a wisp of blackened photographs in the back of my mind- a half-realized dream. Someone I once knew. But for now, she is still my girl. _

_I know there are those who will say this is all bullshit. That I'm attempting to recreate The Notebook or something. That isn't the case. I know this girl so well I can practically taste when she's in the room. And if it seems absurd that I'm using this story for commercial gain, well then clearly you've never known what it feels like to need to express yourself. _

_I'm here. Hung up over her. But it's out now. Every little thought, hope, fear in relation to her is out. This book was long, I know. It satisfied the memory, in my mind at least. I can never do her justice but here I have done my best to describe to you all what it is exactly that has made my walls up and stubborn. They are coming down again, at long last. _

_I love you. _

_And I would wait forever if only I knew there was even a small chance of you returning. _

_As it stands, maybe time will do its work. Maybe things will work out. Maybe one day I can walk through the streets of Tree Hill and not think of you. And maybe things would be a hell of a lot easier and faster and less painful if the world weren't built on maybes, almosts, and I wishes. _

_Tortured artist, I hope sincerely that you're not so tortured anymore. _

"Hello."

The city of his home was written on the jacket cover of the book. And once the city was known, the rest was quite predictable to figure out. They used to discuss where they wished they could be and his was finely detailed. She looked him up in the phonebook. So simple.

He stared speechlessly at the woman for a full minute.

She smiled tentatively and offered him a hug.

"You're here."

"Yeah, I'm here. I came back."

She was ushered into his home and tried not to look too awkward as his eyes took in every detail of her form, accessing all the changes that had taken place. "You look different. Still gorgeous, of course. But different."

"You too."

He was waiting for her explanation, she could feel it. She owed him one. She looked down at her hands, took his, and said rather quietly, "Listen. I shouldn't have left things the way I did. I just- I needed to make sure you were doing well. I needed to say… I'm sorry. Because I haven't stopped thinking about you in all this time and no matter what I try to tell myself, I… I'm still in love with you."

He watched her, felt the grip on his hand tighten, sensed the hope and anticipation filtering into her expression. And a part of him choked up and died.

He didn't know what to say. His eyes crinkled sorrowfully, all the pain the past few years had brought him came hurtling back.

And then he didn't have to say anything. He didn't have to explain.

"…Please tell me I'm not too late? Don't tell me things have changed, don't tell me I've waited too long…"

A childish but loud voice interrupted the moment and answered the question quite soundly. "Daddy!"

A good looking young woman slipped in through the back landing and beamed at him, a toddler in her arms.

He met her eyes, their emotions identical. "Peyton… it's too late."


	14. Hospital Room

**AN: **This is short and takes place a few hours after "Prom Night At Hater High". Future ficlet. Thanks for the input, and for those who are also reading my fic  
"Choose Your Poison", I've been working on it and the update should be coming soon- it will be a nice, long chapter- longer than 10 pgs.

* * *

**Hospital Room**

Hospital room.

ICU, actually.

Beeping monitors and a breathing apparatus.

Charts displaying unpleasant information.

Looks like the blonde would be lucky to survive.

A second blonde rubbed his face wearily from beside the bed. Lucas Scott was still in his sleek new suit, still polished for a prom night that would not take place. The image of what waited for him when he rang the doorbell to his girlfriend's house just hours before would not leave his head.

Someone had come back- just when they let their guard down. Someone had come to disrupt their perfection, just as someone always did.

And he had been scared. Out of his mind scared. The door was slightly ajar, some broken glass was spotted, and the closer Luke got to the entrance, the clearer it came to him that something was very wrong. Then he smelt it. Blood.

He didn't come in time. He didn't save her this time. He failed. He wasn't there when she needed him. He wasn't there. He wasn't her knight.

xXx

Peyton sat down on his lap and nestled against him for comfort. He squeezed her hand and smiled softly. "You don't always need me to do the saving."

She was no damsel in distress and finally the strength he once was so impressed with came back with a fervour. You don't just beat down Peyton Sawyer.

They kissed gently and both turned their gazes back to the bed. The beeping monitors. The blonde that a part of them both wished would not survive.

Derek wasn't quite so scary anymore.


	15. She's sorry, so sorry

**S5**

_She's sorry. So sorry. She's sorry._

They had drifted. Her record company job was slowly draining away her spirit and she simply couldn't make time. She thought that if she just **worked a little** harder, she would get her break. She wasn't working hard enough, she hadn't paid her dues. And so she tried so hard and other things fell away. She always told herself that he'd still be there. He was Lucas. He loved her. He would understand.

And he did. He was Lucas. He did love her. He did understand. It hurt him when she couldn't make time to visit often, but he was busy too. He was hurt when their phone calls came less and less frequently but he told himself it would change, soon. Once she broke through the barriers of being the assistant to the assistant, once his book promotions died down, they would be them again. He had faith.

She felt like a selfish, horrid girlfriend. After all the issues they battled to be together in high school, she was making him wait even now.

He was succeeding. His book was a decent success. There were pictures and articles and television clips and she saw his beautiful editor. The woman who was always at his side, smiling brightly, leaning into the arm he held around her shoulders.

Oh, she didn't think he was cheating. But she saw the pictures and she wondered if this editor wouldn't be better off with him than she was. They had the same interests, clearly. They could spend more time together, clearly.

Just insecurities, her mind said. But days turned into months. And the dull determination to make it in the music business tried hard to stifle the loneliness in her chest.

He would talk of marrying her. He would tease about children's names and picket fences, future lives of simplicity and success. Together.

She didn't deserve him, did she? His love, his faith, his unwavering belief in her and in them.

She didn't know if they would have that wedding in Tree Hill in that nice little church he used to go to on Christmas's as a boy. She couldn't even imagine the little daughters and sons he'd describe even if he was joking. He would speak of forever and she didn't even see a tomorrow.

It worried her. It scared her. He was speaking of commitment. She thought about the impracticalities, she thought about his naivety. They were high school sweethearts. They were already drifting apart. High school wasn't meant to last forever and bonds were **supposed** to break. She was holding him back from his life. He was waiting for her and she didn't even know if she was ever coming back.

Weeks and months without seeing each other, with barely a phone call, she tentatively, casually suggested a break. Just because they were practically having a break anyways, she reassured him. They were both busy and she didn't want him feeling obligated to force time for her. Oh, no, she had said, of course I still care about you. Oh, don't worry, she had said, it's not like this is forever.

But she downright avoided his calls now; failed to reply to his emails. She blocked him on MSN and kept any contact between the two of them vague and polite.

It was for the best, she thought. They were busy. He was naïve. Time apart without pressure would ease her worries. They would speak again, meet again, and she'd be all right. She would see that their relationship was rational again. When things settled down, she would see him again. She would be with him again. They would be better than ever together, closer than ever.

He had called her after a long, long absence asking about a book signing in L.A. It had been so very long since she had seen him that she thought maybe the time apart had been enough. Perhaps things were better now. Her fears possibly erased.

She was so excited to see him again, so pleased to be able to tell him that she thought their break should be over because she missed him and she loved him and maybe his impossible dreams were hopeful, not terrifying now. Maybe she would indulge his picket fence dreams and maybe she would feel his lips again, share his warmth and inhale his scent.

The beautiful editor was there.

The beautiful editor who had so much in common with him.

The beautiful editor who had done so much to get him to his publishing dream.

The beautiful editor who had spent more time with him than she had… possibly ever.

The beautiful editor who she had seen kiss him.

She had been stupid. Ridiculous. Why did she just simply assume he would be celibate and single and wait for her to end their little break? Why did she think that he would intuitively know that she had always meant for them to be together again in the end? Why did she feel so damn surprised to see that he had found another woman?

She didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve his dreams, his commitment, his casual unshakeable faith in them. She didn't deserve the fact that he had been willing to wait for her.

Long distance never works, she told herself. They were on a break, she told herself. They had been on a break for so long that **of course** he had thought that it was a break-up.

She was stupid.

She was busy, anyways.

The children and the church wedding and all the idle thoughts were so naïve. They had been from the mind of a high school child with a little infatuation, that was all. Four-year-old kids propose to each other all the time… this was hardly different. Marriage talk when they barely saw each other… she always knew it was madness.

He was better off.

She was the one who had suggested a break, anyways.

This was what she wanted.

They weren't meant to be. He wanted forever. She couldn't even picture tomorrow.

_God, she's sorry. So sorry. She wanted you, boy. She loved you, boy. She never wanted to push you away. She never wanted you to move on. She loves you, boy. It's all her fault now and she's sorry, so sorry. She's sorry. She misses you she wants you she needs you, boy. She will never try to claim you, not again. She stole you from one woman and that was enough sin to last her a lifetime. She will not put you through that again, boy. She will not make you choose. She will not make you hurt. She will not open doors that you thought she had locked away. _

She wanted to go to his house, in Tree Hill. She wanted to barge in and say with bursting emotion that she was an idiot and she didn't want a break and of course **she wanted everything he wanted and she wanted it with him. **Brooke would walk in, of course. Lindsay would walk in. He would be heartbroken and cleaved in two, of course. He had given up on her; she had forced him to. She was twenty years old now. She was not sixteen. She would not put him through that. She would not make the same mistake twice. Older, wiser. She did not act. She did not speak.

She was lonely. She missed him. She loved him.

He was the best person she had ever known. He was the person who kept her morality intact. He had been her strength, even past the distance that kept them apart. He had been everything she needed, everything she wanted.

So she would do this. For him.

He would ask her why she didn't come that night, to the book signing. He would ask her and she would think to him that all she had wanted to do that day was to tell him she would do anything for him, that their break was idiotic, that she couldn't wait til the years passed and she could be Mrs Scott. She would shake her head instead and tell him out loud that why, silly, she knew they weren't meant to be.

She would see his heart break just a little and she would be glad because she knew she had saved him an endless pit of pain by saying what she did.

She loved him. That was why she gave him the best gift she knew how to give.

She removed in him all traces of thought and hope that there would ever be a 'them' again.

_She's sorry, so sorry, she's sorry. Boy, she loves you. Boy, she would be by your side forever and ever until the sun extinguished and the earth crumbled. Boy, she would give you up so you would not hurt any more. Boy, she hurt you so much and she couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't be that girl who hurt you, that girlfriend who broke you. She couldn't and she's sorry, so sorry. She loves you, don't you know? But you don't know, you can't know, she won't let you know._

_She misses you and she would have your children and wear a white dress inside that chapel. She would take your name and never ever leave you and never ever take you for granted. She would care for you so, so much her heart would overflow._

She said goodbye. She denies it all cheerfully. It's okay, it's not hard; she's done it all before. She had been sixteen and she had hid it from her best friend and the world. She was now twenty one and she would hide it from the world. This time, she wouldn't be weak or selfish or stupid. She wouldn't slip up and ruin his perfectly structured love life with a woman who she was sure was just right for him.

She had done it all before.

She had made the same mistake twice. She had pushed him away when all she wanted to do was hold him tight, tight, tight.

She would do this for him. He didn't deserve some girl who failed to learn a lesson from high school. She hadn't learned. She had to be punished. She would not bring him down with her.

_She would have worn a ring and never taken it off. She would have been there for you, she would have cured her commitment issues, she would have tried to heal her dark half-buried insecurities for you._

_She will smile for you. You will marry and you will invite her and she will go. It will break her heart, but she will go and she will smile and she will never tempt you. She will love you and make sure you never wonder What If. _

She's sorry, so sorry, she's sorry. She wants you. She's sorry, so sorry.

* * *

**AN: **Long delay, sorry. I had been happy in the happy Leyton of S4 and didn't write because the show made it perfect. Of course, Leyton angst has returned, bastard Schwann broke 'em up again, which luckily (creatively at least) means I am back to furious writing. Apparently, my muse is fuelled by pain and anger. Happiness keeps me dormant. So thank you all for paying attention to this fic of mine, hope you liked it, thanks for reviewing. I'll probably be back soon :P 


	16. The Difference Between Wanting & Doing

**AN:** Reviewers, where have you gone? Dormant like I was, I suppose :P. 5.03 spawned one single line that at once warmed and shattered my Leyton-shipping soul and it resulted in this ficlet.

**

* * *

**

**The Difference Between Wanting & Doing**

"He's not good enough for you."

The words reverberated through her mind with an intensity that made her feel like her heart had stopped.

Lucas's lips were a hair away from touching her ears and she could feel his warmth.

_In her mind's eye, she saw him kissing her forcefully; saw herself letting him. _

Meeting his eyes, she saw a level of caring in them that he had stopped trying to hide, at least for the moment.

_Finding her voice, she weakly smiled. "'Course not. None of them could be. They're not you."_

Nostalgia filled the atmosphere as both knew the unspoken words.

_In his thoughts, he saw them stumble towards a private area; saw her unbutton his shirt as he slipped his fingers under the material of the dress covering her chest._

Before he would even make a real move to kiss her or hug her or do anything at all, the soft reminder of 'You have a girlfriend. And we're smart enough now to realize how important it is to not cross that line' would filter into them.

_Together, they saw him state that Lindsay had started as a way to fill the hole Peyton had left and had never amounted more to a second choice. He would say he wanted Peyton. Now. Always. That he had never stopped. He would hold her waist and let his hand drop lower as he asked her if she didn't want him back._

_She would exhale sharply as his fingers ignited a heat in her she had long since lost. Losing the warning voice, losing the conscience and wisdom and restraint age had brought her she would seize the front of his shirt and crush her mouth to his hungrily. _

_Their tongues would meet and it would feel like coming home. She would want him to never stop touching her and he would need to feel every inch of her skin. _

_Their clothes would lie forgotten and they would not care that they were still in Brooke's store, that they were not alone. Settling for a deserted hallway, he would pick her up as she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist and together they would be pushed against the wall. Her fingers would entwine in his hair; his tongue tracing patterns across her breasts. She would arch her back, begging for more and he would hold her tightly as he fucked her over and over and over until their breathing turned into unstable panting and their bodies coated over with sweat and the store closed down all around them. _

_They would fall as one entity to the floor; he'd wrap his arms around her and let out the breath he had been holding since the day she abandoned his hope of a together. _

_And nothing would matter. Nothing._

As had to happen, as obligation and adulthood and responsibility demanded, he stepped back and away. She lost that warmth and he forced himself not to look at the man who stupidly thought he was good enough for Peyton Sawyer.

Without meeting her eyes again, Lucas walked away from the thoughts; the hopes and the agonizing yearning to touch her, to speak words which would now be lethal to the lives they lived.

She would tell him he had no right to say things like that any more. She would be right.

And they would both go home that night and pretend like they hadn't thought those thoughts.


	17. Chance & Destiny

**Chance & Destiny**

_It's been said that we_ just don't _recognize the significant moments of our lives while they're happening…_

If you had asked Lucas Scott about whether or not he believed in destiny when he was ten years old, he would have laughed and walked away. Ask him at sixteen and his response wouldn't have changed. Funny how little a person realizes how different their lives would be had the number of small, seemingly meaningless chain of occurrences that happen in their lives by chance happened in any other order or been left out entirely. That's all life is, after all: a continuous flow of small events that alone mean nothing but together create a mosaic of importance. It's funny to think about the miniscule details that have to happen in order for the bigger events to take place. The spark is so often overlooked when admiring the flame but without it there would have been nothing but darkness.

xXx

Lucas had been playing at the river court for a lot longer than most people assumed.

He had stumbled upon it by fluke.

It had been an overcast day; the ground still carried the slightest hint of moisture from a light rainfall that had ended not long ago.

He didn't have any specific place in mind when he left his house that day, just that the rain had stopped and his mom would let him go outside again. Haley, who had been his best friend for years even at this early point in time, had been summoned home by one of her sisters (something about an impending blow-out involving her sister Taylor, a half-naked sixteen-year-old, and their dad). Not having much to go on activity-wise except for a warning not to go outside of hollering distance, the boy was wandering aimlessly when fate knocked into him.

Walking across the street from him were two girls, arms interlinked, around his age. He had never seen them around before. Interest piqued, he walked after them.

After a few minutes of being a little stalker-like, Lucas plucked up his courage and said hi. The girls looked at each other, a burst of laughter escaping their mouths at the then-new experience of being randomly approached by the opposite sex.

He had caught them just as they had stopped to look at something they had found by the road.

It was a basketball.

After deciding that neither of them wanted to take it, the blonde girl looked at me. "Do you want it?"

Lucas wasn't about to say no to anything the girls asked him. Besides, he had dabbled in basketball before- just not very much since he didn't have any where to play it nor did he have a ball. He nodded eagerly. The blonde smirked at his enthusiasm and bounced it at him with a bit more force than was necessary.

The girls walked away at this point and Luke stared after them, slightly awed. As he watched them leave, he followed…and then he noticed a park he hadn't seen before.

Walking closer to examine it, the world would see a beaten down court decaying and neglected, out of use for years. He would see a tarmac that had felt the well-worn experience of excited feet, _expert_ feet; belonging to kids who would turn into basketball players. He would see a basket that hung limply not because it lacked consideration but because many others before him had learned to make the ball fall into it time and time again. The graffiti marks were signatures of the court's former pupils. It stood as a retreat; the playground, the classroom, the confidante that no one could take away. It stood as an area that did not judge him for his second-rate clothing or for the haircut his mom had given him herself. It stood as an area that did not mock him with its fresh pavement, danced on by the sons of affluent parents. There would be no adults here who would whisper about him, the bastard child, the sob story. There would be no one laughing at him for not having a dad, no one pitying or criticizing his mother for never having married.

Looking at the ball in his hands, Lucas smiled and tested it out by dribbling. The ball seemed to fit his hands perfectly.

The girls would continue on to a bridge nearby and sometimes they could be heard skipping rocks in the river. Sometimes they would ride by with their bicycles, laughing and talking. He never really noticed. Girls lay forgotten amongst the discovery of a place he would make his sanctuary. They would not speak or meet again for six years.

Peyton Sawyer, Brooke Davis, and Lucas Scott would never realize that they did actually meet before the explosive events in their junior year…and that had they not have met once before, said explosive events might not have happened at all. They were more connected than even they knew.

Maybe it was chance, coincidence that had jammed Peyton's music just as she drove towards an oblivious Lucas. Maybe it was chance, coincidence that had Lucas walk outside his house at the exact moment the girls walked by. _Or maybe not._

Lucas never did remember who had given him his first basketball, or how he came to find the river court. She had changed the entire course of his life- handing him his passion…and she didn't even know it and he forgot all about it.

xXx

"(_Peyton) used to sit, under a bridge by the river; (her) and a brunette girl, who wore a little too much eye make-up for a ten year-old."_

-Ellie Harp

* * *

**AN: **So, the last ep of OTH killed my soul. I spent a good 5 posts rambling about it on livejournal. It drilled into my head that the ONLY REASON Leyton's apart is because LUKE AND PEYTON ARE DUMB FUCKS! Anyways. That's why I just didn't have the heart to write anything based on the last ep. Of course, Ellie's quote that I added in just above this note randomly flew into my head yesterday, completely out of the blue. And then I absolutely fell in love with the idea of Peyton actually being the one who introduced Lucas to basketball... with the possibility that he had actually met her before junior year. I don't know, Leyton is just so endgame I can't help but connect the two even more because I really do think it's fate with them. 

Thanks for your reviews :). Ahah, it's exactly because of the fact that the show isn't doing it right that I've resurfaced from land of no updates. It looks like I'm pretty much updating after every episode now. Damn you, Schwann for angsting up my OTP. By the way, are there any requests for plotlines you guys might want to see done?


	18. The Half Life of Lucas Scott

**AN: **There aren't words to describe how angry I am at Lucas and how arg-inducing the Leyton angst of 'In da club' was. As a result, I have several fic ideas, including a V-day one I'll (hopefully) post for V-day tomorrow haha. Thanks for reviewing, guys.

* * *

**The Half Life of Lucas Scott**

The look on her face was of complete betrayal.

The pain of _how could you?_ echoed in her eyes.

And I had never felt more confused in my life.

I loved Lindsey. I truly did. But God, feeling Peyton's lips against mine again was like taking a blender to my insides. The electricity I felt course through me scared me so much that I went straight home in a blind panic.

I screwed up everything by seeing two girls at once before. I could never, never do that again.

I had been telling myself for two full years that I was over Peyton. I had been telling myself that Lindsey was everything I could possibly want.

When faced with either admitting that I had been lying to myself all this time (and leading a wonderful woman on at the same time), or proving once and for all that I honestly loved Lindsey… I chose the latter.

Maybe I chose that to make myself look better, to make me feel better about who I am. Maybe a vindictive part of me did it to spite Peyton because for so long I couldn't breath without feeling the stabbing hurt she inflicted by saying no.

Maybe I'm impulsive and foolish.

Maybe one day I'll realize that instead of learning from the past, I had actually made the same mistake again. Maybe one day I'll look back and realize that I chose the wrong girl…again.

I couldn't think about that. I had to believe I made the right choice. It didn't matter now anyways. You can't just take back a proposal. She had said yes and that was there was to it.

God, I had gotten home and Lindsey was just so, so angry.

And I opened my mouth and words, hasty and thoughtless and charged, just spilled out. I told her I was in love with her and that I never regretted getting together with her and that the only thing that mattered to me in the world was for her to be with me always. And then I pulled out the ring (Peyton's ring, my heart shrieked), got down on one knee, and pleaded for her to never leave me.

I panicked. I panicked because I knew I felt something with that kiss, I knew I still cared about Peyton, I knew that more than anything I wanted her to be beside me wearing my ring, calling herself my wife. When our lips met, this searing image of the two of us flashed through my mind. We were wrapped together, this tangle of limbs. She was in a wedding gown and she was so beautiful; we were married and happy and it was forever.

So I ran home and asked the other woman to marry me because the sheer terror of that buried desire sent ice down to my core. You see, I like to think that I'm a good person. I like to think that I don't use people and that I'm pretty honest. Peyton proved me wrong.

Maybe it was denial of that epiphany that led to the rashness. Maybe I thought that if I was married to Lindsey, that would officially close any chance of me and Peyton. I couldn't take another ending with Peyton so I won't risk another beginning. If I've learned anything, it's that Peyton and I are always the most perfect before we're together. Once we get what we think we want, once that hope in me engulfs me in bliss and I actually feel real happiness, she rips it all away. I lose a bit of me every time that happens and if I let her in just one more time, there won't be any of me left when she leaves again. So I left first.

I'm going to marry Lindsey as soon as I can. Before I can think. Before I can see Peyton's anguished expression one more time. Before I get within four feet of the girl and end up kissing her again (because I know I would, I would in an instant and oh God that terrifies me).

Lindsey was all for a quick wedding. She mistook my impatience as eagerness.

Haley had told me to make sure that this was what I wanted. I had admitted that Lindsey was just a second choice. But my first choice didn't exist. What I wanted with Peyton I could never have. Commitment, rules, stability… these things ruined me and Peyton. What I wanted was a fantasy. So I would take the only thing left to me.

Two hours before the wedding, I sat at the river court, crying. Not just the manly mild watering of the eyes, either. I was all out sobbing. I was in my tux, my hair was done perfectly, I had shaved extra carefully that morning. I had never looked so put together. And inside, I felt like vomiting and screaming and fuck, running away. I wanted to run away and bury my face in blonde curls and never, ever lay in the bed I had made. I couldn't stop thinking about how she showed up at my door the night I proposed (the night we kissed and she said she loved me, the night I wanted to crush her to me and never let her ago again).

Peyton had come to me two days after that night. _Don't marry her, Luke_. She had whispered, torn and pleading. _I'm in love with her, Peyton._ Her face had crumpled and I had tried to embrace her but she had ripped herself from my grasp and strode away. I hadn't seen her since. I was getting married in two hours and I hadn't seen her. I realized that I had wanted her to come to me, angry and sad and desperate. I had wanted her to demand that I call off the wedding. I had wanted her to kiss me again and tell me she was better for me, she was what I wanted.

She didn't come. She hadn't told me not to do it. And so, I cried.

Twenty minutes later, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"You don't seem very happy for a husband-to-be."

Peyton's eyes were swimming and her face was blotchy. There were bags under her eyes and it looked like she had slept in her clothes.

I had moved on to dry sobbing and could hardly catch my breath.

"I'm sorry." I managed desperately. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"You're in love with her, Lucas." She repeated my words back to me, her voice so strained.

"I'm in love with you." I had whispered, water cascading down my cheeks again. "This is a mistake. It's all a mistake. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Me too."

I took her hand. She tried to move. "Please, Peyton. Please?" She stopped.

"I hurt you."

"Yeah." She swallowed.

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

And suddenly I could picture it. I'd be at the altar. Lindsey would come. And her face would flicker from the face I knew to Peyton's. It would flicker and I would panic and oh God.

I buried my face in Peyton's hair, the comfort I yearned for so deeply.

"Good-bye, Luke." Peyton stood up, ducked her head, and started away.

"No, God…" I whipped up.

"Go get married."

I grabbed her by the shoulders and pressed my lips against hers.

Shoving me away, Peyton yelled. "I tried to fight for you. It's too late for that now. You made it too late." Her brow scrunched as she half-turned away from me.

I couldn't stop. I cupped her face again and poured out the stream of angst I had been repressing into the heavy kiss I forced upon her.

"Stop it, Lucas!" She snapped at me, voice cracking. But I felt her curls and caressed her neck and her eyes shut; they shut and re-opened and pain washed over her eyes as she finally kissed me back.

My hands slipped under her shirt (_cheating ass hole_). She tugged at my bow tie and I moaned when her hands stroked my chest (_so familiar). _My lips were everywhere, my hands entwined in hers; it became hard to differentiate where I ended and she began as we entangled into one entity. Her bra lay on the concrete, my belt beside it. Being inside her relieved every worry, every wound, every critical voice… _(once a cheater, always a cheater)._

I arrived at the church five minutes late; my clothes thoroughly rumpled.

"Don't ask." I grunted in response to the questioning looks.

_Don't do this!_ Brooke begged as I walked by her. _You'll kill her. You'll kill yourself. _

_I have to do this._ At the frown Haley was sending my way upon hearing my words, I slipped into a passable grin. _I want to do this. _

Brooke's eyes told me she knew the truth. They spelled out disappointment and anger; sorrow and betrayal. She knew.

I would walk out, arms linked with my wife, and I'd see Peyton hidden around the corner, watching from afar.

What we did would never happen again. _(Even now I can lie to myself with such ease)._

I was with Lindsey now. I was a good person. Peyton and I were never going to happen again. _(I would taint her by making her the other woman, I would corrupt the purity of marriage vows, I would betray one who loved me wholly in order to give a half-comfort of deceit and immorality to the one who I loved wholly)_

I would sleep next to Lindsey every night. Always. _(The mornings would be spent locking concealed gazes with Peyton; the afternoons full of lust and longing and regret; the early evenings allocated to losing reality in her arms and taste where the only thing that existed in the whole world was us and the honesty, purity, unstoppable quality of true love.)_

I loved Lindsey. _(But I was in love with Peyton Sawyer). _

She would haunt my dreams, follow my waking thought. Sex with my wife would be the obligation, the immorality. _I was cheating on my love with my wife._

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Those were the words I'd rasp out hoarsely every time I made her orgasm.

She never asked me to leave her. I guess we were beyond the boundaries of girlfriend, fiancée, wife. By law I belonged to Lindsey. In all aspects that mattered, I belonged wholly to Peyton. She shared me with no one else.

There never had been any one else in my heart.

"Love you, husband." Lindsey smiled at me.

"You too." _(Peyton). _


	19. The Death of the Happily Ever After

**AN: **I don't have time to edit this, so apologies ahead of time for any mistakes. I have a surge of ideas for Leyton, so expect another installment soon XD Hopefully the next one will be less angsty- I have a light, happy Leyton in my mind's eye so no worries.

* * *

**Death of the Happily Ever After**

You want to know what happens after the happily ever after? Do you want to know what comes after the closing credits; the perfect kiss or the lovely wedding?

The girl realizes she has nothing in common with the guy, or the guy finds out her family is batshit crazy- that's what happens. The girl will freak out once she discovers that it was only lust after all, wanting what she couldn't have. The guy will wince when he sees it really was just the thrill of the chase and maybe the girl he left behind truly was better for him. They'll break up. It will be horrible and painful because both had thought they had found their soul mate. Divorce, annulment, infidelity. Alcoholism, a drug addiction, workaholic syndrome perhaps. Bitterness. Loneliness.

What happens after the closing credits in that feel-good romance is the inevitable break-up of the lead lovers. What happens is a hell of a lot of crying and swearing and all the fun little strings no one ever told you about that come with happily ever after.

What happens is that after the hugging and the kissing and the promise of "I'll wait for you"; what happens after the "I love you", and the "You're the one I want beside me when all my dreams come true", and all the other beautiful reassuring words of forever and sweetness and commitment… The guy ends up with the Ivy-league-educated beauty of a new girlfriend while you're there in your empty apartment; alone and crying.

What happens is that after kissing you back after three harsh years you go to see him and find that he's now _engaged._

What? Cynical? Peyton wasn't cynical. She just knows what comes after the happily ever after. You see, she ended high school off with an ironclad relationship.

It only took one year before they broke up; only another for her to see he had moved on, and only four for him to blame their whole break-up on her- shouldering absolutely none of the responsibility.

What happens even after that is that said guy won't even let you move on with your life. No, he has to look at you with that 'I'm still in love with you' expression of angst that you know so well. No, he has to cockblock your attempts at flirting with the cute bartender and he has to pop up often soliciting his help. He has to yell at you and say things with such emotion that you know something's still there even if you wish it wasn't. He has to crush his lips against yours with so much pain and yearning that you think you might fall apart just feeling him.

Peyton couldn't deal with this. She had been through a tidal wave of romantic entanglements and she was not going through it again.

It didn't help anything that it was Valentine's Day. Normally, the girl was simply not one of those sentimental whiners who bitched about being single on February 14. But this year, she had to sit and smile as Haley and Nathan chattered about their elaborate plans, had to watch Lindsey giggle at the Lucas Romantic Treatment. It should be patented. The guy was an expert at making your knees weak. He had all the right words and knew all the soft ploys. Peyton blamed his sensitive-artist persona for that. The romance department was always one of his biggest strengths.

She had to watch them glide by on the horse-drawn carriage he had hired; a bouquet of red roses in Lindsey's arms and a necklace around her neck that gleamed in the twilight, matching her ring. It was Peyton's ring, really. He had bought it for her. Seeing it on Lindsey's finger was the first time Peyton had seen what it looked like. Thank you, Lucas, for not only shooting her in the stomach but for also pouring acid over her while you're at it.

Brooke had tried very persistently to organize a night on the town ('we're single and hot- _they're_ the ones who should be bitter!'), but Peyton didn't have the energy after seeing the carriage. Her best friend had then suggested staying in and watching movies ('something with bloodshed, I'm thinking. Blood and guts. Or anything with Colin Farrell…'), but again Peyton declined. She needed to sulk just a little bit and so she encouraged Brooke to go out with Skillz and the rest of the single guys.

This was how Peyton found herself sitting on her back terrace by herself, nursing a bottle of Bailey's. Let's not get the wrong idea, though: she also had a sketchbook on her lap and had come up with a few decent ideas for Clothes Over Bros as well as a random sketch a la the old days. The initial recordings of Mia's songs played in her iPod and Peyton was in all honesty working. Of course, the random sketch might have consisted of a certain ex-boyfriend with the caption "thanks for waiting"… but she wasn't _trying_ to wallow.

Shading in the velvet box sitting in the hand that was connected to an arm, that was connected to a body, that depicted a very (almost excessively) happy face, Peyton hadn't noticed when someone came up beside her.

"What could I have waited for? You said no."

She looked up and her face folded over in a glare. "What do you want? It's Valentine's Day. Didn't you have more planned than that carriage stunt?"

"Yes." Lucas shrugged as he slid into the chair beside her. "But Lindsey doesn't have to know that."

Peyton didn't even bother to ask. Slamming her marker down, she took to examining her clothing sketches.

"So, I'd ask how you are but judging by the fact that you're drinking by yourself-"

"I'm fine." She snapped. "Don't make me ask again- what do you want?"

"Peyton, I'm here because I didn't like the way we left things the other day. I don't want to have to avoid you or have you avoid me. We were best friends once-"

"Best friends who keep kissing each other when you're supposed to be in love with someone else at the time."

"That kiss-" He swallowed, "It, it didn't mean anything."

"Lucas. We've had this conversation before." Peyton rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to ask you if you mean that because I know you don't. But it doesn't matter that you're lying; you seem to do a lot of that. What matters is that you're engaged, your fiancée would castrate you if she knew you were with me, and hell I don't particularly want to be around you right now anyways. So if the only reason you came over was to end things on a better note, I'm sorry, but I won't smile and go along with your act. I'm done pretending."

"We're not together. We haven't been for three years, Peyton!" He clenched his jaw, frustrated. Lucas snatched the sketchpad from her lap to make her stop doodling. "You can't be mad at me."

"No. Why would I be mad?" Peyton's voice was rising with venom and she didn't care to hide it, "I only told you that I made a mistake when I said no to marrying you. I only told you that I came back to this town for you. I only told you that I'm still in lov-"

"Our history is just that- it's history-"

"Yeah, because you proposed to your girlfriend a few hours after you kissed me. After I gave you my heart once again, and once again you took a hammer to it." Laughing humourlessly, Peyton clasped her hands together in her lap. "Hmm. You'd think I'd have learned to stop doing that by now. I guess it only took three times of you choosing a different girl for me to stop trusting you."

"No, you don't get to do that." Lucas's voice was coated with rage. "You don't get to make me the villain here. You knew I was with Lindsey when you said all that-"

"Lucas, I've been waiting for you since the day I walked into your kitchen to see you with Brooke. I'm done waiting. I don't care if it's not politically correct for me to say. I don't care if the whole damn world will paint me as a relationship wrecking slut. I told you I loved you and you gave another girl the ring you bought for me three years ago. That's the end of it." Standing up, she took her sketchbook back. "I'm not going to argue or yell or throw things at you. You've chosen. And once again, I'm not your choice."

"Peyton!"

"I told you to go home to Lindsey every single damn time you've approached me lately because I knew it would be wrong to do anything with a guy who's not single. You kept coming back. Curious, isn't it?" Peyton started for the door. "I'll tell you again- go home to your fiancée. It's Valentine 's Day. Lovers' holiday. Go tell her pretty words and pretend. You're so good at it."

"It's not pretend. I do love her."

"Good for you. Please don't talk to me again." She opened her door, not caring that Lucas clearly wasn't done with the conversation.

"God, I-"

"Ever. Don't talk to me again ever."

With a blank expression, Peyton shut the door in the boy's face and turned off the back light.

"Peyton!" Lucas banged his fist against the door in exasperation and hurt but she didn't come back. He leaned his forehead against the door and shut his eyes. Her words sunk in and he felt his throat close up. What would a life without Peyton really mean? It's not as though he had been speaking to her at all for two years…it wouldn't make a difference, right?

He snorted. Sure. He had missed her so much. A life without her would be unimaginable.

He was trying to do the right thing here. It would be unbelievably unfair to Lindsey if he didn't commit himself wholly to her. No doubt, she would agree with Peyton's removal from his life. God help him, he'd rather piss off his fiancée than swear off seeing Peyton.

Nathan's words floated back to him. He had said that Luke seemed more concerned about Peyton's anger than Lindsey's and had gave him that knowing look that was becoming annoyingly familiar. Any time Peyton came up in conversation, he would receive the very same look from Brooke, Haley, Skillz, Mouth…anyone who had known him in high school. He wanted to scream that all of the things he had been through with Peyton was rooted in the past and it was dead now. No one believed him any more than they believed Peyton when she said she didn't come back for him.

Sighing, Lucas tried the door. It was locked. He knocked but was not surprised when the girl didn't answer it.

His pocket began to vibrate. Checking it, he felt a stab of guilt when he saw it was Lindsey. Clenching his teeth, he pressed ignore.

He wasn't sure how long he was leaning against the door, but he did know it was getting incredibly dark outside. Lost in his own muddled thoughts, he almost fell over when the door opened.

"Why are you still here?" Peyton glared, arms crossed.

"I don't want you out of my life."

"Don't you think the fact that I still have feelings for you might be a bit of a problem in the whole being friends with you and Mrs. Scott thing?"

"I-"

"Why'd you ask her to marry you, Lucas?"

Instead of saying that he loved her or any of the numerous easy phrases he had been spouting lately, he answered with a truth he hadn't meant to divulge. "I don't know." His face scrunched up in pain and he bowed his head. "God, Peyton, I don't know. You scared me."

"That's exactly what every girl likes to hear." She said sarcastically, though she softened minutely at his pain.

"You can't know how much I wanted to hear those words… I waited a year to hear those words."

"And now it's too late and you love Lindsey and you're sorry. I get it, okay? So just leave."

"I was scared because I realized I was wrong when I told myself you came back too late." He chuckled darkly. "Yeah, the timing sucks. But too late implies that I've both moved on and that I no longer feel the same for you. Both aren't exactly true. I was scared because when you said those words, I wanted to throw out every thing I learned from high school and be with you again despite Lindsey." Looking at her, he murmured, "And I can't do that, Peyt. I can't."

"No. You can't stand being the bad guy." Peyton shook her head. "You can't stand having people think of you as anything other than St. Luke."

"I do love Lindsey. You have to understand that."

"Lucas, I loved Jake. Maybe you've forgotten that. But I loved Jake. I just realized I loved you more. And maybe that's why I dislike Lindsey so damn much." She laughed. "This is mirroring exactly what happened with Jake and me. I went to him and I proposed. I don't know if you know that. I asked him to marry me. But you see, Jake is a better person than Lindsey could ever be. He knew I cared about you; he knew it even though I didn't. And he turned me away- he turned me back to you because he wanted me happy and knew he'd be sharing me with you if he didn't. But Lindsey, she said yes to you."

"You were going to marry Jake?" Lucas choked out.

"I chose you. But you never have chosen me."

"Let me come in, Peyton."

"Why?"

Lucas smiled, "Happy Valentine's Day." Reaching into his pocket, he held out a ring.

"Lucas, that's an engagement ring-"

"No, that's _your_ engagement ring." Peyton looked thoroughly confused. "You didn't think I could actually give Lindsey the ring I meant for you, did you?"

"Why are you giving this to me?"

"It's yours. It always has been."

"Is this some cruel way to tie up loose ends? A symbolic ending to any 'us' that existed so you can marry her without guilt?" She frowned.

"I don't know why I needed to give this to you. I don't know what I meant by it, but I know it's not an ending. I…I needed to let you know that I do still care about you. That I always have somewhere." Cupping her face, Luke leaned in and kissed her chastely on the forehead.

She clutched at the ring, staring at it as she asked, "Luke, tell me the truth. Did you miss me?"

"Every single minute." He whispered as he wrapped his arms around her cautiously, not sure if she would push him away. She didn't. She hugged him back tightly, burying her face in his chest in a way that reminded him of simpler times…happier times.

"You do still love me, don't you?" Her voice was so uncertain.

"Peyton, I'm still with Lindsey, you have to-"

"I know. I know that. I know it won't change anything. But please Luke…"

"Of course I do. I can't stop. And trust me, I've tried."

Pushing him away forcefully, Peyton swiped at her tears angrily and stepped quickly back into the house. "That's why you can't talk to me anymore. You can't have us both. Since you won't leave her, I have to leave you."

While he was still trying to register her words, she tried to shut the door again. This time, he caught on quicker and stopped the action. Forcing it open, he slipped into the house.

"I wanted to do all that for you, you know. The horse drawn carriage. The whole Valentine's Day explosion."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. I want to give you the romantic dinner and the candle light. You want to know why I showed up here tonight? I was beside Lindsey and thinking about the fact that I had never shared a Valentine's Day with you. And inexplicably, I wanted to change that."

"Well it's Valentine's Day. You're here. I'm here. Consider it shared."

"Peyton, if I could make it right, I would-"

"You can. That's why I'm mad. You could leave Lindsey. That would make it right."

"I can't!"

"Then go home!"

"I can't." He repeated, frustrated.

Peyton grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him to her, kissing him quickly and roughly. Releasing him just as suddenly, she demanded, "Did you feel that? The guilt? The regret? That's 'cause you're not single. And you have no right to be here. So go home."

He lost his mind every time he felt her lips and before he could stop himself, he pressed his lips against hers for much, much longer than she had done to him. Remembering every detail of her mouth, it felt like the world would end once the kiss did.

She would slap him and bodily force him out of her house.

Two hours later, Brooke would stumble home to find her sitting on the couch surrounded by a pile of tissues as she cried into a pillow. She would ask her what was wrong and Peyton would just shake her head. _He's marrying her. _Brooke would hold her but nothing she could do would comfort her. She would ask her friend brokenly why she couldn't believe in happily ever after any more.

Two hours later, Lindsey would wake up and find him sitting on a nearby chair instead of in bed. She would ask him what was wrong and he would tell her that he was sorry. She would reach for him but he would back away. _You were right. _Her eyes would be so uncomprehending. He would tell her that she meant a lot to him and that she helped him heal these past two years but that she deserved more than he could give. He could never give himself wholly to her, not like marriage vows demanded he do. She would ask him what he meant but he would just shake his head.

He finally realized that happily-ever-after didn't exist. He could only see as far as the wedding, with laughter and celebration. Now, he understood what came after. There would be arguments and insecurity and it would never be right. No one would ever be happy. Lucas realized what came after the movie credits and he knew the perfect relationship would break. What he and Lindsey had was far from perfect and maybe that was the key. With the one he belonged to, the perfection would give way to destruction. With the one he settled for, there would be no perfection, which meant no destruction. He had always been the optimist, the romantic. But now Lucas knew that he didn't believe in happily-ever-after any more.

Through the rose petals scattered across his room floor, he would walk over to his fiancée and know that he was corrupting the whole idea of marriage. He would sit in the bed with his beautiful fiancée, who loved him unconditionally, after executing a romantic Valentine's Day that happened without a hitch, and he would know that it was all an illusion. With all the candles and appearance of bliss, he was more unhappy than he had ever been with the turmoil of Peyton in which nothing he wanted ever worked out right.

Everything was going as planned now. He had everything he had asked for, everything he wanted. But he had nothing he needed.

_one night to be confused  
one night to speed up truth  
we had a promise made  
four hands and then away_

I love you. And it's not enough.


	20. 34 Hours

_**When the cat's away, the mice will play...** _

Nathan snorted out loud after opening the door to Peyton and Brooke's house. Peyton was sitting on Lucas's back, horsy-style; the bottle of sour puss in her hand tipping haphazardly as Lucas attempted to buck her off. Both were in peels of laughter and displayed an effortless ease with each other that hadn't been seen in years. Considering they were exchanging looks of anger and angst the last time Nathan saw them together, it wasn't hard to understand his bemusement. 

Nathan cleared his throat loudly to make his presence known, raising his eyebrows as Lucas quickly straightened to his knees and Peyton promptly fell off, hooking her arm around his neck as she went. Lucas fell on top of the girl and they didn't bother to disentangle as they both looked up guiltily at Nathan. The bottle slipped from Peyton's loose hold, prompting Nathan to duck forward to grab it just as a trickle of liquor hit the carpet.

"Hi, Nate." Peyton greeted weakly, smacking Lucas as his shoulders shook with a new explosion of laughter.

xXx

**34 hours earlier…**

Lindsey kissed Lucas familiarly on the lips with the air of someone who had been doing it all their life and would continue to do so for as long as one could imagine. Lucas had just rolled out of bed, sleeping later than usual, and she was saying goodbye. It was only a few days after she giddily agreed to marry him and she had to go on a quick trip to New York.

He complained that he didn't want her to leave and she smiled with the satisfaction of knowing just how well-loved and appreciated she was. The blinding glow of the proposal had wiped out all her insecurities and nothing could rattle her. After all, what did it matter if Peyton was back in Tree Hill and that she had a past with Lucas? Peyton wasn't the one with the ring and that was all that was important.

Lucas's fiancée had been very excited about their engagement and had told everyone they knew about it the morning after. By the afternoon, Lucas couldn't go anywhere in town without seeing someone smiling at him congratulatory. The buzz made him uncomfortable, but he would never admit that.

Three straight days of people talking about nothing else was making Lucas a little crazy. He hadn't been able to sleep well the last few nights and he hadn't been able to squeeze out even one decent sentence.  
He watched Lindsey's car drive out of sight before he stuffed his shoes on and left the house, not even bothering to change out of the clothes he slept in.

He had bed head and was clad in sweat pants and a ratty t-shirt but he didn't really care. Ignoring the looks his neighbours were giving each other (the knowing smiles that people generally give when they see something exuding cuteness, like kittens), Lucas made his way to the river court. He was getting increasingly irritated with those smiles. It reminded him vaguely of the excited congratulations people kept bestowing on him and Brooke the night she found out about his break-up. At least back then it was funny, in a tragic kind of way. Now he just wanted to yell that this wasn't some monumental event so could people please just leave him alone?

Luke sat down on top of the picnic table as he had done so many times before and tried to calm his frazzled nerves. His eyes were drawn to the faded paint on the pavement and the all too familiar wave of sickness enveloped him. Thinking about how things once were never failed to either nauseate, depress, or anger him. The paint made him think back to another drawing coloured on a lifetime ago; his jersey number engulfed in a flaming heart as a token of Peyton's fierce concern for him after his car accident. Lucas sighed and shut his eyes tightly, willing the memories, the images, the feelings to fade away just as the actual pavement had.

When he re-opened his eyes, Skillz was standing in front of him, eyebrow raised. "You okay?"

"If you say anything along the lines of 'congratulations' I'm going to have to hurt you." Lucas joked in response.

"Luke? Hey!" Haley greeted from behind. Turning around, he smiled as he saw her with James in tow and Nathan beside her.

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Yeah, bell rings in five minutes but I haven't been out here with these guys in so long." Haley grinned at her son. "I can't stay."

Smiling slightly at the sight of his brother and best friend's familial bliss, Luke commented, "You guys really are adorable together."

"Looks like you're well on your way to having this too, man." Nathan answered.

Trying not to roll his eyes, Lucas said, "We covered all the congratulatory stuff two days ago, okay?"

Haley had to leave so she hugged her son goodbye before Nathan bent down to kiss her. Watching them, Lucas was startled to realize that he sincerely could not see himself with Lindsey and a kid in the same scenario. It was difficult to even comprehend a marriage…kids hadn't even manifested themselves into his imagination. This should be his future and he should be glad for it but Lucas simply could not see it. If he tried, all he could picture was a blurry block of grey. That bode well, he thought darkly.

As Skillz played with Jamie, Nathan sat down next to his brother and tentatively brought up Peyton.

She had been present when Lindsey spilled the news to the gang about their engagement and she and Lucas had somehow found themselves alone together in a hallway a few minutes later. They had gotten into another argument after Peyton asked him not to marry her. She was just sad at this point but that quickly converted to anger when Luke tried to sell his bull shit 'I love Lindsey' crap. They hadn't spoken since.

Nathan hadn't seen her since that day either and he was a little concerned about the girl.

"That isn't my issue." Lucas had shrugged. Nathan gave him a look. "Look, it's not like she would even want to talk to me anyways."

"I'm just saying if you start avoiding each other now, that might not end. Is that really how you want your relationship with her to close?"

"My head gets messed up when I'm with her."

"I know." Nathan laughed. "I've seen it."

Watching Jamie and Skillz chase each other across the concrete, Nathan verbalized a truth that only he could say with such blunt simplicity. "It gets messed up for a reason, Lucas."

Between Brooke's obvious support for a reunion between him and Peyton and now this, Lucas was starting to wonder if everyone was rooting for them.

After trying to come up with a sufficient response to that, Lucas settled for, "Lindsey and I-"

Holding up his hand to shut the blond up, Nathan said, "Look. Marriage ain't easy. Me and Haley got lucky but don't think all marriages are as trouble free as ours has been." He grinned deprecatingly. "It's a big, big deal. Don't screw it up."

"I'm not going to-"

"You already have." He responded, matter-of-factly.

The stupid, horrible thing was that Nathan was right and they both knew it.

Lucas spent the next three hours mulling this over in his head before he showed up at Peyton's office with an arsenal of food.

Peyton had just been ending a telephone conversation as he shut the door. Gaping at him wordlessly, she put the phone down in surprise.

Sitting down on the couch, Lucas gestured for her to come over. "I have pizza, Chinese, Italian…and, well, American I guess you'd call it." He put down the bags and started unloading a variety of take out bags including one from McDonald's.

"What is this?"

"I figured you hadn't been eating much." Lucas shrugged.

She stared at him blankly as he reached for forks and napkins. "Lucas…"

Feeling a spasm of nervousness, he blurted, "Nathan was worried about you." Looking strictly at the food alone, he swallowed. "And I've been thinking about you pretty much non-stop, too."

Handing her a cup of coffee and lifting the lid off a pizza box, Lucas continued, "I was an ass for barging in here four days ago to yell at you." He spread around the containers of food around the floor for a lack of a better place to put them, "I was a huge ass for letting you find out about the engagement the way you did." Lucas scanned the room for a garbage can to drag over to stuff the plastic bags into. "And I know that my real stroke of jack assery was in… in kissing you maybe an hour before proposing to someone else."

Running a hand through his hair, Luke finally ran out of things to occupy himself with and reluctantly met Peyton's eyes. "I'm sorry, Peyton. For everything. And I know it's probably ludicrous of me to suggest this, but I was hoping we could have lunch, drama-free. You were- are- one of the most important people in my life. I don't want to ruin that… at least not more than I already have."

"Okay. Let's eat." Peyton said simply, eyes flashing at him before reaching for a slice of pizza.

Half an hour later, they could almost forget that he was engaged and she had confessed her feelings for him. They could almost forget the years of hurt and anger that lay between them like welts against their hearts. Sitting cross legged beside each other in a semi-circle of take-out and garbage, they ignored their painful history and remembered what it was like to be friends.

"You sent Mrs. Davis a bitter shrew?" Lucas snorted, slightly awed.

"You should have seen her. She called Brooke stupid. She's the biggest bitch I've ever seen. What would you have done?"  
"Well, I did accidentally nearly make her have a heart attack when she thought I was proposing to Brooke a few years ago." Luke grinned.

"Brooke told me about that," Peyton laughed. "You got hammered and tried to kiss her, right?"

Shutting his eyes with embarrassment, Lucas groaned. "You guys really do tell each other everything, huh?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't there. When you found out your book would finally get published."

"I didn't expect you to be." Lucas shrugged.

She hesitated. They had been doing so well. "I cared, you know." Forcing a chuckle, she added, "I mean, they almost fired me that week since I was so scatterbrained and weepy."

"Oh I was all over the place too. I was ready to growl when Lindsey rambled about how she was going to edit and dissect the 'rough bits' out of my book."

"You always were over-sensitive." She stuck her tongue out.

"Says the pouty artist who didn't have the guts to have her art critiqued by Thud." Lucas teased back. "Speaking of your art, have you kept with that with music and all dominating your time?"

"Art's too much a part of me for me to just stop." Peyton shook her head.

"Could I see?" He asked cautiously.

"Okay," she shrugged and went to her desk, pulling out a sketchbook from her purse. "Here's what the last four years have produced."

"Thanks." Lucas was startled and actually rather touched that she'd let him see this considering how private she was with her sketches and how distanced the two had become of late.

"Most of them are just random doodles." She murmured as he flipped through the pages.

Not all of them, though. Lucas felt his throat close up as he scanned through a drawing of what was most recognizably himself and her, with the familiar caption of true love always. Another depicted the kiss they had Championship night. Interlocking hands underneath a maze of blankets. His face with the words 'I'll wait for you'. There were sketches relating to her turmoil in the music business, captions that asked questions like 'is it worth it, P Sawyer?', and 'kill your soul or sell it'. He felt a pang in seeing how hard it had been for her, especially since his own first years were filled with success and relative happiness with familiar faces. There was one that disturbed him deeply, with her eyes shining out in a dark room, separated by glass from a medley of people with their arms linked and laughing…People he recognized as Brooke, himself, possibly Nathan, and all the others of their group. One of the more recent ones held a picture of her chest with her arms undoing a button ('is this all they want? WHORE').

"I didn't think this through, maybe you shouldn't be looking at that." Peyton looked anxious and embarrassed as she hastily took her book back.

As he released the sketchbook, a sheet fell out that hadn't been attached. Picking it up, he frowned. Him and her in wedding outfits ('one day, someday'). On the back was a drawing of the box his ring had come in, surrounded by a mantra of 'YES's' that repeated itself all across the page.

Lucas had only been able to glimpse the page before it was ripped out of his hands. "Sorry. You shouldn't have- I shouldn't have let you…" She uttered under her breath as she stuffed it back in her book and stuffed the book back in her bag.

Looking thoroughly flustered now, Peyton snatched a random container of food and fiddled with it. She obviously hadn't remembered what kind of sketches she had drawn and was hugely uncomfortable with the vulnerability it revealed to him.

Torn between the enormous desire to comfort her and the knowledge that she would be more appreciative if he just changed the subject, Lucas hesitated before putting his hand on her knee. "Those are even better than your high school ones."

Trying for a weak smile, Peyton peeked at him from the corner of her eye, trying to gauge his reaction to the drawings. All she could see from his expression was warmth and concern; the sadness there was not something he blamed on her.

"Was it really that bad? Your time in LA?"

"I learned a lot." She answered. "I just felt like the main lesson was that if I wanted to succeed, I had to sell out. I would have bought that too, if it wasn't for your book. It-it really helped me, Luke. It reminded me of who I was and why I was there."

"I meant all of it." He whispered. "I know you said you wished I hadn't written all that because clearly I hadn't meant it, but I did. Every word."

"Sucks that things change, huh?" Peyton chuckled.

"Hey it's that change that let you call Victoria a bitch to her face." Lucas grinned. "You must have wanted to do that for years and years."

"Very true." She laughed. Cocking her head to the side, Peyton said, "So…how long can you hang out?"

"My day's free." He smiled warmly.

"Then so is mine."

Without thinking about it, Luke swung his arm around Peyton's shoulders and she instinctively leaned into him.

After a beat, the significance of the action crashed down on Peyton. "Is this just a fluke? Are we going to go right back to how things have been?"

"I don't want to, Peyt. It's so tiring."

"Lucas, you kissed me back. And it wasn't just some gut-reaction thing either. I pulled away and then you kissed me back; you consciously kissed me back. You can't keep maintaining that you and I are just friends and that you've completely moved on." Her tone wasn't accusatory and she didn't make any move to shift his arm.

"I know." Lucas exhaled. "I'm an ass, remember?"

"You're not. Well, you're being one lately, but you're not one. You're the best person I've ever met."

"I've done some pretty terrible things."

"Yeah, I know. You did a lot of them to me. You're _doing_ a lot of them to me." Peyton said, her voice teasing.

"So why are you here?" He frowned. "You're right. I've hurt you a lot. Why, _how_ can you still say you…" He let the question fade away, not being able to say _love me_.

"I will not validate you." Peyton laughed, bewildered. "I'm not going to sit here and list all the things that I love about you. I'm sorry, Luke but you've been awful lately and I won't make you feel better about that. You already have two women desperately in love with you for the second time in your life."

Surprisingly, this lack of ego-stoking actually pleased Lucas very, very much. He was startled to see how happy he was to hear her bluntness instead of love-filled reassurances. "Mouth once drunkenly snarked that I was the guy all the girls threw themselves at."

"Me, Brooke, Rachel, Anna, Lindsey, half of Tree Hill High…" Peyton rolled her eyes. "I guess you had us all blinded, what with the book reading and loner boy vibe."

"I was being serious before. Why do you still-?"

"Can we not?" Peyton interrupted him. "You came in here begging me for no drama. I'm not going to let you make me cry again." Forcing a laugh, "I mean you don't want me to throw more stuff at you, do you?"

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

"You love her, right?" Peyton shrugged. At his silence, she looked at him. He had his tortured face on. "Luke, tell me you love her."

"I love her." Oh God, their eyes met and emotion filtered through their irises and seized hold of the thick tension that they had managed to kill a few hours ago.

"Okay." She nodded, looking away to break their ridiculous trance before they ended up kissing again. She wasn't going to be the other woman again. Standing up, an easy going smile slid on her face again as she gestured to her music collection. "Come on. Let me show you some of the amazing stuff I've found in L.A."

xXx

After the two spent another few hours talking about nothing and everything, just like in high school, they winded up at a restaurant for dinner. It was truly a testament to just how well honed their skills of denial really were. One could be optimistic and say the two moved on from their angst and settled back into friendship, but darling that would be naïve.

Lucas needed simplicity. He needed Peyton. He needed a release and he needed her presence without guilt, without screams and most definitely without tears.

Peyton needed him right back. She had craved him, ached for him every moment the two were apart. Since coming back to town, even when the two were together there were miles of emptiness between them. This was the first time they could just be.

This freedom from drama wasn't a favour to Lucas from Peyton, it was a mutual granting of a deeply rooted need.

Stuffing a very well buttered piece of dinner bread into his mouth with his eyes wide open, Lucas alternated between staring at his watch and staring at Peyton. Swallowing it with difficulty, he flung his fingers out to snatch another loaf and zealously slathered on more butter. Taking a quick swig from his glass, he crammed the bread into his mouth again and chewed furiously.

"I win!" He exclaimed once he could speak again. "Four slices of dinner bread in thirty four seconds!"

Her own bread was still in the process of being chewed. Her cheeks full and puffed out like a chipmunk's, Peyton muffled out a groan. "Damn you, Lucas Scott."

Lucas chuckled gloatingly and almost choked on the remnants of loaf as the last of it eased down his throat. Pounding his fist lightly over his chest, he coughed. "Ow. That last one did not go down well."

Swallowing her own piece, Peyton looked at her watch. "Four pieces, fifty seconds. That's not bad." Drinking from her glass of wine, she smirked, "Especially considering I didn't almost kill myself doing it."

A passing maitre-de eyed the pair condescendingly, prompting Lucas to lower his eyes like an abashed child; his sides shaking from suppressed laughter. Peyton met the waitress's gaze with a level defiance that Lucas thoroughly enjoyed seeing again. "Are our entrees almost ready yet?"

"They will be soon. Can I bring you anything in the mean time? An appetizer perhaps if you're so hungry."

Smiling, Peyton shook her head. "Oh, couldn't you tell? That wasn't eaten out of hunger, we were racing."

"Very fine quality." Lucas grinned.

"Chewable." Peyton added. The waitress rolled her eyes and kept walking.

"God, I've missed this." He laughed.

"Well if you mean acting like a bunch of six year olds in a fairly nice restaurant, I can tell you that we never did that."

"I meant just hanging out with you not caring what we looked like to any one else."

"I hope you realize I haven't eaten this much in one day in ages." The blonde teased. "Looks like staying in town's going to make me a total fat ass, thanks to you."

"Seriously, Sawyer. Some meat on those chicken legs would do you good." Lucas teased back.

"Says the scrawniest Tree Hill Raven I ever cheered for."

"I'll have you know I've been working out." Luke raised his eye brows proudly and flexed his arm. He did it with such an air of expectancy that Peyton had no choice but to oblige him by feeling it.

"Gosh, that's amazing."

"Is that sarcasm I hear?"

"Three words. Nathan Scott's ex." Peyton shrugged playfully.

"Ouch. Are you saying my brother's more ripped than I am?"

"Pretty much."

"Brooke has nicer legs than you." Luke retorted defensively, drinking from his glass.

"Brooke has nicer everything than you." Peyton easily said back, smirking with self-satisfaction at the way Lucas's eyes widened.

"Saying stuff like that isn't fair," he complained, his mind instantly going to the not unexplored land of Brooke-Peyton-him threesome sex fantasies.

"You know, if everyone was single, we should have totally experimented a little."

"Our group is extraordinarily good-looking." Lucas chuckled.

"Do you think we're a little tipsy?" Peyton asked, dubiously eyeing the almost empty bottle of wine on the table.

"No, I think you're a little tipsy, you chicken-legged light weight."

"As I recall, you're hardly better than I am in terms of threshold."

"I'm hardly better but I'm still better."

Grinning at each other, they dug into their meals that had just been placed in front of them and Lucas smiled sweetly at the waitress who couldn't resist his sincerity and smiled back.

xXx

Somehow, the two ended up at the same go carting enclosure Peyton had once taken Mouth to. They got kicked out after an unappreciated round of using said cars to play bumper cars. Trudging to the roof that had once been Karen's café, they found that the old mini golf set up was still standing and had entirely too much fun whacking balls off the building.

Everything was going wonderfully. After an amazing evening of debating music and telling each other entertaining tidbits of their lives in the last two years, the two had migrated to Tric. It was a special all nighter occasion for the bar, which was a fantastic thing for the blonds but which would make other patrons want to throttle the idiot who thought of the idea.

Throwing bar nuts into each other's mouths and ignoring bar tender Owen's eye rolling, they weren't two people who had been through an intensely painful break-up; they weren't two people who had been involved in a deeply moving love story; they were two people who had a lot in common and whose personalities were ridiculously compatible.

"You know how we used to wonder if music execs really did just have crap music taste or if they were sell-out dicks who genuinely knew the stuff they were pushing was awful? It's the second one." Peyton snorted as she finished telling her friend about the one and only meeting she had been able to land herself in.

"You know how we used to joke that if Whitey was the best coach a team could have, it must suck to be a coach? We weren't wrong. I think a lot of the people I've coached think I'm a total jack ass." Lucas grinned back.

"Three cheers to growing up."

"Oh yeah. Thank you, real world." He chuckled. Gesturing to Owen for drinks, Luke toasted Peyton's glass, "Here's to us." They sipped.

"Here's to realizing adulthood kinda blows and the mystique of not knowing anything was a novelty to be appreciated." They swallowed a bit more.

"Here's to disliking the telling people off side as opposed to the being told off side. Responsibility!"

"Oh please. You were the paradigm of responsibility even in high school."

"Oh, because getting drunkenly tattooed with a girl I barely knew, sleeping with a girl I had just met, cheating on my girlfriend, and refusing to take my heart medicine because keeping up with the team was more important to me than keeping my heart beating are all up-standing acts."

"You spent 95 percent of your time sulking, brooding, worrying, and analyzing. You told your mom almost everything, you helped with the café, you were the good little boy. Until you met Brooke and me, of course." Peyton took another shot. "Wow, I think your bad behaviour was our bad influence."

"And of course you were never in life-threatening situations until you got involved with me."

"Here's to being the best and worst things to happen to each other," Peyton laughed, downing the freshly refilled glass Owen handed her.

"Best?" Lucas smirked.

"Oh, don't you even say that I'm just speaking for myself. You were infatuated with me the moment I almost ran you down."

"I guess I like my women dangerous, Peyton Marie Sawyer."

Peyton elbowed him in the ribs. "Dangerous, huh? What do you call your rich ivy bred fiancée then? Is her saliva poisonous or am I missing something?"

"Foul!" Lucas called, amused.

"No, no I'm in the right here. Seriously, she's the tamest and dare I say it, most boring girl you've ever been with."

"It's drama-free."

"It's passion-free." She teased. "But enough about that. I'm not actually trying to goad you."

Lucas was still nursing the same glass he'd been drinking from since Peyton ran through a good five re-fills. "I know. Just comes easy, doesn't it?"

"Well, I love you but you suck at the whole girl thing." Peyton shrugged, popping a peanut in her mouth and watching Owen's arm muscles flex as he mixed a drink. She could see why Brooke was so focussed on sleeping with him.

"Really now." Lucas smiled slightly, watching a not-so-mildly-tipsy Peyton was very amusing. She did another two shots in quick succession and smiled innocently.

"Yeah." Waving her fingers wildly for another drink, she fiddled with the straw in her empty glass. "Think about it. You told Brooke all these sweet, soulmate-like statements proclaiming how meant for each other and devoted you were. Fast-forward a few months and you're telling me the exact same thing. Fast-forward to now and, blam, I'm guessing Lindsey's hearing it too. So, either you are a bad, bad man who lies or you're a dumb, dumb man who doesn't know what the hell he wants."

"I'm thinking we should cut you off soon," Luke said. She was right though and that unsettled him. "Do you really think that, Peyton? That I'm either a manipulative liar or a confused fool?"

"I'm just looking at the facts here. What do you think about it?" She blinked at him, clasping her hands together.

"I think you're right." He whispered.

Peyton's eyes went wide. "Oh no! No! You're sad!" Wringing her hands, she brushed her forehead against his. "I didn't want to make you sad. Didn't mean to. I went too far. I was just joking, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Honesty is good."

"Yes, yes it is. Even if I get snapped at every time I use it."

"Do you?" Lucas looked surprised. "Damn, I'm sorry for that."

Peyton shrugged carelessly. "You know what a good movie is?"

Luke was confused at the sudden topic change.

"Sweeney Todd. Musicals are usually kitschy and weird but Johnny Depp's pretty hardcore."

Laughing, Lucas shook his head. "You're amazing, you know that?"

"If I'm so amazing, you should do shots with me." Jutting her lips together in an exaggerated pout, Lucas had to relent.

Gripping the new shot glass Owen had reluctantly placed in front of him and watching Peyton do the same, he said, "Here's to spending more time with you and remembering the good."

"Forget remembering. Here's for tonight."

"May it never end." Luke smiled, downing the liquid.

**One hour later…**

Owen sighed in exasperation at the idiots in front of him as he tried to ignore their laughter while serving other people.

"Ow-en," Peyton called out, sing-song and all.

"You're cut off, blonde girl."

"Ow-en," Lucas mimicked in the same bad melodic tone.

"You too, blond boy." He rolled his eyes.

"Bet he wouldn't have cut Brooke off." Peyton crossed her arms.

"I have before but she _can_ hold her liquor better than both of you do," Owen rolled his eyes. "Besides, you two have racked up a fairly large bill and if you can't pay-"

Lucas shook his head and brandished his credit card. "I'll cover for the lady."

"Considering you helped her get like this, that isn't so much noble as necessary." Owen muttered. After Lucas sloppily signed the receipt, the bartender told them to call a cab and call it a night.

Helping Peyton out of the back seat of a cab not long after, Lucas gave the cabbie some cash and slumped down beside Peyton on the front porch swing; leaning his head against hers when she fell snugly into his chest.

"Are you happy, Peyton?" Lucas asked quietly.

"Right now? I'm leaning against a guy who's not hideous looking stuffed full of good food and fine liquor. I'm great." Peyton chuckled.

"With life, you silly lady."

"I don't know. Am now. I love you and Brooke. You're all I really need, you know."

Lucas smiled. "Love you too, baby." Frowning a little, "And your feelings about me and Lindsey…?"

"It's fine." He looked at her. "Really. Okay, so it hurts. But I really do want the best for you. I wasn't lying when I said that."

"So you're okay?"

"I'm happy for you. If you're happy, I'm happy."

"That's the thing. I don't think I'm happy." His voice was hesitant and hopeless, the statement escaping only because the alcohol and nostalgia had obliterated his verbal filtration system and crushed his self deception.

"Sure you are. You're successful and engaged to the woman you love." Peyton waved off his words with the airless mirth her drunkenness bestowed her with.

"I've been happier tonight than I've been in years." Luke whispered, breathing in the light fragrance of her hair. "I've been pretending for so long but I'll always want the true love always part of us to happen. It's an inescapable fact that I'm nothing without you."

The haze of happiness drinking had coated Peyton with momentarily froze. "Lucas."

"I promise this isn't just the high balls talking." Grinning impishly, he rubbed his thumb over her bare shoulder. "I love you."

"And I'm not drunk enough to think you saying these things is acceptable in any way." Peyton pushed him away and crossed her arms, suddenly much more sober than she had seemed since before dinner.

"Peyton-" He leaned in, his lips aiming for a kiss. "You want it just as much as I do."

"I'm not so far gone as to let anything happen with us, even this emotional cheating you're venturing into. I don't like Lindsey. At all. But I will not screw her over. And I won't let you screw her over, either." Standing up too quickly, her legs wobbled underneath her as she cursed the alcohol in her system.

Lucas steadied her. "I'm sorry. You're right. I'll stop."

"I think you should go."

"I'm sorry. Sit down, okay? I'll stop being an idiot."

"And you'll stop being an ass?"

He looked hurt. Her insides twisting at that expression, she reluctantly sat down as he asked. "Don't look at me like that."

"I am way too tired and unsober for any serious fighting right now," Lucas sighed.

"Unsober. Yeah." Peyton laughed.

"Shut up!"

"You are a writer, aren't you? Shouldn't you have a basic grasp of the English language?"

Lucas flicked her nose and leaned back into the swing. "My brain's off and away."

"I think we've already got that." Peyton snickered, leaning back as well.

His eyes shutting and re-opening slowly, Luke yawned. "Glad to see years of being an underling hasn't killed your mouth."

"You know you love that I'm a bitch." Peyton shrugged.

"You're not one." He murmured sleepily.

Glancing at him with a smile on her face, Peyton leaned against his shoulder. "Thanks."

Their bodies weary from running around town all night (and their brains sending signals to make their bodies power down to make them stop swallowing alcohol), it didn't take long for the two to fall asleep on that swing.

Lucas would wake up in hardly more than an hour when the pre-dawn dew chilled him awake. His head was shrieking at him but the memories of the night before caused a smile to spread across his features. Looking at the girl wrapped against his side, Luke rubbed his arms before he carefully picked up said girl and carried her inside. Depositing her on the couch as gingerly as he could manage, he covered her with a blanket before settling himself on the opposite end of the same couch and allowing himself to fall back to sleep.

Neither would open their eyes again for a good twelve hours.

Scrunching his eyes up before opening them blearily, Luke found that Peyton had woken up already and was watching him.

"Good evening." She smiled.

"Don't you mean morning?"

"No, actually. We slept through the morning. And the afternoon." Peyton laughed. "We're regular party animals. How're you feeling?"

"Much worse than I've ever felt after drinking... in my entire life." Lucas chuckled, rubbing his face. "You?"

"Oh I never get hung over." She answered smugly.

"Seriously? How is that fair?" he complained, letting his head fall back onto the cushion.

"Water, coffee, bread, and a pail is all you need." Getting up from the couch, Peyton reached into a nearby cabinet and pulled out a neatly organized box containing those exact items. Grabbing the packet for the coffee after placing the rest of the items in front of him, she padded over to the kitchen to start a brew.

"Do this a lot, do you?" He eyed the box in amusement.

"Not a lot, just enough. I live with Brooke." Peyton grinned.

After the coffee finished, she plopped back onto the couch and grabbed a slice of bread.

"I thought it'd be cruel to say this, but… I hadn't been with Lindsey at the book signing. I didn't go out with her until you didn't show up- which pretty much solidified any hope I had of being with you again." He blurted out after a moment of silent chewing.

"So all of this could have been prevented if not for my stupid misunderstanding." Her laughter was bordering on hysterical. "In case you were wondering, that was cruel to say." Throwing the last quarter of bread in her hands onto the table with a frustrated vengeance, she tried not to be swallowed by anger.

"I-I'm sorry. I just don't want to hide anything from you." He apologized, pained at her pain. "But that's not true. All of this could have been prevented if I had just waited for you, like I promised I would."

"Like you've said so many times lately, I said no, right? It's all my fault. Always is. I drove you to Brooke. I drove you to Lindsey." She stood up and he joined her.

"You shouldn't take all that on yourself. Us not working is just as much my fault as it is yours. I never wait. I get scared, and I get hurt, and I jump into something new that I'm never emotionally ready for and then I lie to myself and everyone else about it. I'm sorry. I should have admitted this sooner. I never should have blamed you for this."

"So is this the prelude to you saying goodbye and leaving?" Peyton's eyes were watering and she hated herself for it. "We had a good fun night, you relieve your guilt by apologizing, and then you leave- officially ending this whole chapter."

"No, this is a prelude to me saying I still have a bottle of sour puss left from last night, a deck of cards, and several more hours before my cleared day with you actually ends." He smiled softly. "And chapter? One whole book didn't even cover the extent of 'us'."

"Your cleared day with me ended like eighteen hours ago."

"So what if I say that a day just isn't enough for me?"

"You're severely hung over and suggesting another round of drinking." She pointed out.

"Well, the best cure to having too many drinks before falling asleep is having too many drinks after waking up." He grinned. "I can sulk in my hung over state tomorrow. Combat the pain now by pushing it off til later."

"When did you become such a drinker?"

"I'm not. I'm just saying, you, me, and a bottle that I don't want to keep around."

Peyton sat on the couch and huffily crossed her arms again.

"You look like a pouting child." He laughed.

"No drama, right?" Peyton sighed, relenting with a laugh as Lucas almost sat on her due to his miscalculation of direction.

"Huzza."

"If I die of alcohol poisoning, it's totally your fault."

"Like I would let you die."

"You're always saving me," Peyton smiled despite herself.

"Always will." Stealing the bottle back from Peyton's grip, he chugged, spilling some as she grabbed it back. Laughingly the two struggled for control of the bottle and started a ridiculous game of I Never.

**45 minutes later.**

_And now we have successfully described the events leading up to Nathan's interruption…_

Nathan snorted out loud after opening the door to Peyton and Brooke's house. Peyton was sitting on Lucas's back, horsy-style; the bottle of sour puss in her hand tipping haphazardly as Lucas attempted to buck her off. Both were in peels of laughter and displayed an effortless ease with each other that hadn't been seen in years. Considering they were exchanging looks of anger and angst less the last time Nathan saw them together, it isn't hard to understand his bemusement.

Nathan cleared his throat loudly to make his presence known, raising his eyebrows as Lucas quickly straightened to his knees and Peyton promptly fell off, hooking her arm around his neck as she went. Lucas fell on top of the girl and they didn't bother to disentangle as they both looked up guiltily at Nathan. The bottle slipped from Peyton's loose hold, prompting Nathan to duck forward to grab it just as a trickle of liquor hit the carpet.

"Hi, Nate." Peyton greeted weakly, smacking Lucas as his shoulders shook with a new explosion of laughter.

Extracting his brother from Peyton with a little more force than was strictly necessary, Nathan yanked Lucas aside. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Don't worry man we only did friend-type stuff." Lucas snorted.

"If you cheated on Lindsey-"

"Friend-type stuff." Lucas repeated, louder this time.

Pushing Lucas onto a chair, Nathan hissed as though he hadn't spoken, "And I told you to stop avoiding Peyton, not to have a huge drunken blow out with her. If you took advantage of Peyton's feelings for you-"

"FRIEND-TYPE STUFF!" Lucas yelled this time. "Am I not allowed to have a little bit of fun once in a while?" He fell off the chair when he tried to stand up.

"You've been MIA for almost two days, not answering your cell, not checking in with anyone-"

"Hello? Full grown adult here. Just 'cause your wife has you on a leash doesn't mean I'm on one too. Ruff, ruff, 'my name's Nathan and I can't even get hammered with friends 'cause my wife would cut my head off and I'm bitteeeeer'."

"Obviously I'm wasting my time talking to you when you're like this." Nathan grimaced, disgusted.

Turning away from him, Nathan walked back to Peyton who had pushed herself into a kneeling position against the wall.

"You okay?"

"You don't have to yell at him. We didn't even make out or anything." She grinned.

Lowering his voice as he crouched next to the girl, Nathan sighed. "Yeah but that doesn't mean he didn't fuck with your emotions again."

"He didn't."

"Good. You guys really mess each other up, you know?"

"Hey, why are you here anyways?"

"Wanted to check up on you."

"Lucas said you were worried," she beamed, falling into him.

"I am." He caught her and helped her to the couch. "Damn, I've never seen you like this."

"Sure you have. End of summer beach bash before junior year."

"Okay, I'm proven wrong." Nathan's lips twitched into a barely suppressed smile.

"Thanks for caring, Nate. But I'm fine. Well, everything's red and blurry and spinny, but I'm still fine."

"You always say you're fine."

"Remember that party? I was sooo wasted and you were sooo wasted and we had really wasted sex and it was really, really good sex- it was fun and long and perfect." She rambled, patting his arm distractedly.

"Yeah, I remember."

"And I was gone for waaaay longer than you were, well you drink lots more than I do, did, no…do, and whoop you were sober and you, you took care of me."

"Mmhmm." Damn, he should have waited another few hours before coming. Or he should have come a few hours earlier.

"And you punched out that guy who tried to hit on me and cleaned the puke from my skirt," she continued. "Thank you."

"You were my girlfriend," he responded absently, glancing at Lucas who was staring out the window.

"All we did was have good sex."

"Nope." Nathan disagreed.

She paused her rambling when he said that. Looking at him hazily for a moment, she shook her head and whispered, "No. You're right."

Locating a blanket to cover her with, Nathan said, "Look, that was a long time ago. But I'm still here for you, okay? Don't let all this Lucas crap hurt you too badly."

"Lucas is awesome."

"And I'm never letting you drink again." He chuckled. "You deserve better, okay?" Taking away the bottle that she had snatched back from him, Nathan tucked her in and focussed back on his brother.

Throwing a shawl over him, Nathan smirked. "If I wasn't such an upstanding brother, I'd videotape you like this. You're gonna feel like such an idiot in the morning."

Lucas laughed loopily. "Nu uh."

Patting his shoulder condescendingly as he walked towards the windows, Nathan said, "Dude, I've been the drunken jack ass. Trust me. Have fun with your crippling head ache tomorrow." Pushing the curtains widely aside and opening the window, his smirk widened wickedly. "All that noise and sunshine in twelve hours will be beautiful."

"Peyton-"

"-Doesn't get hang overs. Have fun." Nathan laughed, leaving the house.

True enough, Lucas was woken the next morning by the sheer pain of birds chirping and sun filtering in, attacking his senses.

Cursing Nathan as he struggled to get up to close the window, he saw Peyton lying in a curled ball on the couch, her blanket half falling off. Shaking his head, Lucas swore he would never drink again- he felt like someone had not only squeezed his head into oblivion, they had then proceeded to take a jackknife and ripped up his intestines.

After Peyton woke up and both had recuperated a bit from the past two nights of amazing insanity, Lucas didn't really want to leave. Fact was, he would have agreed without hesitation if Peyton had asked him to stay for another day.

"This was…crazy." Peyton smiled as she looked around her house. Various items were lying across the floor and counters, and several random cards were sticking to different surfaces and crammed in different orifices. "But a lot of fun." She looked at Lucas, who had settled beside her.

"I'd do it all again in a heartbeat." Luke responded. "…Just, minus the drinking."

"We'll have to do it again sometime." The tone of her voice implied that she thought the idea was ludicrous, which startled and hurt Lucas. Smiling brightly at him, she gave him a brief, friendly hug. "Thanks for this. I missed you and it's nice to remember what happy feels like."

"Same to you."

"You better go. Lindsey's probably going insane…you know, come to think of it, what have Brooke and Lindsey been doing, they live with us after all-"

"Lindsey's out of town until 12."

"…Oh." Peyton looked surprised for a moment before forced neutrality formed on her face. "That explains it then."

"Peyton, come on. You know I didn't come over just because Lindsey was gone."

"I should have realized you never would have come if she wasn't gone, though." Shaking her head, she stood up. "We're not going to be allowed to be friends anymore, are we?"

"Lindsey's not as controlling as that. Of course we're friends. Of course we'll still hang out."

"Not like this though, right? One-on-one, drinking and sleeping over. Lindsey would kill you. I mean, remember Nathan's reaction to all this? It's not right any more."

"We didn't do anything wrong."

"No, we didn't. I'm glad we did it. Even if we can't do it again."

"Tell me to stay. I'll stay." He said almost pleadingly.

"I have. And I can't. It's almost 12, anyways." Walking towards the front door with Lucas unconsciously following, she smiled sincerely. "Bye, Luke." She kissed him on the cheek and opened the door.

"Love you." He didn't know why he said it, it escaped him dead sober.

"Love you too." She answered easily without surprise.

He bent down to hug her again. "I'll be seeing you."

In the light of day when everything was stripped down, they both knew that the drama-free, carefree 34 hours had come to an end. They went to sleep in a world of nothing but enjoyment and simple companionship; they woke up in a world of complications and restrictions.

They had their drama-free lunch. The real world was back.

She watched him walk out the door with the expectation that he would pretend like nothing had happened, like nothing had changed. She was still the woman who said no, he was still the man who couldn't wait. That's all there was to it, she thought. And she would love him for always and know that he felt exactly the same way- but it simply couldn't matter any more. TLA was officially ended and it was a closure Peyton was grateful for.

Brooke sailed home a few hours after Lucas left. "Where were you?" Peyton asked.

"Oh, two days ago I saw you and Lucas on the front porch. Sleeping. Together." Brooke grinned. "I decided to leave you guys alone. And then Nathan calls me last night, tells me he came here and saw you two _riding _each other. So I gave you another day."

"Only you could make what we did sound so incredibly sexual," Peyton laughed. "We were just hanging out, as friends."

Putting her arm around her friend's shoulders, Brooke nodded. "Sure. You and Lucas, just friends. There's a first time for everything."

"Brooke, seriously. He's just going to go back to Lindsey and get married and spit out their 2.5 kids. This was just a way to close us up." Looking away lest her expression give her away, Peyton tried not to choke on her words. "For good."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you." Brooke was still beaming ecstatically and it was confusing Peyton profusely.

"I'm telling you, I know Lucas. I know what he does."

"Sorry to prove you wrong P. Sawyer but Lucas ended things with Lindsey a half an hour ago." She had been bursting to tell this news and the excitement on her face made her whole face light up.

"What?"

Squealing, Brooke attacked her friend with a hug.

The doorbell rang. Both swung around as the door opened.

Lucas Scott stood in the middle of the entry way, his eyes trained solely on the blonde, his lips curving up in a nervous, wry smile.

_"I told you I'd be seeing you."_

xXx

* * *

**AN:** this was actually started right after In Da Club, I'm sorry it's taken over 2 weeks to get it up. As for the show, I am now not only mad at Lucas, I'm also mad at Haley and think Naley's getting ridiculous. If they end Naley on such a dumb ass note, my eyes might just fall out from excessive eye rolling. Anyways:P. Thank you guys so much for the input. The angst does fuel me, but the woe of it all spurred a happy Leyton. God knows the need it. Extra long just for you guys. 


	21. A Moment of Clarity

_"When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions."_

Such a beautiful bride; covered in white.

Such a handsome groom; coated in elegance.

The church was waiting. His best friend was her maid of honour; a testament to how interconnected the two really were, she thought.

She had never looked so pristine. He would smile at her and say the words she had come to expect. He had such linguistic skill, promises and compliments would flow from his lips- seducing her, lulling her to security. I love you so much, he would say. I'll never need any one else, he would say. You're an angel sent to save my life, he would say.

You're so lovely, he would say.

I can't stop staring at how amazing you look, he would say.

I'm the luckiest man in this whole town, he would say.

_I love you so much, he would say._

She would smile at him, glowing from his words.

It would take time for the glow to wear off- this was no fault of hers, his gift of manipulation rang strong. She was not the first to succumb to his fairy tale whispers.

Eventually, she would look at him and realize despite his words, his eyes were not on her.

He did not look happy.

She would follow his gaze and see her husband to be watching wistfully a girl who was not her. His eyes would hold an intensity that she never did witness when he looked into her own eyes.

Peyton Sawyer sat ramrod straight in a pew near the back of the building and she was determinedly looking at no one. His eyes bore into her face, silently communicating an anguish that bubbled just beneath the surface of his firmly poised composure. Unable to fight the compulsion any longer, her eyes would shift just slightly and in a moment of clarity both their masks of forced happiness would fall apart, for just one moment. It was as though an electrical shock jolted into their systems when their eyes met, ripping them from the layers of pretend they hid behind. An almost audible gasp would choke out of her lips, an almost silent sigh escaping from his. It was just one moment; hardly longer than a second.

The girl in the pew would abruptly turn her gaze back to the nothingness of the wall.

The boy who was supposed to be a man would shut his eyes with a sudden firmness.

They would try to tell themselves it was a figment of their imagination, they would try to tell themselves that they had not felt that physical spasm of pain and longing ignited with just one foolish look.

The beautiful bride caught the act and her heart broke just a little. It was a moment of clarity. The groom and the girl in the pew would bury it but the bride could not.

Her eyes would water without her able to suppress it; her lip would shake just minutely.

She tried to breathe, tried not to break down.

Her fiancée would take much too long to look back at her and notice. Are you okay, gorgeous? He would ask, his voice lilting with concern. She would peek at him out of the corners of her eyes and know, just know, that out of the corners of his he was peeking back at the girl in the pew even now.

She couldn't breathe. The priest was starting. The crowd was hushed. His smile was on, placating and calm. It was fake, it was fake, it was fake.

Her mind melted away from the words of the priest, she felt bodily removed from the proceedings. You don't want to do this, she would say with an almost amused air. His eyebrows furrowed uncomprehendingly. Did you ever really love me? She would ask, interrupting her own ceremony. He would look confused, so confused. Did you ever really love me more than you loved her? He turned fully to glance at the girl in the pew this time, his face falling into palpable pain. Of course I love you, he would say. We're getting married, he would say.

No we're not, she would whisper. No, you don't. No you didn't. Tears escaped the corners of her eyes and her chest heaved with hurt.

He's all yours. He's always been all yours. She would smile waveringly at the girl in the pew.

Turning back to her groom, she would tell him goodbye.

Why? He would ask, his hand outreached to take hers.

She would shift just slightly and his grip was loose enough to fall away from just that tiny movement.

"A moment of clarity." She would smile. Ignoring her maid of honour, ignoring her ex-fiancee, ignoring the voices all around her, the beautiful bride would pick up the folds of her dress and walk right back down the aisle and out the door with her head held high.

The beautiful bride was not Peyton Sawyer.

The beautiful bride could never be Peyton Sawyer.

The beautiful bride was never really a bride at all because she could never replace Peyton Sawyer.

True love always did exist. It existed in the locked eyes and hidden anguish of two people who tried to move on but couldn't. It existed in the man who wanted to marry another woman and in the girl who loved him so very much that she would let him.

Luckily for them, the other woman knew better.

As the church doors clanged shut behind the flowing white dress, everywhere everyone would be talking, moving. Everyone but the man at the altar and the girl in the pew, who had managed to lock eyes once more with expressions united in a mingled sense of relief and hope and possibility.

Their eyes conveyed so much more than his flowery words of promise ever could.

In that gaze, he didn't have to say I love you. It was written all across his face and in every movement, every inch of his body and his being.

This was forever. Not some marriage vow of lies. This, in her eyes, was forever.

* * *

**AN: **Wow, I'm honestly surprised by how much you guys liked the last one :) It was a lot of fun to write so I'm very glad it was enjoyable to read. The wedding of L/L is in 2 days, and without thinking about it this came out of me haha. As much as I dislike Lindsey, I was getting tired of scenerios where Lucas is the jack ass cheater or Peyton is the homewrecker. This for once paints Lindsey in a good light, so here's to hoping she lives up to this in the next ep. Hope you liked it. 


End file.
